Joke Thread

[carsey]

Hahaha.....Love it.

[JohnthePilot]

@karusho. I heard that one years ago and have been trying to find it but with no success. Glad you did, cos I think it's funny. However, as you are also posting here as well as me does that mean no-one is doing anything?

[Go The Power]

lol, very good

[jen56]

Originally Posted by karusho

Why I'm so tired


Now it all makes sense!

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

Threre are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the civilian work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And your're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

HAHA so this is what's happening to me, sleep deprivation

[karusho]

You all should realize I don't have a job. I don't work. I absorb useless facts for about 8 hours a day and forget 90% of it by the time I get home for around 180 days a year.


Here's another joke.



Russian Roulette


You've all heard of the Darwin Awards, right? An annual award given
(posthumously) to the individual who did the gene pool the greatest
benefit by offing himself in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Well,
my nominees this year are the Richardson boys of Minnesota.

In April, Derrick L. Richardson, 28, was charged by the Minneapolis
police with third degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Ken
E. Richardson. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian
roulette. However, his choice of a weapon was a semi-auto pistol,
rather than a revolver....

[Go The Power]

However, his choice of a weapon was a semi-auto pistol,
rather than a revolver....

Black humour I guess.

[jen56]

There is not one dirty word in this.

MAKING BABIES


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, thinking he was the surrogate father, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted

[Go The Power]

That one is great!!

[sandman55]

Thanks Karusho and jen56

[Joefireline]

Roflmao! That is hilarious!

[TheMatt]

Omg wow, that was hilarious!!!

[Emporer_D]

Halarious

[karusho]

The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied:

"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. He appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work uut the height of the skyscraper.

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqrroot (l/g).

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.

But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

The student was Nils Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.

[ebackhus]

Freaking BRILLIANT.

[TheMatt]

Ha ha ha nice!

[Go The Power]

Ha Ha Ha very funny

[sandman55]

I give you an A+ for that one and you pass with distinction

[Zazula]

Thanks, guys; you've got me bursting with laughter uncontrollably... Bless you!

[JohnthePilot]

Full marks for that one karusho.

[sandman55]

A very rich man died and his friends and family gathered to hear a lawyer read out his will.

"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in hard times as well as good, I leave the house and two million dollars.

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the business and one million dollars."

The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will – well, you are wrong. Hi, Dan."