Michigan Jokes

Comtrad · 11-02-2006, 02:05 PM

A guy in a Ohio bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Michigan joke?" The guy replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I am 6' tall, 200 lbs. and I am a Michigan Graduate. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and he is a Michigan Graduate. The guy right next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and he is also a Michigan Graduate. Now, you still wanna tell me that joke?" The first guy says, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times"

It was reported that the Michigan Football Coach Lloyd Carr will only be dressing 20 players for the Ohio State game ...the rest of the players will have to dress themselves!

Did you hear that the University of Michigan library burned to the ground? All five books in the library were completely destroyed... the football team is really upset by the fire; they hadn't colored in two of the books yet!

What's the only sign of intelligent life in Ann Arbor? Columbus: 187 Miles

What does the average University of Michigan student get on his SAT? Drool

How do you get a Michigan Graduate off your front porch? Pay him for the pizza

Four college Alumni were climbing a mountain one day: A OSU grad, a Michigan grad, a Penn State grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal fan of their alma mater. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way to the top when the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountainside shouting, "This is for the fighting Irish!" Not wanting to be out done, the Penn State grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Nittany Lions!" Seeing this, the OSU grad walked over and shouted, "This is for the Buckeyes!" and pushed the Michigan grad off the mountain.

What did the Michigan grad say to the OSU grad? "Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order please?"

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep the store." "But, I'm a Michigan graduate," the young man replied indignantly, "I even played football there!" "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I better show you how."

Two Michigan football players were hootin' and hollerin' while partying on campus when a bartender asked them why they were celebrating. The smart one said proudly that they had just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took them two months. "Two months?!" exclaimed the bartender. The Wolverine proudly replied, "Yeah, the box said 4 - 6 years!"

A Wolverine football player was almost killed today in a tragic horseback riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death.Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out an unplugged the horse just in time.

A little boy and his mother were walking through a Michigan cemetery, when they came upon a headstone that read: "Here lies a Michigan graduate and a good man." The little boy asked his mother, "Mommy, why did they bury two people in there?"

Coaches Jim Tressel and Lloyd Carr are walking down the beach talking about the rivalry between Ohio State and Michigan. As they are walking, Lloyd trips over something in the sand. Upon closer inspection it turns out to be a genie's lamp. "Who disturbs me?" asked the genie. Jim and Lloyd both say they did. "You will each get one wish," said the genie. Lloyd offers to go first. "I want an impenetrable wall built around the entire state of Michigan so that none of those stupid Ohioans can ever get in. I want it as far down into the ground as it is high,and I want it to be completely sealed in so that we can finally have our peace!" The genie grants the wish to Lloyd and his is instantly whisked away to his new paradise.The genie now tells Jim he'll grant him one wish. Jim says, "Fill it up with water."

Why is ice no longer available at Michigan football games? Because the senior who knew the recipe finally graduated.

What are the three longest years of a Michigan football player's life? His freshman year.

bry623 · 11-03-2006, 07:14 AM

Woody Hayes

* "You can never really pay back. You can only pay forward."
* "A guy from Ohio can make it in life if he works hard enough."
* "You win with people."
* "Paralyze resistance with persistence."
* "There are three things that can happen when you throw a pass, and two of them are bad." This quote is often attributed to Hayes, but some contend General Robert Neyland of the University of Tennessee or Darrell Royal of the University of Texas was the source. Darrell Royal gives the credit to Woody Hayes as being the source of the quote.
* "I never saw a football player make a tackle with a smile on his face."
* "Discipline is 95 percent anticipation."
* "Without winners, there wouldn't even be any god damned civilization."
* "Football represents and embodies everything that's great about this country, because the United States of America is built on winners, not losers or people who didn't bother to play."
* "One thing you cannot afford ever to do is to feel sorry for yourself."
* "There was no one who had better people than I did, or better football players. And, we outworked the other teams."
* "The only way we'd get beaten was if we got a little fatheaded, if we didn't train right, if we had dissension on the squad."
* "So many times I've found people smarter than I was.... But you know what they couldn't do? They couldn't outwork me. They couldn't outwork me!"
* "You can outwork anybody. Try it, you will find out that you can do it."
* "Anything easy ain't worth a damn!"
* When asked why he went for two despite a 34 point lead against Michigan, Hayes replied, "Because I couldn't go for three."
* "If you can't beat'em on the field, then beat'em on the sidelines. If you can't beat'em on the sidelines then beat the first person you see on the sidelines."

The Dead Schembechlers

Comtrad · 11-13-2006, 02:25 PM

Great quotes

yustr · 11-13-2006, 08:30 PM

Quote:

Football is not a contact sport. Ballroom dancing is a contact sport. Football is a collision sport.

Woody Hayes

bry623 · 11-14-2006, 06:13 AM

Columbus' favorite November Band

Comtrad · 11-16-2006, 01:55 PM

Wow, I was wondering how this thread had so many views already, so I did a search on google for Michigan Jokes and this thread came up on the first page of 1.4million results. Goes to show that TSF has some good pull in the SE's.

bry623 · 11-16-2006, 02:03 PM

Twas the night before game time,
And all round the shoe,
Not a creature was sleeping,
They were screaming Beat Blue.
The banners were hung by the lamp posts with care
In hopes that St. Troy would find Ginn through the air.
Drunken and crazy and burning their beds,
While visions of kick off danced through their heads.
When all of the sudden there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the keg to see what was the matter.
When there in the sky, in a Coupe Deville sleigh,
Was Woody Hayes decked out in scarlet and gray.
He looked on the crowd that was gathered around,
And said that he heard that a game was in town.
I came here to watch it, and wish you good luck.
Though it's not like you need it, cause Michigan Sucks!

Comtrad · 11-17-2006, 06:04 AM

Chad Henne is a joke

bry623 · 11-21-2006, 01:22 PM

How does the Michigan coach spell his name??

LLLLLoyd Carr

Comtrad · 11-22-2006, 09:47 AM

What kind of car does Jim Tressel drive?

A Lloyd Carr!

11-02-2006, 02:05 PM	#1 (permalink)
Comtrad Registered User Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Somewhere in Illinois Posts: 279 OS: Windows XP	Michigan Jokes A guy in a Ohio bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Michigan joke?" The guy replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I am 6' tall, 200 lbs. and I am a Michigan Graduate. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and he is a Michigan Graduate. The guy right next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and he is also a Michigan Graduate. Now, you still wanna tell me that joke?" The first guy says, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times" It was reported that the Michigan Football Coach Lloyd Carr will only be dressing 20 players for the Ohio State game ...the rest of the players will have to dress themselves! Did you hear that the University of Michigan library burned to the ground? All five books in the library were completely destroyed... the football team is really upset by the fire; they hadn't colored in two of the books yet! What's the only sign of intelligent life in Ann Arbor? Columbus: 187 Miles What does the average University of Michigan student get on his SAT? Drool How do you get a Michigan Graduate off your front porch? Pay him for the pizza Four college Alumni were climbing a mountain one day: A OSU grad, a Michigan grad, a Penn State grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal fan of their alma mater. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way to the top when the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountainside shouting, "This is for the fighting Irish!" Not wanting to be out done, the Penn State grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Nittany Lions!" Seeing this, the OSU grad walked over and shouted, "This is for the Buckeyes!" and pushed the Michigan grad off the mountain. What did the Michigan grad say to the OSU grad? "Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order please?" A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep the store." "But, I'm a Michigan graduate," the young man replied indignantly, "I even played football there!" "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I better show you how." Two Michigan football players were hootin' and hollerin' while partying on campus when a bartender asked them why they were celebrating. The smart one said proudly that they had just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took them two months. "Two months?!" exclaimed the bartender. The Wolverine proudly replied, "Yeah, the box said 4 - 6 years!" A Wolverine football player was almost killed today in a tragic horseback riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death.Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out an unplugged the horse just in time. A little boy and his mother were walking through a Michigan cemetery, when they came upon a headstone that read: "Here lies a Michigan graduate and a good man." The little boy asked his mother, "Mommy, why did they bury two people in there?" Coaches Jim Tressel and Lloyd Carr are walking down the beach talking about the rivalry between Ohio State and Michigan. As they are walking, Lloyd trips over something in the sand. Upon closer inspection it turns out to be a genie's lamp. "Who disturbs me?" asked the genie. Jim and Lloyd both say they did. "You will each get one wish," said the genie. Lloyd offers to go first. "I want an impenetrable wall built around the entire state of Michigan so that none of those stupid Ohioans can ever get in. I want it as far down into the ground as it is high,and I want it to be completely sealed in so that we can finally have our peace!" The genie grants the wish to Lloyd and his is instantly whisked away to his new paradise.The genie now tells Jim he'll grant him one wish. Jim says, "Fill it up with water." Why is ice no longer available at Michigan football games? Because the senior who knew the recipe finally graduated. What are the three longest years of a Michigan football player's life? His freshman year.

11-03-2006, 07:14 AM	#2 (permalink)
bry623 Manager, The Conversation Pit/Analyst, Security Team Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: NW Territory circa 1787 Posts: 11,692 OS: winxp pro sp2	Woody Hayes * "You can never really pay back. You can only pay forward." * "A guy from Ohio can make it in life if he works hard enough." * "You win with people." * "Paralyze resistance with persistence." * "There are three things that can happen when you throw a pass, and two of them are bad." This quote is often attributed to Hayes, but some contend General Robert Neyland of the University of Tennessee or Darrell Royal of the University of Texas was the source. Darrell Royal gives the credit to Woody Hayes as being the source of the quote. * "I never saw a football player make a tackle with a smile on his face." * "Discipline is 95 percent anticipation." * "Without winners, there wouldn't even be any god damned civilization." * "Football represents and embodies everything that's great about this country, because the United States of America is built on winners, not losers or people who didn't bother to play." * "One thing you cannot afford ever to do is to feel sorry for yourself." * "There was no one who had better people than I did, or better football players. And, we outworked the other teams." * "The only way we'd get beaten was if we got a little fatheaded, if we didn't train right, if we had dissension on the squad." * "So many times I've found people smarter than I was.... But you know what they couldn't do? They couldn't outwork me. They couldn't outwork me!" * "You can outwork anybody. Try it, you will find out that you can do it." * "Anything easy ain't worth a damn!" * When asked why he went for two despite a 34 point lead against Michigan, Hayes replied, "Because I couldn't go for three." * "If you can't beat'em on the field, then beat'em on the sidelines. If you can't beat'em on the sidelines then beat the first person you see on the sidelines." The Dead Schembechlers __________________ "If you aren't a liberal when you're 20, you have no heart. If you aren't a conservative when you are 50, you have no brain" Last edited by bry623; 11-03-2006 at 07:16 AM.

11-14-2006, 06:13 AM	#5 (permalink)
bry623 Manager, The Conversation Pit/Analyst, Security Team Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: NW Territory circa 1787 Posts: 11,692 OS: winxp pro sp2	Columbus' favorite November Band __________________ "If you aren't a liberal when you're 20, you have no heart. If you aren't a conservative when you are 50, you have no brain"

11-16-2006, 01:55 PM	#6 (permalink)
Comtrad Registered User Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Somewhere in Illinois Posts: 279 OS: Windows XP	Wow, I was wondering how this thread had so many views already, so I did a search on google for Michigan Jokes and this thread came up on the first page of 1.4million results. Goes to show that TSF has some good pull in the SE's. Last edited by Comtrad; 11-16-2006 at 01:56 PM.

11-16-2006, 02:03 PM	#7 (permalink)
bry623 Manager, The Conversation Pit/Analyst, Security Team Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: NW Territory circa 1787 Posts: 11,692 OS: winxp pro sp2	Twas the night before game time, And all round the shoe, Not a creature was sleeping, They were screaming Beat Blue. The banners were hung by the lamp posts with care In hopes that St. Troy would find Ginn through the air. Drunken and crazy and burning their beds, While visions of kick off danced through their heads. When all of the sudden there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the keg to see what was the matter. When there in the sky, in a Coupe Deville sleigh, Was Woody Hayes decked out in scarlet and gray. He looked on the crowd that was gathered around, And said that he heard that a game was in town. I came here to watch it, and wish you good luck. Though it's not like you need it, cause Michigan Sucks! __________________ "If you aren't a liberal when you're 20, you have no heart. If you aren't a conservative when you are 50, you have no brain"

11-13-2006, 02:25 PM	#3 (permalink)
Comtrad Registered User Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Somewhere in Illinois Posts: 279 OS: Windows XP	Great quotes

11-17-2006, 06:04 AM	#8 (permalink)
Comtrad Registered User Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Somewhere in Illinois Posts: 279 OS: Windows XP	Chad Henne is a joke

11-21-2006, 01:22 PM	#9 (permalink)
bry623 Manager, The Conversation Pit/Analyst, Security Team Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: NW Territory circa 1787 Posts: 11,692 OS: winxp pro sp2	How does the Michigan coach spell his name?? LLLLLoyd Carr __________________ "If you aren't a liberal when you're 20, you have no heart. If you aren't a conservative when you are 50, you have no brain"

11-22-2006, 09:47 AM	#10 (permalink)
Comtrad Registered User Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Somewhere in Illinois Posts: 279 OS: Windows XP	What kind of car does Jim Tressel drive? A Lloyd Carr!