Joke Thread

[Jason]

Lets try to keep the jokes clean ok?

Notice to Windows users outside of South Philly

= Important update from Microsoft regarding Windows...

Dear Consumers:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS XP SOUTH
PHILLY EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside South Philly. If
you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands.

The South Philly edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen.
It reads: "WINDAS XP," with a background picture of the Italian Market.
When you start the program, instead of the usual "harpy, stringy" music,
you hear the theme from the Godfather. It is also shipped with a
Sopranos
screen saver.

Please also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "South West Philly".
My Computer is called "My Friggin' Computer".
The Inbox is referred to as "The Trunk".
Deleted items are referred to as "Wacked Out" or "Rubbed Out".
Dial up Networking is called "The Bar".
Control Panel is known as the "The Bosses".
Performing an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancing the family
business" and will actually maximize the program instead of shuttingit
down.
Hard Drive is referred to as "I-95 Rush Hour".
Instead of an error message a "You ain't gonna friggin' believe this!"
pops up.

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTH PHILLY EDITION:
OK.......................... Sure ting
Cancel.................... Fugetaboutit
Reset...................... Start Ova
Yes.......................... Yeah
No........................... Nah
Find........................ Put a contract out on
Browse................... Get a looksee
Back....................... Ubie
Help....................... (Help is not available - yous don't need no
stinking help)
Stop...................... Knock it off
Start...................... Move it!
Settings................. Here's the Rules

Also note that any voice recognition software run on the SOUTH
PHILLY EDITION platform does not recognize the letter "r.
Some programs and other accessories that are exclusive to
WINDAS XP:
Typa................... A word processing program
Printa................. Printer
Calculata........... Calculator
Solitare.............. Seven Card Stud

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if
you received a copy of the SOUTH PHILLY EDITION.
You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

Yous got a problem wit dat?

[Jason]

Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His
broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with
numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.

One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing.
He had parked his Motorola 68000 in the main drive. He had
missed the 5100 bus that morning, when he noticed an elegant
piece of liveware inspecting the daisy wheels in his garden.
"She looks user-friendly," he thought. "I'll see if she'd
like an update tonight."

Mini was her name and she was delightfully engineered with
eyes like cobol and a prime mainframe architecture that set
Micro's peripherals networking all over the place.

He shifted over to her casually, admiring the power of her
twin 32-bit floating point processors, and inquired, "How
are you, Honeywell?"

"Yes, I am well," she responded, batting her optic fibers
engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear
functions.

Micro thought about a recursive approach but settled for a
straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight," he
said. "How about computing a vector to my base address? I'll
output a byte to eat and maybe we could get offset later on."

Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds then dumped
the results. "I've been put on a queue myself recently and a
rendezvous is just what I need to activate my tasks. I'll
park my machine cycle and meet you inside." She walked off,
leaving Micro admiring the way her dynamic resources were
allocated and thinking, "Wow, what a cache! I wonder if she's
available for prime time maintenance."

They sat down at the process table to a platter of fiche and
chips and a basket of baudot. Mini was in conversational mode
and expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave continuous
acknowledgments, although, in background, he was analyzing the
shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He finally
decided on the old 'Would you like to see some of my benchmark
programs', but Mini anticipated his flow.

Without a prompt, she was up and stripping off her parity bits
to reveal the full functionality of her operating system
software.

"Let's get BASIC, you RAM," she commanded. Micro was executing
firmware by this stage, but his hardware policing module had
an accelerated processor and was in danger of overflowing its
output buffer - a bug that Micro had been consulting his analyst
about. "Core dump!" he complained.

Micro auto-recovered, however, when Mini went down on DEC and
opened her divide files to reveal her data set ready. He
accessed his fully packed root device and was just about to
enter her kernal when she attempted an escape sequence.

"Abort!" she cried. "You're not shielded."

"Reset, baby," he said. "I've been debugged."

"But I haven't got my current loop disabled and I can't support
child processes," she protested.

"Don't run away," he begged. "I'll generate an interrupt."

"No, that's too error prone - and I can't abort because of my
design philosophy."

Micro was in phase locked oscillations by this stage and
could not be terminated. But Mini soon stopped his thrashing
by inducing a voltage spike in his main supply, whereupon he
fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.

"Computers!" she thought as she compiled herself. "All they
ever think about is hex!"

[Jason]

Someone is using your email account...



10> "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our
driveway?"

9> One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another
is slapping cuffs on you.

8> Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about
to turn ugly.

7> When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"

6> Your inbox is filled with sheep porno and you're strictly a
cow porno kind of guy.

5> You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.

4> Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe
them $71,000,000 and change.

3> Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" email from your Mom.

2> Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your
Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.


1> "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact
information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who
will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."

[Jason]

Beer for Geeks

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz can, but now comes in a 16-oz can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2-oz each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
MAC Beer: At first, came only in a 16-oz can, but now comes in a 32-oz can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the wastebin.

Windows 95 Beer: The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

Windows 98 Beer: See Windows 95 beer above. About the same but Windows 98 beer creates less gas and makes you crash less.

Windows 2000 Beer: A new beer on the market. A lot of people have taste tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks like Mac and OS/2 Beer's can, but tastes like Windows 95/98 Beer. It comes in 32-oz cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 95/98 Beer until their friends try Windows 2000 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS and Mac Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look like Windows 2000 Beer's, after Windows 2000 Beer starts shipping well. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8-oz to 64-oz. Drinkers on Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for these occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years...

AmigaOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well, because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. it originally came in a 16-oz can, but now comes in 32-oz cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colourful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

[idtent]

Oldie but Goodie. BTW not computer related.

A nun is talking with her Mother Superior. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother Superior.

"Well, I was playing golf and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle zoomed down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"IS THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Mother Superior.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then the Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the $%&# putt, didn't you?"

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The
officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour,
sir."


The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise
control at 60,perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly
from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks
over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your
mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be
thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As
the officer makes out the second ticket for the
illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his
wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman,
can't you keep your mouth shut."

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're
not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic
$75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see
officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled
me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket."

The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you
didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your
seat belt when you're driving." And as the police
officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE
HELL UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does
your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"No, officer. Only when he's been drinking"

[merlin]

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.

"What's logic?" asked Bubba.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"

"I sure do," answered the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN'!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of! I cain't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.

"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.

"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.

Cooter says, "What in tarnation is logic?"

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"

"No."

"You're a *****, ain't ya?"

[merlin]

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."

[jgvernonco]

Did you hear about the programmer that was up all night before his Doctor's vist?

He was studying for his urine test!

[jgvernonco]

After that, the guy suffered through the summer...


because he lost his recipe for ice!

[jgvernonco]

There were two ladies from Schulsy...



Sorry, Danrak...

:angel:

[merlin]

Sexual Confessional

A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest.
''Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.''

''Tell all of your sins, my daughter.''

''Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times,'' she says.

The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, ''Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it.''

''Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?''

''No,'' the priest says, ''but it'll wipe that smile off your face!''

[merlin]

Man Of The House

A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The husband took off his pants and handed them to his wife.
"See if they fit."

"They don't."

"Now you see who will wear the pants in this house." She thought a little while, and took off her panties and asked him to try them on.

"I can't get into these."

"And you won't, either, with that attitude."

[Chevy]

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY ~~~~~ DAY 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am- OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am- OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am- OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon- OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm- OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm- OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM- OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM- OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!



EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the satisfaction of ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today I attempted to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking and almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust these vile oppressors, I made myself vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.

DAY 766- Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed about what a good cat I was. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768- I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time it included a burning chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was a gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could smell the foul odor what they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774- I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his confinement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time..

[Volt-Schwibe]

i always thought that cats thought stuff like that too

that made me laugh.

~BoB~

[idtent]

Why you shouldn't send Chain Letters

If you send this message off to 20 people within the next 4 days, and each of them send this letter off to 20 other people within 4 days... In 40 days, approximately 10 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet.

From day 40 to day 44, an additional 200 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet, at an average of 50 trillion messages per day.

From day 44 to 48, an additional 4,000 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet, at an average of 1,000 trillion messages a day, 41.7 trillion messages per hour,

694 billion messages per minute, or 11.6 billion messages per second.

Of course, the Internet will have ground to a complete halt way before then, and a good thing too, because by day 44 (assuming each man, woman and child in the world is tied to the Internet) you would have to respond to about 2 chain mail letters per second, sending off 20 responses each second, giving you 5/100 of a second to send each message. If you drop the ball, you will break about 1,800,000 chain letters per day, bringing almost two million times the bad luck upon yourself than if you broke the first chain letter to begin with.

The logical conclusion? It is better to break the initial chain letter and receive one dose of bad luck than to continue the chain letter, and by day 44, receive 1,800,000 doses of bad luck. I knew one poor fellow who ended up in such a circumstance. He ended up having 287,345 heart attacks, losing 5,137 wives, got fired from at least 100,000 jobs, and was run over by a truck. His Visa card was also revoked. Nobody liked him anymore.

He finally ended up committing suicide 459 times, but he was so unlucky, he was never successful. Finally, he resigned to the idea of not dying, and was immediately hit by a meteorite and vaporized. But his cells went on to experience even more bad luck.

Titanic - $9.99 on Internet

Clinton- $35.00 on Internet


Titanic: Over 3 hours long

Clinton: Over 3 hours long


Titanic: The story of Jack &Rose, their forbidden love, and

Subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton: The story of Bill &Monica, their forbidden love, and

Subsequent catastrophe.


Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton: Bill is a bullchit artist.


Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton: Ditto for Bill.


Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

Clinton: Ditto for Monica.


Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton: Let's not go there.


Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.


Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.


Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

Clinton: Monica... Oh, never mind.


Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary... Basically the same thing.

[badger]

I know i'm about to lower the tone and standard of this thread, but whatever.

A very happy duck walks into a bar.
Barman: Why are you so happy?
Duck1: Its been raining, its been great, I've been in and out of puddles all day.
A second happy duck walks into a bar
Barman: Why are you so happy aswell?
Duck2: I've had a fantastic day. The weathers perfect, i've been going in and out of puddles all day.
A third duck walks into a bar, this time not so happy
Barman: Why are you so sad; the others were so happy...?
Duck3: I'm puddles.

[DumberDrummer]

Coupla traffic related jokes.


This man was driving down a country highway, when he is pulled over by a cop.

The cop says "Sir, how fast do you think you were going?"

The man replies "Ohh, 'bout 180"

C: Are you aware, sir, that the speed limit on this particular road is 55?

M: Really? I though that it was 210!

C: No sir, that's the highway number.
................................
................................
A few years ago, there was a well known highway in Montana that had no speed limit. Many politikers decided that the road needed one. So they gave it one, and put police on it to patrol. Now, naturally, the police were not happy about having an additional road to patrol, so the speed limit was loosely enforced. So then the politicians said that they (the police) would lose funding if the law was not enforced. So the police made the fine for breaking the speed limit $5.

Anyway, this man is pulled over for violating the speed limit. The cop says "I won't give you a ticket if you can fork over the $5 now". He replies. "Okay" and gives him a $10 bill. The cop says "Sir, this is 2 times the fine" and the man replies "That's okay, I'm coming back this way next week.
_____________________
_____________________
Not really jokes, but at the least, mildly amusing anecdotes.

[Chevy]

A man was speeding, going about 95 mph down the highway, when he was pulled over by the state police.

The Statie, being in a good mood for once, decided to give the guy a break, if the driver could give him a good reason for driving so fast.

The driver stared ahaead, smiled to himself, and said "Last week, my wife of 15 years left me for a cop, and I thought you were trying to give her back."


The Statie ripped up the ticket.