Joke Thread

[Go The Power]

I dont think anyones Mum or wife would be happy to find that on there door step

[sandman55]

Another from the archives

[TheMatt]

Some amusing tidbits from comedian Mark Davis -

1. Why is abbreviated such a long word?
   
   
2. When they send styrofoam through the mail, what do they pack it in?
   
   
3. I'd like you to read my autobiography someone wrote for me.
   
   
4. If most auto accidents happen within 5 miles from home, why not move 10 miles away?
   
   
5. If cats always land feet first and bread always lands "butter side down," what happens when you strap buttered bread on the back of a cat and let it fall?
   
   
6. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
   
   
7. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
   
   
8. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
   
   
9. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
   
   
10. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
    
    
11. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
    
    
12. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
    
    
13. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
    
    
14. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
    
    
15. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
    
    
16. If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
    
    
17. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
    
    
18. You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
    
    
19. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
    
    
20. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
    
    
21. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
    
    
22. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
    
    
23. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

[ebackhus]

Originally Posted by TheMatt

[*]Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?[/list]

I actually do that...

[yustr]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C..
One from New Jersey, a second from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some Measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.

[karusho]

"Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?"

It supposedly helps with concentration.

[Drew1369]

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.

So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

[Drew1369]

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my ********* black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I''m only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my ********* black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can''t tell. I''m only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong.

"Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my ********* black?"

Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his pajama trousers, moves his ***** out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, "Nothing is wrong with them."

At this the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again,

"Are my test results back?"

[Drew1369]

Three welshmen are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

[Drew1369]

Two Frenchmen decide to open a bungee-jumping business in Mexico.
They set up on the square of a small village. Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord, and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isn't able to catch his friend, but he notices he has a few cuts and scratches.

Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses him. The third time it happens, Bob comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, "Holy cow, what happened? Was the cord too long?"

Bob looks confused and says, "No, the cord was fine... but what the heck is a pinata?"

[sandman55]

Good ones Drew

[TheMatt]

Awesome joke spree Drew.

[sandman55]

Study the green square closely for a little while and you will see something.

[sandman55]

A parents nightmare

[TheMatt]

Wow, what a mess.

[JohnthePilot]

That is definitely not a joke.

[sandman55]

Originally Posted by JohnthePilot

That is definitely not a joke.

If it was my home I would cry

[Go The Power]

There is an idea..., I should give some paint to my little cousins

[Tony.b99]

What do you call a drowding man?

BOB

[jen56]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed
home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely
stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please
allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their
school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to
school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners
and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove
home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1PM,
and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep
and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on
the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do
their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did
the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded
the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry,
bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he
went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get
through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord,
I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being
able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned
your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."