Updating Conan error

I preordered AoC (Age of Conan) and promptly installed the discs.

I meet the minimum requirements for AoC, and even forwarded the ports on my router but the updater still won't load.

It starts to boot up, then it shows it on the taskbar but nothing is running and I can't click the button on the taskbar.

It is also not running in the processes list.

So the logical thing would be to call the developer, right?
Funcom has no phone number.
So then email?
They aren't anwsering any of their emails.
Fourms?
No, for some reason a ton of people got randomly banned for no reason, and they can't figure out why.
You can't view the forums without being able to log in.

Someone else on another forum said it had to do with his router, but the jerk didn't elaborate on how he fixed it, or what router he had.

Anyone else having this problem or know how to fix it?

I'm half tempted to return the damn game, I spent almost $700 upgrading my computer to run the game, and it won't.