Joke Thread

[jen56]

Oh my Gosh these jokes are hilarious.

[TheMatt]

Now aren't you glad you stayed Jen?

[karusho]

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passengerpushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.

"The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, theagent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teethand swore. "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too.

[TheMatt]

Great jokes guys!!! I will have to find time to add links to these to my jokes list.

[sandman55]

karusho

[sandman55]

A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?
The husband laughs and says: An English girl !!!
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: So, honey, how was the trip?
Very good, thank you.
And, what happened to my present?
Which present?
what I asked for, the English girl?!
Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if its a girl !!!

[TheMatt]

[mimo2005]

The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 90 million in school.
Which leaves 50 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work For state and city Governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
Sitting on your ***,
At your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice.

[sandman55]

[sandman55]

What do you think of my smilie

[TheMatt]

Good one Mimo, that is kind of like the "So you want a day off?" joke.

[sandman55]

Out in space, two alien forms are speaking with each other.

The first spaceman says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons."

The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first spaceman says, " I don't think so...They have them aimed at themselves."

[karusho]

Originally Posted by mimo2005

The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 90 million in school.
Which leaves 50 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work For state and city Governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
Sitting on your ***,
At your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice.

I believe I posted a similar joke a while back.

[Go The Power]

very funny!

[jen56]

Magic Beer

A woman walks into the bar at the top of the local Marriott Hotel and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She sits down, orders a glass of wine, and trying to start a conversation, asks him what he is drinking. "Magic Beer", he says. Thinking the guy's a little crazy, she takes her drink and walks around the bar to see who else is there. Realizing that there's no one else worth talking to, she goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?" "Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." So the guy takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window again, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window. Amazed, the woman tells him she too wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having." The woman gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies. The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real <TWITBAT> hole when you're drunk."

[sandman55]

Good one jen

I got this one in an email today it gave me a laugh:-

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all
use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard
on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.



Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the

things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a
bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of
Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the
cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea

how freaking good I feel right now.

Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner
peace.

[TheMatt]

OMGROFLMAO

[sandman55]

Here is another

[Go The Power]

Keep them coming

[sandman55]

Here's another