yustr

Drew1369

401-keg

thats classic

Drew1369

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.

Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.' The leader nodded to an underling who left & returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all & said, 'Now I can die content.'

Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in 'New York , so I'd like to hear the song 'The Moon and Me one last time.' The terrorist's leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians & played the song. Gibson was satisfied.

Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder & describe the scene here & what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it & know that I was on the job till the end.' The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder & Williams dictated his comments. He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'

The leader turned & said, 'And now, Mr. US Marine, what is your final wish?' 'Kick me in the butt,' said the Marine. 'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?' 'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the abutt,' insisted the Marine. the leader complied and The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies & shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on 6 terrorists, with his knife he slashed the throat of one with an AK-47, which he took & sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11! In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson & Williams, they asked him, ' Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the butt?' 'What!?!' replied the Marine, 'and have you three jerks report that I was the aggressor....?

flipper

thought these where cute

Attached Images

	j8ealwda5.jpg (78.3 KB, 26 views)
	1223989529.jpg (145.1 KB, 20 views)

Drew1369

Notice to All Employees

As of November 5, 2008, when President Obama is officially elected into
office, our company will instill a few new policies which are in keeping
with his new, inspiring issues of change and fairness:

1. All salespeople will be pooling their sales bonuses into a common pool
that will be divided equally between all of you. This will serve to give
those of you who are under-achieving a "fair shake."

2. All low level workers will be pooling their wages, including overtime,
into a common pool, dividing it equally amongst yourselves. This will help
those who are "too busy for overtime" to reap the rewards from those who
have more spare time and can work extra 20 hours.

3. All top management will now be referred to as "the government." We will
not participate in this "pooling" experience because the law doesn’t apply
to us.

4. The "government" will give eloquent speeches to all employees every week,
encouraging its workers to continue to work hard "for the good of all."

5. The employees will be thrilled with these new policies because it’s "good
to spread the wealth." Those of you who have under-achieved will finally
get an opportunity; those of you who have worked hard and had success will
feel more "patriotic."

6. The last few people who were hired should clean out their desks. Don’t
feel bad though, because President Obama will give you free healthcare, free
handouts, free oil for heating your home, free food stamps, and he’ll let
you stay in your home for as long as you want even if you can’t pay your
mortgage. If you appeal directly to our democratic congress, you might
even get a free flat screen TV and a coupon for free haircuts (shouldn’t all
Americans be entitled to nice looking hair?) !!!

If for any reason you are not happy with the new policies, you may want to
rethink your vote on November 4th.

flipper

'Twas the night before elections
And all through the town
Tempers were flaring
Emotions all up and down!
I, in my bathrobe
With a cat in my lap
Had cut off the TV
Tired of political crap.
When all of a sudden
There arose such a noise
I peered out of my window
Saw Obama and his boys
They had come for my wallet
They wanted my pay
To give to the others
Who had not worked a day!
He snatched up my money
And quick as a wink
Jumped back on his bandwagon
As I gagged from the stink
He then rallied his henchmen
Who were pulling his cart
I could tell they were out
To tear my country apart!
" On Fannie, on Freddie,
On Biden and Ayers!
On Acorn, On Pelosi"
He screamed at the pairs!
They took off for his cause
And as he flew out of sight
I heard him laugh at the nation
Who wouldn't stand up and fight!
So I leave you to think
On this one final note-
IF YOU DONT WANT SOCIALISM
GET OUT AND VOTE!!!!

k2skier

The Ballad of Sarah Palin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwRnOHsRS48

Hey Sarah Palin...(Hey Delilah)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DIc8jdra0o

WereBo

B H Obama has notified his relatives that he's moving house, and they're welcome to come and visit.....

sobeit

and thats just the first load...

40sondacurb

wait until his mother's side gets word.

strjms72

I don't think there are cars in the jungle.

Galatic

Drew1369

Everyone in America Liked Christmas a lot...
But the Grinch, who worked for a "news" service, Did NOT!

The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all
Was his heart (or something) was two sizes too small.

But,
Whatever the reason, His heart or his shoes,
or that this Christmas his future was looking bleak, too
(and "misery loves company" at least, in his view)
he thought he'd kill Christmas with a lot of bad news

"They're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some stories to stop Christmas from coming!"
grnch1a.jpg

"This'll do for a start..." The Grinch said, as he clucked,
The global economy is totally - hosed!
"No one's shopping this year, and I'm overjoyed"
"They're lucky to have stockings - they're all unemployed!"

"And with global warming," the Grinch grinch-ish-ly screamed,
"The only White Christmas will be in their dreams!"
"It's a scientific fact - there's no doubt any more!"
"Only fools celebrate Christmas but deny Al Gore"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the newsroom, and he laughed at the "peasants".
He looked for a story of deaths in a fire,
when suddenly Baghdad news lit up the wire.

"hmmm...", said the Grinch, "maybe over on page two...
"No, what am I thinking? That will never do."
Then he tossed those reports right into the trash can
and Googled the death toll from Afghanistan

He filed his stories with a gleam in his eyes
"Tonight's work should get me a Pulitzer prize!"
But his head hurt from all of that serious thinking,
so he sat himself down and he started to drinking...

The next day, quite hungover, he slowly awoke,
but smiled and cackled, grabbed the cable remote
"Pooh-Pooh to the fools!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!"
"They're just waking up! Then they'll see the news!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the sheepleville sheeple will all cry Boo-Hoo!"

grnch2a.jpg"That's a sight and a sound that I MUST hear and see!"
So he cranked the surround on his HDTV.
And he did hear a sound rising on the news show.
It started in low.
Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at America! The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Everyone cross the nation, the tall and the small,
were singing! Without any real cares at all!

He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Grinch, with his grinchy-head pounding in pain,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "They must be insane!"
"I know - they're too stupid! They don't realize!
It's me that they need just to open their eyes!"

And what happened then...? Well...there's some who might say
That the Grinch's small heart shrunk three sizes that day!

'Cause he pulled all the shades and he locked up the door,
and started drooling and scheming, and typing some more

When into his inbox a reminder plopped
that caused him to pause, then he totally stopped

His boss sent a memo that he felt was cruel
But it stated for certain there was just one rule

And he knew it was wise, and follow it he would:
"After January 20 all the news must be good"

"I'm no dummy," he sneered, "they won't be showing me the door"
"At least not while I'm leasing a new Audi A4"

So you folks in America can take it from me
Next year will be better
As seen on TV.

Drew1369

What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?

The Italian - throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.

The German - carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new
cup of coffee.

The Frenchman - takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.

The Chinese - eats the fly and throws away the coffee.

The Russian - Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.

The Israeli - sells the coffee to the Frenchman, the fly to the
Chinese, drinks tea and uses the extra money to invent a device that
prevents flies from falling into coffee.

The Palestinian - blames the Israeli for the fly falling in his
coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from
the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to
purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the
Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, the German and the Russian are
all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup
of tea to the Palestinian.

k2skier

Tom Toles

Attached Images

toles.gif (62.0 KB, 20 views)

bry623

lol!!

k2skier

After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.



So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.



The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'



The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me..'



'Trust me,' said the doctor.



So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!



'1'



'2'



'3'



'4'



'5'





At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.



This procedure works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, West Virginia, Missouri .... and Washington DC

kinbard

And I'm from Tennessee

Chode

Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Republicans don't like change.

k2skier

An Ode to W, or just coincidental?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nULKw...eature=related