Joke Thread

[JohnthePilot]

As Zazula pointed out in the thread where this first appeared, this is not a joke, it's the truth. LOL

[stompiegsi]

thats for sure, i posted it here, because of of the viewe's askd why it has not been posted in the joke forum, so i did as he wished, and i hope it provides for laughter and happines to all you guys

[dm01]

I like.

[carsey]

Great one stompiegsi

[jen56]

Brilliant love it stompiegsi

[Blitze105]

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at
the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who
roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift
envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The
folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At
the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a
revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door
(which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where
she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he
had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast:
eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange
juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As
she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's
bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's
the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked
him what to give you. He said, 'SCREW him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was
my idea."
==========
Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

-------
My Joke:
I just read in this thread that a lot of people want to try Vista.
-------
(There was an actual news article saying how MS was expecting sooo many more people to buy it.. guess ppl are learning).

Also.. Linux isn't advertised... and it's good. If you haven't noticed most americans (large market in the world) don't buy working things. We buy promises and MS is full of them. Mac.. sucks... all that is left is Windows really.

[Joefireline]

Haha! That first joke there is awesome! Though, I think I heard something similar before...

[stompiegsi]

hahahahahaha good one, about the breakfats and dollar

[stompiegsi]

glad you enjoyed it , i look forward to posting more funnys i recieve

[carsey]

That postman joke was awesome. Loved it. Though, if she was beautiful, i dont know how he had had enough.

[stompiegsi]

> Elephant Man
>
> A man went into a urologist and told him he was having a problem. He was
> unable to get his ***** erect.
> The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the
> base of his ***** were damaged from a previous viral infection and that
> there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an
> experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the
> risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an
> elephant's trunk into his *****. The man thought about it a while. The
> thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was
> just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would
> be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
>
> A few weeks after the operation he was given the green light to go and
> try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result he planned a romantic
> evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest
> restaurants in town.
>
> In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that
> continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the
> pressure he unzipped his fly and his ***** sprang out, slid across the
> top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his
> trousers.
>
> His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her
> face said, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
>
> With tears in his eyes he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure if
> another bread roll will fit up my ****!"

[Drew1369]

ewwwww

[carsey]

Thats great 10/10

[dm01]

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman are walking along the beach one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Irishman says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teeming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scotsman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scotsman says, "Ach, jus' fill 'er up with water."

[Joefireline]

hah, nice one.

[JohnthePilot]

Glas will love that, but why no welshman?

[Joefireline]

Originally Posted by JohnthePilot

Glas will love that, but why no welshman?

He was too... busy with the sheep.

[Zazula]

- Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa : wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious, fertile deltas.

- Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America : well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money.

- Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India : sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty.

- Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France : deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit.

- Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Yugoslavia : a lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work is the only answer.

- Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Russia : vast, with undefined frontier. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors.

- Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia : a glorious past, great conquests, but without a future.

- After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan : many know its whereabouts, but no-one dares to venture there…


(Male Geography 101 also available... )

[Emporer_D]

Top 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek

10. Noisy doors.
You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding doors. They're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every time a person walked through them, about once a month some guy in accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to master WD-40


9. The Federation.
This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that runs everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you're rocketing around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a Federation dump truck feels about it?


And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here's an important fact: Most people, you don't want to see them in spandex. You'd pay good money to not have to see them. If money hadn't been abolished, that is. So you're screwed.


8. Reversing the Polarity.
For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of everything! It might work once in a while, but usually it just screws things up. I have it on good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta go through the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What happened to the toilet in Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity."


Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just spontaneously explode whenever they put the juice to it.


7. Seatbelts.
Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the first time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the captain's head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone would say, "You know, we might think of inventing some furutistic restraining device to prevent that from happening." So of course, they did make something like that for the second Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but what was it? A hard plastic thing that's locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners. "Hey look! The leg-bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!"


6. No fuses.
Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop at an intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge personnel. If you're going to put me in front of a fuseless exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sit down.

5. Rule by committee.
Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on TV last year:

Star Trek:

Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."
Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something."
Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior chubby."
Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first."
Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look
pensive."


Firefly:

Captain: "Let's shoot them."
Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."
Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"


4. A Star Trek quiz:
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn't coming back?


3. Technobabble.
The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the problem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift in the space-time continuum, which created a quantum tunnelling effect that charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for free.


2. The Holodeck.
I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.


1. The Prime Directive.
How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36 Space Modulator? Well, in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a room filled with Roseanne lookalikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors going WHEET! all day. It would be hell. At least until the Kaboom. The Earth-shattering Kaboom.

[karusho]

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K is

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E is

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E is

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

*********** is

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far *** kissing will take you.

***K-I-S-S-I-N-G is

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the ******** and *** kissing that will put you over the top.