Joke Thread

[TheMatt]

Nice!

[sandman55]

The Priest and the Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement
of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one
of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes,
on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father,
is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the
flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with
my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

The Older Woman
I met an older woman at a club last night.

She was OK for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a song & she
asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mom you still awake?"

[Go The Power]

lol,

[TheMatt]

Nice
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[jen56]

The local South Australian State Government offiice job



A guy goes to the local South Australian State Government offiice to apply for a job.


The interviewer asks him, " Have you been in the service?"


Yes," he says. "I was in the armed forces for three years"

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward

employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes, 100%. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my

********* off."

The interviewer tells the guy, " O.K. I can hire you right now. The

hours are from 8:00 A M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in

at 10:00A.M. "

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00

P.M., then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M. ?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says.

"For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls.

No point in you coming in for that."

[Drew1369]

oldy but goodie

[Go The Power]

very funny Jen

[ebackhus]

Jen, that joke applies to any gov't! Well played!

[sandman55]

Another good one

[TheMatt]

Ha ha ha nice!

[carsey]

Great Joke....Loved it.

[Drew1369]

[Go The Power]

, very funny!

[sandman55]

[JohnthePilot]

LOL. Very true.

[carsey]

That has to be true. But also look nice, thats critical IMHO

[yustr]

Originally Posted by carsey

But also look nice, thats critical IMHO

That's what the beer is for...

[JohnthePilot]

Originally Posted by yustr

That's what the beer is for...

[Go The Power]

Originally Posted by JohnthePilot

Lol,

[95five-0]

Words of Wisdom from Dilbert

1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6. I DON'T HAVE AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM, YOU HAVE A PERCEPTION PROBLEM.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, "where the heck is the ceiling?"
8. My reality cheque bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14. Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.
15. A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.
16. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
23. Following the rules will not get the job done.
24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
25. Only the mediocre are at their best all the time.
26. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
27. Bring ideas in and entertain them royally, for one of them may be the king.
28. If at first you don't succeed......skydiving isn't for you.
29. Life is a waste of time; time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
30. When everything is coming your way......you're in the wrong lane.