Joke Thread

[sandman55]

EMPLOYEE TRAINING


In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.*.*.*.). We are trying to give employees more S.*.*.*. than anyone else.


If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.*.*.*. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.*.*.*. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.*.*.*. you can handle.


Employees who do not take their S.*.*.*. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.*.*.*.) Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.*.*.*. seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T S.*.*.*.).


Since our managers took S.*.*.*. before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.*.*.*. anymore, as they are all full of S.*.*.*. already.


If you are full of S.*.*.*., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L S.*.*.*.) Those who are full of B.U.L.L S.*.*.*. will get the S.*.*.*. jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P S.*.*.*.)


If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T S.*.*.*.)


Thank you,


Boss in General
(B.I.G S.*.*.*.)

[TheMatt]

OMG ROFLMAO Good one!

[sandman55]

I cant remember if I have posted this one here I hope not.

Letter Home
This letter from a new army recruit to Mum and Dad back home in
Eromanga, a small town west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland Australia.

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and
Phil that the
Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in
bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't
hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all you
gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform.
No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo
steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until
noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on
a route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I
keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a
bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya
like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize
cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and
hit the target - it's a piece of ****!! You don't even load your own
cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself
against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be
real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil
and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home
after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like
I'm in the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke
from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15
stone and three pickhandles across the shoulders and as ya know
I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick
before word gets around how bloody good it is.
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Your loving daughter,
Jill xxx

[mebegaming]

there was a "special" kid who went to school on the short buss every day.

on day he went to his mom "m-mom i dont wa-want to riiide the short buss anymore, i w-want to ride the big buss like e-everyone else"
the mom sais "ok tommorow go to were the big buss picks you up"

so the next morning he goes out and sees the buss coming. but it passes him right up

"m-mom the buss passed me up"
"ok tommorow go out and when the buss comes yell for him to stop"

so the next morning he stands outside and waits for the buss to come. when it does it yells for it to stop but it just passes right on by.

"M-mom the b-bus passed me by again!"
"*sigh* ok this time yell realy loud and jump up and down and wave you hands in the air, he will stop then."

so next morning when the buss came he ran into the street and yelled, jumped up and down, and waved his arms, and the buss ran him over

when the cops were talking to buss driver he said "why did you run over that poor "special" kid?"

"H-he was ma-making f-f-fun of m-me!"

[sandman55]

I got this in an email today
Whatever obstacles you face today, I hope they can be solved this easily!
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They must have been quick with the camera I don't think the cat would have put up with that for long

[blackduck30]

Ireland's worst air disaster struck today when a two seater plane
crashed into the local cemetery.

Irish rescue workers attended the crash site and have recovered 826 bodies.

Digging continues

[blackduck30]

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 30 pounds!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from bloody 'skippin' " the Irishman said

[sandman55]

Good ones Blackduck

[karusho]

This piece is currently floating around cyberspace.

Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?

A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction honey.

Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.

A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.

Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?

A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.

Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of mass destruction, did we?

A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden. Don't worry, we'll find something, probably right before the 2004 election.

Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?

A: To use them in a war, silly.

Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we went to war with them?

A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.

Q: That doesn't make sense Daddy. Why would they choose to die if they had all those big weapons to fight us back with?

A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense.

Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those weapons our government said they did.

A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.

Q: And what was that?

A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country.

Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country?

A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.

Q: Kind of like what they do in China?

A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.

Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures people?

A: Right.

Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?

A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.

Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?

A: I told you, China is different.

Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?

A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while China is Communist.

Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?

A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.

Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?

A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.

Q: Like in Iraq?

A: Exactly.

Q: And like in China, too?

A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other hand, is not.

Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?

A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until they stopped being communists and started being capitalists like us.

Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become capitalists?

A: Don't be a smart-***.

Q: I didn't think I was being one.

A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba.

Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?

A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a legitimate leader anyway.

Q: What's a military coup?

A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States.

Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?

A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.

Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?

A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.

Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an illegitimate leader?

A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he helped us invade Afghanistan.

Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?

A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.

Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?

A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men, fifteen of them Saudi Arabians, hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings, killing over 3,000 Americans.

Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?

A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban.

Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off people's heads and hands?

A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.

Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars back in May of 2001?

A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job fighting drugs.

Q: Fighting drugs?

A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies.

Q: How did they do such a good job?

A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads cut off.

Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people's heads and hands off for other reasons?

A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off people's hands for stealing bread.

Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?

A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not comply.

Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?

A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.

Q: What's the difference?

A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers.

Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.

A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.

Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were from Saudi Arabia.

A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.

Q: Who trained them?

A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.

Q: Was he from Afghanistan?

A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man.

Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.

A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.

Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?

A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.

Q: So the Soviets ? I mean, the Russians ? are now our friends?

A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the French and the Germans because they didn't help us invade Iraq either.

Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?

A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.

Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do what we want them to do?

A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.

Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?

A: Well, yeah. For a while.

Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?

A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend, temporarily.

Q: Why did that make him our friend?

A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.

Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?

A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.

Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically becomes our friend?

A: Most of the time, yes.

Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?

A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the better.

Q: Why?

A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for America. Also, since God is on America's side, anyone who opposes war is a godless un-American Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked Iraq?

Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?

A: Yes.

Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?

A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do.

Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we attacked Iraq because George W. Bush hears voices in his head?

A: Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.

[karusho]

The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My personal favorite.)

13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."<
11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."

6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven "

5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

4. "Just how big were those two beers?

3. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC (National Crime Information Center)."

2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours at least you know someone who can post your bail."

And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!

1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't."

[blackduck30]

FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP.......

1. Its important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans & has a job.

2. Its important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. Its important to have a woman who you can trust and doesn't lie.

4. Its important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.

5. Its very, very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

[sandman55]

Keep 'em coming guys

[sandman55]

Hilary Clinton Pregnant
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she’s pregnant.

She is furious... Here she is, in the middle of her first term as Senator of New York and this has happened to her.

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming; “How could you have let this happen? With all that’s going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can’t believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?”

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.

She screams again, “Did you hear me?”

Finally she hears Bill’s very, very quiet voice.



In a barely audible whisper, he says,

“Who is this?”

[RAF1]

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know in Arkansas we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you?"

And the best one of them all...

1. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there."

[JohnthePilot]

LOL. I've felt like saying some of those things myself.

[karusho]

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, “You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?”

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really ARE Einstein!” he says. “Welcome to heaven!”

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”

Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.”

Picasso erases Einstein’s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!” he says. “Come on in!”

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”

George W. looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”

Saint Peter sighs and says, “Come on in, George.”

[ebackhus]

All hail Karusho, KING of this thread!

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12 year old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press
their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every
night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls
would put them back. Finally, the principal decided that something had
to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there
with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were
causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors
every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little
princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the
mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much
effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet and
cleaned the mirror with it. Since then there have been no lip prints on
the mirror. There are teachers.... and then there are educators.

[TheMatt]

Originally Posted by ebackhus

All hail Karusho, KING of this thread!

[JohnthePilot]

Matt jumped in () before I could comment on yours eb. Very clever and very true.

[karusho]

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that i s why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.