Political Jokes

yustr · 10-12-2005, 07:44 AM

"The problem with political jokes is they get elected."

-- Henry Cate, VII

bry623 · 10-12-2005, 08:49 AM

What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex?

When Hilary is out of town.

**ReeKorl** · 10-12-2005, 09:14 AM

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?"

He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If elected I promise'."

-----------------------------------------------------

Tired of his low approval ratings, President Bush called up the head of the CIA and said, "I want your very best agent over here first thing in the morning."

Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most gifted American agent was headed back to Washington.

The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The President said, "I hear you're the best in the business. I can't trust what my staff tells me.

So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Understand?"

The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn't heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday morning, and the President saw him immediately.

The President said, "Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this office?"

"Yes, sir."

"Well, then, express the will of the people," Bush ordered.

So the agent stood up, pulled out a gun, and shot him.

11-01-2005, 08:23 PM

G. W. Bush.

end of the joke.

newhouse1390 · 11-04-2005, 05:26 PM

Is there a God?

This is a good one!

Two things Navy SEALS are always taught:

1. Keep your priorities in order
2. Know when to act without hesitation

A college professor, an avowed atheist and active in the ACLU, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that for once and for all he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!!!!!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by.

"I'm waiting God, if you're real, knock me off this platform!!!!"

Again after 5 minutes, the professor taunted God saying, "Here I am, God!!! I'm still waiting!!!"

His count down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Navy SEAL, just released from the Navy after serving in Afghanistan and Iraq and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor. The SEAL hit him full force in the face, and sent the Professor tumbling from his lofty platform.

The Professor was out cold!! The students were stunned and shocked. They began to babble in confusion. The SEAL nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat silent. The class looked at him and fell silent...waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the SEAL in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that!?"

"God was really busy protecting America's soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid **** and act like an *******!! So he sent me!!"

newhouse1390 · 11-04-2005, 05:28 PM

Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans And Southern Republicans?

Consider the following scenario:

You are walking down a deserted street with your wife and daughter. Suddenly, an Islamic
Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities,
praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock .40 caliber and you have
mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What do my wife and daughter think?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have the appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my family?

Is it possible he'd be content with killing just me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be satisfied just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Reload
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice tight grouping Daddy!"

**40sondacurb** · 11-04-2005, 06:51 PM

**DumberDrummer** · 11-04-2005, 11:12 PM

Q. What's the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War?

A. George W. Bush had a plan to get out of the Vietnam War.

**Grove** · 11-13-2005, 12:10 AM

Well I thought I'd visit you guys all the way down here and here's my joke ......

This is one of the many ways George W. Bush likes to relax .....

Fishing in New Orleans

newhouse1390 · 11-17-2005, 05:05 PM

President Bush has authorized the Joint Chiefs to
begin drawing up a battle plan to pull France's a##
out of the fire again. Facing an apparent overwhelming
force of up to 400 pissed off teenagers Mr. Bush
doubts France's ability to hold off the little piss
ants. "Hell, if the last two world wars are any
indication, I would expect France to surrender any day
now", said Bush.

Joint Chiefs head, Gen. Peter Pace, warned the
President that it might be necessary to send up to 5
marines to get things under control. The general
admitted that 5 Marines may be overkill but he wanted
to get this thing under control within 24 hours of
arriving on scene.

He stated he was having a hard time finding even one
Marine to help those ungrateful bastards out for a
third time but thought that he could persuade a few
women Marines to do the job before they went on
pregnancy leave.

President Bush asked Gen. Pace to get our Marines out
of there as soon as possible after order was restored.
He also reminded Gen. Pace to make sure the marines
did not take soap, razors, or deodorant with them.

The least they stand out the better...

~~DeFcOn~~ · 11-18-2005, 01:08 PM

Taliban TV Guide

MONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"

WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "Bowling For Food"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"

THURSDAYS:
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"

FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
9:00 - "Who Wants To Execute A Multimillionaire"
9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"

yustr · 12-12-2005, 12:49 PM

"One great thing about all the executions in Texas: Less Texans." G. Carlin

OK let me have it.

ebackhus · 12-23-2005, 12:59 PM

Ha ha! I live in Texas but hardly consider myself a Texan. Even my friend who've always lived here don't like the title.

Sorry this wasn't a joke.

kycoo_ghost · 01-02-2006, 11:34 AM

HU'S ON FIRST
By James Sherman
George is George Bush
Condi is Condolezza Rice
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: T hat's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the
Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

bry623 · 01-02-2006, 11:42 AM

How can you tell when a politician is lying?

His lips are moving.

bry623 · 01-02-2006, 11:46 AM

A man dies and goes to heaven. Whilst in heaven he is shown around. They show him the democrat section, the communist section, the socialist section, and the libertarian section. They come to a big brick wall and he asks "What's with the wall?" The reply was "Shhhhh, it's the republicans, they think their the only ones in here."

yustr · 01-02-2006, 12:44 PM

bry623 · 01-31-2006, 01:02 PM

The newest naval vessel will be a diplomatic ship. It will be called the U.S.S. Bill Clinton and it will dock in any available port, regardless of its size.

cdfreelancer · 02-05-2006, 08:06 AM

**DumberDrummer** · 02-05-2006, 11:43 AM

who's the poodle supposed to be?

10-12-2005, 07:44 AM	#1 (permalink)
yustr Asst. Manager, The Conversation Pit Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Connecticut shore Posts: 5,964 OS: XP Pro My System	Political Jokes "The problem with political jokes is they get elected." -- Henry Cate, VII __________________ If there are lawyers or politicians involved, logic may be a very poor tool for reaching a conclusion.

10-12-2005, 08:49 AM	#2 (permalink)
bry623 Manager, The Conversation Pit/Analyst, Security Team Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: NW Territory circa 1787 Posts: 11,547 OS: winxp pro sp2	What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex? When Hilary is out of town. __________________ I won a nobel prize too!!

10-12-2005, 09:14 AM	#3 (permalink)
ReeKorl Superhuman Computer Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: 6th Circle, The City of Dis, Hell Posts: 1,610 OS: WinXP Pro SP2 My System	A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?" He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If elected I promise'." ----------------------------------------------------- Tired of his low approval ratings, President Bush called up the head of the CIA and said, "I want your very best agent over here first thing in the morning." Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most gifted American agent was headed back to Washington. The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The President said, "I hear you're the best in the business. I can't trust what my staff tells me. So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Understand?" The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn't heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday morning, and the President saw him immediately. The President said, "Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this office?" "Yes, sir." "Well, then, express the will of the people," Bush ordered. So the agent stood up, pulled out a gun, and shot him. __________________ "Sorry, the number you have dialled is imaginary. Please rotate dial by 90 degrees and try again."

11-04-2005, 05:26 PM	#5 (permalink)
newhouse1390 Member, Networking Team Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ohio Posts: 1,040 OS: Windows Server 2003	Is there a God? Is there a God? This is a good one! Two things Navy SEALS are always taught: 1. Keep your priorities in order 2. Know when to act without hesitation A college professor, an avowed atheist and active in the ACLU, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that for once and for all he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!!!!!" The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by. "I'm waiting God, if you're real, knock me off this platform!!!!" Again after 5 minutes, the professor taunted God saying, "Here I am, God!!! I'm still waiting!!!" His count down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Navy SEAL, just released from the Navy after serving in Afghanistan and Iraq and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor. The SEAL hit him full force in the face, and sent the Professor tumbling from his lofty platform. The Professor was out cold!! The students were stunned and shocked. They began to babble in confusion. The SEAL nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat silent. The class looked at him and fell silent...waiting. Eventually, the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the SEAL in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that!?" "God was really busy protecting America's soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid ** and act like an *****!! So he sent me!!"

11-04-2005, 06:51 PM	#7 (permalink)
40sondacurb Don't be a menace Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 6,285 OS: Vista sp2	__________________ Donate to keep the forum running

11-01-2005, 08:23 PM	#4 (permalink)
PurpleSky Guest Posts: n/a OS:	G. W. Bush. end of the joke.

11-04-2005, 05:28 PM	#6 (permalink)
newhouse1390 Member, Networking Team Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ohio Posts: 1,040 OS: Windows Server 2003	Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans And Southern Republicans? Consider the following scenario: You are walking down a deserted street with your wife and daughter. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock .40 caliber and you have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What do my wife and daughter think? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have the appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my family? Is it possible he'd be content with killing just me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be satisfied just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. Republican's Answer: BANG! Southern Republican's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Reload BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click Daughter: "Nice tight grouping Daddy!"

11-04-2005, 11:12 PM	#8 (permalink)
DumberDrummer Cymru am byth Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Oregon Posts: 5,385 OS: Windows XP Pro SP2 My System	Q. What's the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War? A. George W. Bush had a plan to get out of the Vietnam War. __________________ Living with Louie dog's the only way to stay sane _____________________________________________ ... and with those words so begins my lifetime of longing for the devil's warm embrace

11-17-2005, 05:05 PM	#10 (permalink)
newhouse1390 Member, Networking Team Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ohio Posts: 1,040 OS: Windows Server 2003	France to surrender any day President Bush has authorized the Joint Chiefs to begin drawing up a battle plan to pull France's a## out of the fire again. Facing an apparent overwhelming force of up to 400 pissed off teenagers Mr. Bush doubts France's ability to hold off the little piss ants. "Hell, if the last two world wars are any indication, I would expect France to surrender any day now", said Bush. Joint Chiefs head, Gen. Peter Pace, warned the President that it might be necessary to send up to 5 marines to get things under control. The general admitted that 5 Marines may be overkill but he wanted to get this thing under control within 24 hours of arriving on scene. He stated he was having a hard time finding even one Marine to help those ungrateful bastards out for a third time but thought that he could persuade a few women Marines to do the job before they went on pregnancy leave. President Bush asked Gen. Pace to get our Marines out of there as soon as possible after order was restored. He also reminded Gen. Pace to make sure the marines did not take soap, razors, or deodorant with them. The least they stand out the better...

11-18-2005, 01:08 PM	#11 (permalink)
~~DeFcOn~~ Register user Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Ewa Beach,Oahu Posts: 240 OS: gentoo linux, sunwah linux, win xp pro, and SUSE 9.3	Taliban Taliban TV Guide MONDAYS: 8:00 - "Husseinfeld" 8:30 - "Mad About Everything" 9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions" 9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show" 10:00 - "Allah McBeal" TUESDAYS: 8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune" 8:30 - "The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right" 9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things" 9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers" 10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer" WEDNESDAYS: 8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed" 8:30 - "Bowling For Food" 9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread" 9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone" 10:00 - "Veilwatch" THURSDAYS: 8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi" 8:30 - "MUSTASH" 9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils" 9:30 - "My Two Baghdads" 10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy" FRIDAYS: 8:00 - "Judge Laden" 8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies" 9:00 - "Who Wants To Execute A Multimillionaire" 9:30 - "Achmeds Creek" 10:00 - "No-witness News"

12-12-2005, 12:49 PM	#12 (permalink)
yustr Asst. Manager, The Conversation Pit Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Connecticut shore Posts: 5,964 OS: XP Pro My System	"One great thing about all the executions in Texas: Less Texans." G. Carlin OK let me have it. __________________ If there are lawyers or politicians involved, logic may be a very poor tool for reaching a conclusion. Last edited by yustr; 12-12-2005 at 12:50 PM.

12-23-2005, 12:59 PM	#13 (permalink)
ebackhus Manager, Design Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: SATX Posts: 14,124 OS: WinXP Pro SP3/Windows 7 RTM My System Blog Entries: 28	Ha ha! I live in Texas but hardly consider myself a Texan. Even my friend who've always lived here don't like the title. Sorry this wasn't a joke. __________________ ----------------------------- There are no dumb questions, unless a customer is asking them. Help in the fight against cancer and other serious illnesses.

01-02-2006, 11:34 AM	#14 (permalink)
kycoo_ghost Registered User Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 64 OS: Win98	Got this a long time ago HU'S ON FIRST By James Sherman George is George Bush Condi is Condolezza Rice (We take you now to the Oval Office.) George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That's what I want to know. Condi: That's what I'm telling you. George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The Chinaman! Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now whaddya' asking me for? Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China. George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: T hat's the man's name. George: That's who's name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East. Condi: That's correct. George: Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir. George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No, sir. George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No. Condi: You don't want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George: Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George: Who is the guy at the U.N? Condi: Hu is the guy in China. George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi. George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

01-02-2006, 11:42 AM	#15 (permalink)
bry623 Manager, The Conversation Pit/Analyst, Security Team Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: NW Territory circa 1787 Posts: 11,547 OS: winxp pro sp2	How can you tell when a politician is lying? His lips are moving. __________________ I won a nobel prize too!!

01-02-2006, 11:46 AM	#16 (permalink)
bry623 Manager, The Conversation Pit/Analyst, Security Team Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: NW Territory circa 1787 Posts: 11,547 OS: winxp pro sp2	A man dies and goes to heaven. Whilst in heaven he is shown around. They show him the democrat section, the communist section, the socialist section, and the libertarian section. They come to a big brick wall and he asks "What's with the wall?" The reply was "Shhhhh, it's the republicans, they think their the only ones in here." __________________ I won a nobel prize too!!

02-05-2006, 08:06 AM	#19 (permalink)
cdfreelancer Registered User Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Southwest UK Posts: 332 OS: XP pro 32bit	__________________ AMD Athlon 2400+ Radeon 9600 (256MB DDR) DDR-SDRAM PC3200 1024MB 10MB cable broadband

01-02-2006, 12:44 PM	#17 (permalink)
yustr Asst. Manager, The Conversation Pit Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Connecticut shore Posts: 5,964 OS: XP Pro My System	__________________ If there are lawyers or politicians involved, logic may be a very poor tool for reaching a conclusion.

01-31-2006, 01:02 PM	#18 (permalink)
bry623 Manager, The Conversation Pit/Analyst, Security Team Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: NW Territory circa 1787 Posts: 11,547 OS: winxp pro sp2	The newest naval vessel will be a diplomatic ship. It will be called the U.S.S. Bill Clinton and it will dock in any available port, regardless of its size. __________________ I won a nobel prize too!!

02-05-2006, 11:43 AM	#20 (permalink)
DumberDrummer Cymru am byth Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Oregon Posts: 5,385 OS: Windows XP Pro SP2 My System	who's the poodle supposed to be? __________________ Living with Louie dog's the only way to stay sane _____________________________________________ ... and with those words so begins my lifetime of longing for the devil's warm embrace