Joke Thread

[myquitehead]

A baby seal walked into a club....

------

A pirate walks into a bar. The bar tender looks at him and says, "Sir, did you realize you've got a steering wheel hanging out of your zipper?" The pirate glances down and replies, "Arrr, and it's drivin' me nuts!"

------

A man walks into a bar with a newt sitting on his shoulder. The bar tender notices this and asks, "What's your little friend's name?" "Tiny," the man replied. "Why Tiny," asked the bar tender? "Because he's my newt!!"

------

Did you hear about the magical tractor? It turned into a field.

------

Two sausages sit in a pan. One of them says, "Jeez it's sure hot in here." The other exclaims, "HOLY CRAP A TALKING SAUSAGE!!"

------

A Blonde a Brunette and a Readhead are all in prison. The Brunette has noticed a method of escape and shares the information with the other two. They stow away in some supply bags and end up in the shipping area. A guard walks by and notices an odd shaped sack. He walks up to the Redhead's bag and gives it a kick. "meow," says the Readhead. "Hmm, guess it's a stowaway cat," says the guard. He walks over to the Brunette's bag and gives it a kick. "Ruff ruff," says the Brunette. "Wow a dog too," says the guard. Next he walks over to the Blonde's bag and gives it a kick. "POTATO!"

[Nariaco]

More... You know your a geek when.

*If you have ever known more than tech support.

*You cringe whenever you hear the words "So I installed Windows ME"

*You swear you hear your computer cries whenever you go into BIOS.

*You know 2 or more online retailer websites off the top of your head, including which one is better, and how much every product is.

*Your hard drive has more gigabytes of space than your vechile has horse power.

*"OMG! HAX! YOU CEHAETR!"
Upon seeing that sentence you immedately thought "n00b"

*You modded your computer case to hold a warehouse fan.

*"There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who know binary code, and those who don't"
You got that joke.

*Your idea of a good time includes canned air and a dusty mother board.

*Your motto is "Theres no such thing as too much RAM".

*You have attempted to overclock your microwave.

*Your computer's desktop is neat and clean... Your computer desk on the other hand, is not.

*Whenever you replace old computer parts, you console them and tell them you'll find them a good home.

*When you get spyware, you hunt down the corporation, or person responsible and set fire to their building or home.

*You can trick hackers into hacking themselves.

*Your old computer parts could fill up the bed of a pickup truck.

*You go threw keyboards like a movie critic goes threw pop corn.

*You know your IP address off the top of your head.

*Whenever you turn on your computer, the lights in your house flicker.

*You have a generator hooked up to your computer so you don't have to worry about sudden power outages.

*Your computer case has a fridge intergrated into the side.
(Its not only a cooling system! But it also stores drinks!)

*You write a "You know your a geek when" list.

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day,
when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him,
he whispered, eyes full of tears, "I've just realized something. You
have been with me all through the bad times;

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business
failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know
what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill
with warmth.





He replied, "I think you're bad luck, get the %*#$^ away from me !!!."

[40sondacurb]

A vampire walks into a bar and asks for some hot water
--
The bartender is a a little confused be he's too scared to say anything so he gives the vampire his hot water
--
Then another vampire walks in and he asks for hot water too
--
again the guy's thinking to himself, "why do these vampires want hot water?", but again he's too scared to ask so he just gives it to him, and says to himself good ridence
--
Then another vampire walks in, and again intead of wanting blood or his daughter or any thing like that, the vampire just wants some hot water
--
So the bartender has had enough, he has to know why they all want hot water; so he gets up the nerve asks him, "Why do you vampires keep coming in here and asking for hot water?"
--
The vampire pulls a tampon out his pocket and says "vvvwere making tea".

[radarlove]

Two electrons are walking down the street. One turns to the other and says, "I think I lost an electron back there." The other says, "Are you sure?" He says,"Yeah, I'm positive!"

[radarlove]

Originally Posted by radarlove

Two atoms are walking down the street. One turns to the other and says, "I think I lost an electron back there." The other says, "Are you sure?" He says,"Yeah, I'm positive!"

Man I suck at telling jokes!

[uripyores]

You've probably all seen this one before but in case you haven't ;

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password ... something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in ......


P ....

E ....

N ....

I ...

S ....




His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

**** PASSWORD REJECTED, NOT LONG ENOUGH ****

[Spatcher]

Lol!!!!!!!!!!

[Spatcher]

How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

---None, that''s a hardware problem.

Top 10 Reasons to Know You're a Redneck

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.

[Chevy]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to fill their days.

I went to the Wal Mart the other day.

I was only there for about 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a Senior Citizen a break?"

I told him I was a retired Police Officer. He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

I called him a nasty piece of dog s--t.

He finished the second ticket with a flourish and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 10 minutes.

The more I verbally abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't really care.


My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

It's important at my age!

[elf]

It appears I'm a big nerd...I fill like 3/4ths of those in that list above.

(that was a good one chevy! )

I just sliced open my finger with my fingernail...OW

[sandman55]

Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?.. and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.. I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen.
You can choose on your own..."

Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen." Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow.. then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"

"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"

"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you've sh** all over the bed!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING: This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens is that when you stop for a red-light a young, nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield.
While she is doing this another person opens your back door and steals anything of value in the car.
They are very good at this. They got me 7 times Monday and 5 times more on Wednesday.

I wasn't able to find them today
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Old Ladies


Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the
end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand
she prefers.

"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Firefighter

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl
next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's *********.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

[sandman55]

Tight skirt

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and
it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to
allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough
slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So,
a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her
skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once
again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile
to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again
was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with
you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was
friends.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Old Lady
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my
favourite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon. I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Letter Home
This letter from a new army recruit to Mum and Dad back home in
Eromanga, a small town west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland.

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and
Phil that the
Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in
bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't
hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all you
gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform.
No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo
steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until
noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on
a route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I
keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a
bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya
like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize
cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and
hit the target - it's a piece of ****!! You don't even load your own
cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself
against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be
real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil
and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home
after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like
I'm in the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke
from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15
stone and three pickhandles across the shoulders and as ya know
I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick
before word gets around how bloody good it is.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Your loving daughter,
Jill xxx

[Krycek]

Ha Ha Ha ^^^^^^^^^^^ Thats Awesome

[uripyores]

Not really a joke but its a laff.......Have a nice day small video clip. :D

[whodat]

Why is HONEY golden in color?


A) Because of the Sun the flowers receive?
B) Because Flower Pollen is naturally Golden?
C) Because it's manufactured that way?
D) I don't know.

The answer may be found below.

[Speedo]

The Five Secrets of a Perfect Relationship

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks and cleans from time to time, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

[mgoldb2]

A list of redneck computer terms

Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.

Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.

Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.

Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.

Cache - Needed when you go to da store.

Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.

Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.

Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.

Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.

Diskette - A female Disco dancer.

Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.

Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.

Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.

Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.

Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.

Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.

Rom - Where the pope lives.

Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.

Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.

[Emporer_D]

I think DD told me this one.


Bill gates is surfing porn on his laptop.
His secretary walks on and gasps.

Bill:NO! Its not what it looks like!
secretary:Were you-
Bill:NO!
secretary:-Using a mac?

[2ply]

So a train station is where thr trains stop, a bus station is where the buse stop, right?

Well, on my desk I have a workstation...