Joke Thread

[Glaswegian]

A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
She asks,"What about the smell?"
He says,"Hold its nose."

[Grove]

[Glaswegian]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her
father cussed her.



"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a
line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum
thru?



"The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute."



"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to
this family."



"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat,
title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5
million.



For me little brother this gold Rolex and for ye daddy the sparkling new
Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership
to the country club....(takes a breath)....an invitation for ye all to spend
New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."



"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.



Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."



"Oh! Be Jesus! -- Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said 'a
Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

[Grove]

Did you think of these or did you find it somewhere ?

[Glaswegian]

Originally Posted by Grove4Life

Did you think of these or did you find it somewhere ?

I have a fair collection of bits and pieces and e-mails assembled over the years. I'm afraid I can't claim that I made them up. Many I cannot post in anywhere, but some I can - I'll keep them coming Some you may have seen and some not.




Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

[dEfCoN/]

How do you sink a polish Battleship?

Put it in water

[Glaswegian]

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls ********* from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said,
"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

[Spatcher]

Glassy, you nasty ol' haggis eater

That was yuck

[Glaswegian]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaimed, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request."
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I said BRING THE POSSE!"

[Glaswegian]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it’s three in the morning and it’s pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of your self!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[Spatcher]

Lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Grove]

We have our official TSF comedian

[DumberDrummer]

yay! we need one!

[Glaswegian]

Originally Posted by Grove

We have our official TSF comedian

Is this your new name 'Grove', and did you have an operation to remove the other bits?

[Glaswegian]

Some things to ponder about life.............


Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?

If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?

Can you cry under water?

What level of importance must a person have before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

[v-six]

A great link of mean things to do to your friends.
Linky :P Linky

[DumberDrummer]

you suck... I puzzled at that for like a minute or two....

[Spatcher]

What the heck Six..................

Oh wait...

DD ban him!

[Grove]

Yup, I had all the 'extra' bits removed Glaswegian. It took some time but now I am free

[DumberDrummer]

Originally Posted by HenryVI

What the heck Six..................

Oh wait...

DD ban him!

He outranks me, I'm afraid.