Joke Thread

[nappymonster]

Windaz Too thousand

A little like Jason's joke - a parody of windows 2000, such as "Cularin book" instead of paint etc

Hope you like it,

Nappymonster

[JohnthePilot]

That should be right up Carsey's street.

[jen56]

keep em coming

[blackduck30]

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going
to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't
exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don't have wonderful parents like you do."

15. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

16. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

17. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck
that way"

18. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

19. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

20. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

21. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

22. My Favorite: My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

23. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[JohnthePilot]

Sounds like my mother.

[sandman55]

Thats another good one

[TheMatt]

Originally Posted by JohnthePilot

Sounds like my mother.

Same here.

[JohnthePilot]

Originally Posted by TheMatt

Same here.

Yes, but she kept saying it when I was in my 40s.

[TheMatt]

Originally Posted by JohnthePilot

Yes, but she kept saying it when I was in my 40s.

[Go The Power]

, very funny

[TheMatt]

Fake long security alert:

[sandman55]

Nymphomaniacs Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the
plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have
it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or
pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs
of America Convention in Boston ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting
next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business
role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my
personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are
the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian
who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it
is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the
Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even
know your name."



"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[sandman55]

John Howard goes to a primary school, the kids are learning words.
Ol' Mr Howard goes, "OK kids, can you tell me what a tragedy is?"

Little Johnny says "If my friend Eric was playing on the road and got run over."
Big Johnny says "No son, that would be an accident. Anyone else?"

Susan pipes up and says "Like when the crocodile hunter died."
Mr Howard says, "No Susan, that was a great loss."

Brave Billy puts up his hand and says "If you and Mrs Howard were in your plane and you got killed by friendly fire."

Johnny is stoked. "Yes! And can you tell me why that is a tragedy?"

Billy replies, "Well it wouldn't be a great loss and it sure as hell wouldn't be an accident."

[Go The Power]

lol,

[JohnthePilot]

A computer geek is crossing the road when he sees a frog, which opens its mouth and starts talking.

"If you kiss me," the frog says, "I'll turn into a beautiful princess, stay with you for a week and do anything you want."

The guy smiles and puts the frog in his pocket.

"Did you hear me?" asks the frog. "A beautiful princess? For a week?"

"Look," says the nerd, "I haven't got time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog -- now, that's cool."

[sandman55]

[TheMatt]

Nice guys. I think my fake security alert is not working anymore.

[JohnthePilot]

Originally Posted by TheMatt

Nice guys. I think my fake security alert is not working anymore.

'Fraid not and I wanted to see what it was.

[dm01]

Right-click on the red-x box and select Properties. Copy the Address into your web browser.

[JohnthePilot]

Originally Posted by dm01

Right-click on the red-x box and select Properties. Copy the Address into your web browser.

Thanks.