Joke Thread - Page 6

ebackhus · 09-16-2005, 10:06 AM

Three nuns were attending a baseball game and the hoods of their habits were partially blocking the men sitting behind them.

"I'm gonna move to Nebraska where they only have 50 nuns!" says the first man.

"I'm gonna move to Utah where they only have 25 nuns!" exclaims the second.

"Well I'm moving to Ohio where they only have 1 nun!" says the third.

Then, one of the nuns turns and in a very calm and sweet voice says to the men, "Why don't you all go to hell. There aren't any nuns there."

**ReeKorl** · 09-29-2005, 02:19 AM

One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again.

He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

--------------------------

"Flight 594, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.."

"But Control, we are at 35.000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?"

~~icanhelpyou~~ · 10-02-2005, 02:56 PM

SPAMMER

**myquitehead** · 10-03-2005, 08:56 AM

Why do they call it PMS??

Because "Mad Cow" was already taken.

**40sondacurb** · 10-03-2005, 03:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by myquitehead

Why do they call it PMS??

Because "Mad Cow" was already taken.

ouch, hope your wife never needs tech support and wonders in here; we might never see you again.

~~whodat~~ · 10-05-2005, 07:51 AM

--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

**devil lady** · 10-09-2005, 01:01 AM

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Bert had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed
to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

elf · 10-09-2005, 08:59 AM

**Grove** · 10-09-2005, 06:00 PM

**sandman55** · 10-09-2005, 09:39 PM

I,ve heard this one put to music:

The Sick Note (Murphy and the Bricks)

Dear Sir, I write this note to you to tell you of my plight
For at the time of writing, I'm not a pretty sight
Me body is all black and blue, me face a deathly gray
And I write this note to say why Murphy's not at work today.

While working on the 14th floor, some bricks I had to clear
But to toss them down from such a height was not a good idea
The foreman wasn't very pleased, he is an awkward sod
He said I'd have to cart them down the ladders in me hod.

Now shifting all those bricks by hand it was so very slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured a rope below
But in me haste to do the job I was to blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me.

And so when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope, I started up instead
I shot up like a rocket, till my dismay I found
That half-way up I met the bloody barrel coming down.

Now the barrel broke me shoulder, as to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top, I banged the pulley with me head
I clung on tightly numb with shock, from this almighty blow
And the barrel spilled out half the bricks some 14 floors below.

Now when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more
Still clinging tightly to the rope, me body wracked with pain
And half way down I met the bloody barrel once again.

Now the force of this collision half way down the office block
Caused multiple abrasions and a nasty state of shock
Still clinging tightly to the rope, I fell towards the ground
And I landed on the broken bricks the barrel had scattered round.

I lay there groaning on the ground, I thought I'd past the worst
But the barrel hit the pulley wheel and then the bottom burst
A shower of bricks rained down on me, I didn't have a hope
As I lay there bleeding on the ground I let go of the bloody rope.

Now, the barrel then being heavier, it started down once more
It landed right across me as I lay there on the floor
It broke three ribs and my left arm and I can only say
I hope you'll understand why Murphy's not at work today.

**myquitehead** · 10-18-2005, 01:10 PM

A priest, a pervert, and a pedophile walk into a bar. He orders a gin and tonic.

ebackhus · 10-21-2005, 10:21 AM

Ha ha, awesome!!

**K-B** · 11-02-2005, 04:03 AM

Q:What goes VROOM, SCREEEECH, VROOM SCREEEECH?

A:A blonde driving through a blinking red light.

**Glaswegian** · 11-02-2005, 05:05 AM

If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.

It will drink ALL your beer.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *******

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you. Send this warning to everyone.

If you are a blonde, this is a joke!!!

~~whodat~~ · 11-13-2005, 05:06 PM

CABBIE AND A NUN
>>>
>>> A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very
>>> handsome
>>> cab driver won't stop staring at her.
>>>
>>> She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask
>>> you,
>>> but I don't want to offend you."
>>>
>>> She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
>>> and
>>> have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
>>> about
>>> everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I
>>> would
>>> find offensive."
>>>
>>> "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
>>>
>>> She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that, number one,
>>> you
>>> have to be single and number two, you must be Catholic."
>>>
>>> The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
>>>
>>> "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
>>>
>>> The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
>>> But
>>> when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
>>>
>>> "My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
>>>
>>> "Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess: I'm married
>>> and I'm
>>> Jewish." !
>>>
>>> The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
>>> party!"

**40sondacurb** · 11-13-2005, 05:33 PM

what is red, green and spins really fast?

a frog in a blender.

chequer · 11-15-2005, 05:14 PM

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.
The mother-in-law dies. They go to an undertaker who explains
that they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over $5000, whereas
they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.
The guy says, "We'll ship her home."
The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense
and we can do a very nice burial here."
The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and
three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

chequer · 11-23-2005, 05:29 PM

"Well" says the vet "let's have a look at him".
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally he says "I'm going to have to put him down".
"What - because he's cross-eyed ?"
"No, because he's bloody heavy

jiki · 11-24-2005, 04:55 AM

Thats real cool

MSI Paketierung

chequer · 11-28-2005, 04:44 PM

What's got 4 legs and an arm ? ..............................
A happy Rottweiler.

09-16-2005, 10:06 AM	#101 (permalink)
ebackhus Manager, Design Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: SATX Posts: 14,255 OS: WinXP Pro SP3/Windows 7 RTM My System Blog Entries: 28	Nuns & baseball. Three nuns were attending a baseball game and the hoods of their habits were partially blocking the men sitting behind them. "I'm gonna move to Nebraska where they only have 50 nuns!" says the first man. "I'm gonna move to Utah where they only have 25 nuns!" exclaims the second. "Well I'm moving to Ohio where they only have 1 nun!" says the third. Then, one of the nuns turns and in a very calm and sweet voice says to the men, "Why don't you all go to hell. There aren't any nuns there." __________________ ----------------------------- There are no dumb questions, unless a customer is asking them. Help in the fight against cancer and other serious illnesses.

09-29-2005, 02:19 AM	#102 (permalink)
ReeKorl Superhuman Computer Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: 6th Circle, The City of Dis, Hell Posts: 1,610 OS: WinXP Pro SP2 My System	One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!" -------------------------- "Flight 594, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.." "But Control, we are at 35.000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?" __________________ "Sorry, the number you have dialled is imaginary. Please rotate dial by 90 degrees and try again."

10-02-2005, 02:56 PM	#103 (permalink)
~~icanhelpyou~~ Register user Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 5 OS: WinXP	SPAMMER Last edited by Volt-Schwibe; 10-02-2005 at 03:08 PM.

10-09-2005, 08:59 AM	#108 (permalink)
elf Manager, Microsoft Support Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Knoxville, TN or Austin, TX depending Posts: 7,038 OS: WinXP Pro SP3 and Windows 7 My System	__________________ If TSF has helped you, Tell us about it! or Donate to help keep the site up! I do not subscribe to threads, so if I stop replying, PM me with a link to your thread so I can find it again.

10-09-2005, 06:00 PM	#109 (permalink)
Grove Professor/Moderator, TSF Design School Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Australia Posts: 2,383 OS: Windows Vista SP2 32bit	__________________ ========================================== Get Help: TSF Security Forum \| HijackThis \| MB's 5 Step Process Get Clean: AdAware SE \| Spybot S&D \| CWShredder \| Ewido \| CleanUp! Get Protected: SpywareBlaster \| SpywareGuard \| Windows Updates \| IE-SpyAd If TSF has helped you, please consider making a donation to help keep the board running.

10-03-2005, 08:56 AM	#104 (permalink)
myquitehead TSF Enthusiast Join Date: Jun 2005 Posts: 572 OS: XP Pro Sp1	Why do they call it PMS?? Because "Mad Cow" was already taken.

10-05-2005, 07:51 AM	#106 (permalink)
~~whodat~~ Register user Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 5,931 OS: XP	--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

10-09-2005, 01:01 AM	#107 (permalink)
devil lady Tech, Design Team Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Tasmania, Australia Posts: 962 OS: XP SP2 My System	Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. Bert had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

10-09-2005, 09:39 PM	#110 (permalink)
sandman55 TSF Enthusiast Join Date: May 2005 Location: Australia Posts: 5,524 OS: WinXP Pro SP3	I,ve heard this one put to music: The Sick Note (Murphy and the Bricks) Dear Sir, I write this note to you to tell you of my plight For at the time of writing, I'm not a pretty sight Me body is all black and blue, me face a deathly gray And I write this note to say why Murphy's not at work today. While working on the 14th floor, some bricks I had to clear But to toss them down from such a height was not a good idea The foreman wasn't very pleased, he is an awkward sod He said I'd have to cart them down the ladders in me hod. Now shifting all those bricks by hand it was so very slow So I hoisted up a barrel and secured a rope below But in me haste to do the job I was to blind to see That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me. And so when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead And clinging tightly to the rope, I started up instead I shot up like a rocket, till my dismay I found That half-way up I met the bloody barrel coming down. Now the barrel broke me shoulder, as to the ground it sped And when I reached the top, I banged the pulley with me head I clung on tightly numb with shock, from this almighty blow And the barrel spilled out half the bricks some 14 floors below. Now when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more Still clinging tightly to the rope, me body wracked with pain And half way down I met the bloody barrel once again. Now the force of this collision half way down the office block Caused multiple abrasions and a nasty state of shock Still clinging tightly to the rope, I fell towards the ground And I landed on the broken bricks the barrel had scattered round. I lay there groaning on the ground, I thought I'd past the worst But the barrel hit the pulley wheel and then the bottom burst A shower of bricks rained down on me, I didn't have a hope As I lay there bleeding on the ground I let go of the bloody rope. Now, the barrel then being heavier, it started down once more It landed right across me as I lay there on the floor It broke three ribs and my left arm and I can only say I hope you'll understand why Murphy's not at work today.

10-18-2005, 01:10 PM	#111 (permalink)
myquitehead TSF Enthusiast Join Date: Jun 2005 Posts: 572 OS: XP Pro Sp1	A priest, a pervert, and a pedophile walk into a bar. He orders a gin and tonic.

10-21-2005, 10:21 AM	#112 (permalink)
ebackhus Manager, Design Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: SATX Posts: 14,255 OS: WinXP Pro SP3/Windows 7 RTM My System Blog Entries: 28	Ha ha, awesome!! __________________ ----------------------------- There are no dumb questions, unless a customer is asking them. Help in the fight against cancer and other serious illnesses.

11-02-2005, 04:03 AM	#113 (permalink)
K-B Moderator, Linux Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: NY Posts: 2,877 OS: Vista, Ubuntu My System	Q:What goes VROOM, SCREEEECH, VROOM SCREEEECH? A:A blonde driving through a blinking red light. __________________

11-02-2005, 05:05 AM	#114 (permalink)
Glaswegian Moderator/ Rangemaster TSF Academy; Analyst, Security Team; Oor Wullie; TSF Surgeon and Resident Comic Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Glasgow Posts: 25,449 OS: Win XP Pro SP3 / Win 7 Pro My System Blog Entries: 10	If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. ***** WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *** And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you. Send this warning to everyone. If you are a blonde, this is a joke!!! __________________ Iain - Defender of the Haggis and all things Scottish. I don't help by PM - post in the Forums.** PC Safety & Security::PC running a bit slow?::Donate::Photographers Corner

11-13-2005, 05:06 PM	#115 (permalink)
~~whodat~~ Register user Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 5,931 OS: XP	CABBIE AND A NUN >>> >>> A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very >>> handsome >>> cab driver won't stop staring at her. >>> >>> She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask >>> you, >>> but I don't want to offend you." >>> >>> She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am >>> and >>> have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just >>> about >>> everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I >>> would >>> find offensive." >>> >>> "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." >>> >>> She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that, number one, >>> you >>> have to be single and number two, you must be Catholic." >>> >>> The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" >>> >>> "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." >>> >>> The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. >>> But >>> when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. >>> >>> "My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?" >>> >>> "Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess: I'm married >>> and I'm >>> Jewish." ! >>> >>> The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween >>> party!"

11-13-2005, 05:33 PM	#116 (permalink)
40sondacurb Don't be a menace Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 6,285 OS: Vista sp2	what is red, green and spins really fast? a frog in a blender. __________________ Donate to keep the forum running Last edited by 40sondacurb; 11-13-2005 at 05:34 PM.

11-15-2005, 05:14 PM	#117 (permalink)
chequer Registered User Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Australia Posts: 71 OS: WindowsXP Home Edition SP2	Won't risk it A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over $5000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150. The guy says, "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here." The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

11-23-2005, 05:29 PM	#118 (permalink)
chequer Registered User Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Australia Posts: 71 OS: WindowsXP Home Edition SP2	Prognosis "Well" says the vet "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally he says "I'm going to have to put him down". "What - because he's cross-eyed ?" "No, because he's bloody heavy

11-24-2005, 04:55 AM	#119 (permalink)
jiki Registered User Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: germany Posts: 6 OS: XP	Thats real cool Thats real cool MSI Paketierung

11-28-2005, 04:44 PM	#120 (permalink)
chequer Registered User Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Australia Posts: 71 OS: WindowsXP Home Edition SP2	Happy is.... What's got 4 legs and an arm ? .............................. A happy Rottweiler.