Joke Thread

[Flatliner]

(any names that match are purely coincidental)

An officer has a warrant to arrest a known car thief. When he knocks on the door, a woman answers the door.

cop: "hi, i'm officer Jones, and i'm looking for a John Smith. Does he live here?"

woman: "yes, he does"

cop: "can i speak to him?"

woman: "well he just stepped out"

cop: "any idea how long he's going to be gone?"

woman: "no idea, he just left and said that he was going to drive to his friend's house"

cop: "oh, ok. what kind of car was he driving?"

woman: "a black and white crown victoria"
************************************************
an oxymoron:

Microsoft Works

[yustr]

A drunk is sitting at the bar. He turns to the guy next to him and asks “Do you want to here a dumb blond joke?”

The guy says “Hey buddy, I’m a professional kick boxer and a natural blond. My other buddy is a professional arm wrestler and is a blond. Our other friend is a world class power lifter. And he’s a natural blond too. So, do you still want to tell that joke?”

The drunk thinks for a minute and says “Not if I have to explain it three times.”
____________________________________________________________

For our Aussie friends:

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?




A stick!

[elf]

A byte walks into a bar and orders a pint.

The bartender asks "What's wrong?"

The byte replies "Oh, just a parity error"

"I thought you looked a bit off" the bartender retorted


*******************************************


There are only 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary, and those who don't.

(if you don't get the joke then you clearly don't understand binary )

[bry623]

Where do you get virgin wool?

Ugly Sheep.

[NoReason]

> Memo
>
> To: All Employees
>
> From: Human Resources
>
> Date: 7/19/2004
>
> Re: Important Message from Human Resources
>
> Dear Staff,
>
> Please be advised that there are new rules and regulations implemented
to raise the efficiency of our company.
>
> ATTIRE:
>
> It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Adidas sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If
you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that
you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you don't need a raise. If you
dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you
do not need a raise.
>
> PERSONAL DAYS:
>
> Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.
>
> LUNCH BREAK:
>
> Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so
that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch
to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Overweight
people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that is all the time needed to
drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
>
> SICK DAYS:
>
> We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
>
> RESTROOM USE:
>
> Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a
strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,
an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door
will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your
picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
Offenders" category.
>
> SURGERY:
>
> As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You
should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have
something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
>
> Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and
input should be directed to the Unemployment Offices.
>
> Have a nice day.
>
> Human Resources.




_______________________________________________
not really a joke but here it is anyway...
_______________________________________________

This is neat! The mind is an amazing thing!

I cdnuolt blveiee taht

I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. THE

PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID.

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,

it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are,

the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer

be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and

you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm Tihs is bcuseae the

huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig, huh??

[Killvo]

Earth today

[DumberDrummer]

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

[MaxPayne]

Hi,

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."




TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your maths sums on
the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!




SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.



TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by
biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.




TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet."




Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is
grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull are grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first


;)

[LoneWolf071]

The New Windows 64-Bit is out, Now solitare and shutting down can be done twice as fast. It's like taking a sports car that can go at 70 and bumping it up to 140, so it can now crash at a faster speed also...

[ProjTech]

[Terrister]

This was going around the office ethe other day.

<http://www.softlab.ece.ntua.gr/~sivann/pub/swf/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf>

[yustr]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[Spatcher]

go here for hilarious ones

http://home.att.net/~phantom-guy/ilo_boudreaux.htm

here's one:

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were driving on the highway, on their way to go bear hunting. They come upon this fork in the road, where there was a sign that said " BEAR LEFT". They turned around and went home.

[mgoldb2]

for this post am going to make fun of my self. Everything below applies directly to me. I only put ones here that is true about me.

You might be a geek

3. If you wear the T-shirt of the band you are seeing in concert, you might be a geek.

4. If you need to pause your video game to watch "The Simpsons," you might be a geek.

5. If any dialogue from a Monty Python movie enters your daily speak, you might be a geek

WE ARE KNIGHTS OF NI NI NI NI

6. If you actually get in a heated debate over which movie was better, The Empire Strikes Back or Return of the Jedi, you might be a geek.

EMPIRE STRICKES BACK ALL THE WAY

7. If you have ever said "Snoochie-Boochie," you might be a geek.

SNOOCHIE-BOOCHIE I LOVE KEVEN SMITH MOVIES he a comic genius


10. If you head bang or play air guitar to any song with a cool guitar lick, you might be a geek

METALLICA *headsbangs*

A teacher ever wrote, "I don't fully understand it, but it looks like an 'A'" on your paper.

My highschool computer teacher wrote that to me. she was a idiot

You can type seventy words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.

You know what "http" stands for.

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

1. If your computer costs more than your car.

no car and over $3000 worth of computer parts

2. You only have $50 and have a choice between the next hot game or food, so you pick the game and proceed to starve.

blah you can go days with out eating if need be.

8. You think Windows is a Virus. A very NASTY virus.

especially windows ME

9. You think a modem is cruel and unusual punishment, a T3 is slightly better, an OC12 is nice and an OC192 is better than sex!

15. You think that Tech support is a fly strip for stupid people

18. Beer and Caffeine are your best friends.

mmmm redbull and beer

23. Your computer needs so many fans that it sounds like a jet prepping for takeoff.

10 fans on my computer

26. You avoid daylight at all costs and prefer darkness.
27. You live on junkfood, caffeine, and Anime

29. When someone asks you the last time you rebooted you reply "Reboot? What's that?" Or you can only remember which year it was

um I think I rebooted sometime last year

30. You think writing code is easier to understand than your own neighbor.

coding easy moron are not

43. If you have more than one messaging program open at a time.
44. If you have ever messaged someone in the same room.

44. If you can name every part in your system, including brand names of fans and power supplies.

well I got a athlon 64 fx-55 with a clawhammer core..............

47. You know all your friends by their internet Nic rather than their real name.

55. You'd consider an hour woefully inadequate to fully debate the merits of competing operating systems

I save my OS rant for anouther time

68. Your post average per day online exceeds your age.

well am only 22 I mean with 5 message boards to go to 22 posts not that much

75. You spend more than half your paycheck on computer related items.

I would if i had a paycheck

78. It's 4 a.m., you haven't slept in more than 24 hours, you have a major project you have yet to finish due the next day, and you're posting

I really should start working on the programming assignment that due monday

79. Come Monday morning at work, you're quoting the latest synthetic benchmark instead of football scores to your coworkers.

80. You spend at least four times more money on computer related items than you do on food, clothing, home, auto, or other items.


82. You could speak for more than 30 seconds about why a PC is better than a Mac.

ANouther rant I save for anouther time and I could go on for 30min

82. You spend more than 16 hours a day on your computer

not ever days but some days

83. 85. You are swarmed by the computer inept with gaggles of questions the moment one shred of your geekdom appears

84. 87. You take tech support calls from friends and family at all hours of the day and night at your home.

They all got my cell phone in case they have a computer question

88. Everyone you run into wants to know what you recommend for their next computer or component purchase AFTER they've bought it, and then wonder why you didn't warn them.

DUAL CORE thats the future

91. You still dream of owning a Light Saber.

come on who dont think having a real light saber would not be totally awsome

94. You watch lots of Porn and think it's the greatest gift to the world.

*drools*

97. You believe that sleep is optional, fragging is not.

no time for sleep when there things to kill

98. You think that dragons would make cool pets.

well who would mess with a man that have a dragon for a pet

99. 102. You are fluent in at least 2 OSes and 3 programming languages.

lynix, unix, windows all versions, c++, visual basic, java, php, html

122. You would rather get more dots per inch/frames per second than miles per gallon.

I did not spend a fouturn on this computer to get anything less then 60FPS on max everything

124. You can freely debate the merits of PPP verses HDLC in your Cisco router configuration.

A entire year of cisco behind my belt

I proberly can find a lot more but am tired of copying and pasting.

[Spatcher]

here's a good 1:

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were walking through the woods the other day, when a flying saucer landed near them. A door opened, and two little green aliens climbed down out of the spacecraft.
Thibodeaux turned to Boudreaux, "Mais, look at dat. What you tink dat is?"
Boudreaux, aiming his shotgun at the little space critters, replied, "Thibodeaux, I don' know, but you hurry back to de camp, put on de rice pot, and start makin' a roux!


You know you're a geek when you are on a computer forum, a sci-fi forum, and post while in safe mode trying to kill a virus.
You know you're a geek when you eat while posting.

[blackduck30]

...walks into a bar

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.


A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."


A dyslexic man walks into a rab.


A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."


Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."


Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.


Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."


Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad... or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

[Chevy]

Right! No I must object to the absolute silly turn this thread has taken. You have managed to turn a nice, funny little thread into an absolute pun-fest.

Now, move along, and back to the technical support.

Come now, move along! Yes, you! Move along, I say.

Bloody technos, always trying to find a way around authority, they are!

[elf]

hehe I liked blackducks

two guys walk into a bar...it hurt.

[ReeKorl]

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says: "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.


There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did


Just remember: If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.


It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living


Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.


Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.


One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Three?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"Oh no," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"Well it....no, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair with his wife.


The only thing more dangerous than a hardware tech with a code patch is a software tech with a soldering iron.


A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

[Spatcher]

North and South
-If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:

The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses.



The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.


The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.


The North has double last names, The South has double first names.


The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.


The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.


The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.


The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads.


The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt.


In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER:

If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.