Joke Thread

[carsey]

can one of them be mine please

[JohnthePilot]

You'd only go and spend it on frivolous things. Like George Best said, he spent 90% of his money on booze and women. The rest he just wasted.

[carsey]

Isnt that what you are meant to do with money??

[Drew1369]

Originally Posted by Glaswegian

Superb!

I always thought the American Democracy one was this:

You have two cows. You sell your three cows to a subsidiary with full milk rights for 10 years. You later lease the four cows and open a hedge fund into which your five cows are placed. After the lease expires, you reclaim your six cows and export them to another country. The seven cows are then sold and your company declares $15 million profit on the deal. The remaining $35 billion is spread around 374 different bank accounts throughout the world.

I just did that yesterday

[karusho]

Instead of copying the entire text over and have it look like a mess, I will post the link to the joke instead.

http://www.tallrite.com/LightRelief/worldsbestjokes.htm

[jen56]

This was sent to me via email.........
Titled...The Best I've seen for ages........

A black guy and his wife are invited to a fancy dress party. He tells his wife to go and look for a costume to wear. That night when he gets home from work he finds a SUPERMAN costume on the bed.
Shouting to his wife he says "What the <TWIBAT> is this? When have you EVER seen a black superman. The wife is upset and goes back to the shop to exchange it. When the husbands arrives home, on the bed he sees a BATMAN costume and he shouts: You are <TWIBAT> mad woman, when have you ever seen a black batman. Go and exchange it for something better.
The wife is now very annoyed, she returns the costume and buys a variety of things, on the bed she places 3 white buttons,a white belt, and a wooden pole.
When the husband came home from work the next night, and finds the objects on the bed, he shouts 'What the <TWIBAT> is all this?.
The wife responds: It's so you can choose your own costume. If you take off your clothes and stick the buttons to your body you can go as a DOMINO, or if you don't like that you can wear the white belt and go as an OREO BISCUIT, or if your still not happy with that you can stick the pole up your <TWIBAT> <TWIBAT> and go as a MAGNUM.

[K-B]

* SOCIALISM - You have two cows. The government nationalizes both cows but still allows you to sell milk.


* COMMUNISM - You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you spoiled milk.


* FASCISM - You have two cows. The government takes one away and presses it into military service.


* NAZISM - You have two cows. The government takes one away and shoots it for having a large nose and dark spots.


* TRIBALISM - You have two cows. Your neighbors take both cows and shoot you.


* REDISTRIBUTIONISM - You have two cows. Everyone should have the same amount of cow. The government takes both cows, cuts them up, and spends more than the cows are worth giving everyone a little piece of cow.


* WELFAREISM (REDISTRIBUTIONISM REVISITED) - You have two cows. The government takes one to give to someone else who doesn't know how to milk it.


* BUREAUCRACY - You have two cows. The government takes both, loses one while moving it to a farm in Puerto Rico and forgets to milk the other.


* LIBERTARIANISM - You have two cows. You let them do what they want.


* CAPITALISM - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.


* REAGANOMICS - You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull. You take out a huge loan on the cow, and ignore both the cow and the loan from that point on. Then, you try to milk the bull and blame the Japanese for its lack of production.

[carsey]

Lol, 2 great jokes

[karusho]

After sending my previous joke about cows and governments to several people over email, one of my friends responded with the following.

CHINA-ISM-You have two cows. You are put on death row for having more than one.

[Zazula]

Well, many really great jokes have been posted (I'm still crying in laughter) - kudos, fellas.

[TheMatt]

Great jokes everyone!

[karusho]

50 things women can’t do

1. know anything about a car except its colour

2. understand a film plot

3. go 24 hours without sending a text message

4. lift

5. throw

6. run

7. park

8. fart

9. read a map

10. rob a bank

11. resist Ikea

12. sit still

13. tell a joke

14. play pool

15. pay for dinner

16. eat a kebab whilst walking

17. pee out of a train window

18. argue without shouting

19. get told off without crying

20. understand fruit machines

21. walk past a shoe shop

22. make a decent bacon sandwich

23. not comment on a strangers clothes

24. use small amounts of toilet paper

25. let you sleep with a hangover

26. drink a pint gracefully

27. get a round in

28. throw a punch

29. do magic

30. like your friends

31. enjoy porn

32. eat a really hot curry

33. get to the point

34. buy plain envelopes

35. take less than 20 minutes in the toilet

36. sit in a room for five minutes without saying “I’m cold”

37. go shopping without telephoning 20 mates

38. avoid credit card debt

39. dive into a pool

40. assemble furniture

41. roll a bogey between finger and thumb

42. set a video recorder

43. not try and change you

44. watch a war film

45. understand why flirting results in violence

46. spend a day by themselves

47. go to the toilet by themselves

48. buy a purse that fits in their pocket

49. choose a video quickly

50. read this list without having argued with at least 1 point

[Joefireline]

Haha, karusho, a lot of that is true! Though somethings are good things... But the other 95% is so true!

[JohnthePilot]

LOL. Where do you get them from karusho?

[karusho]

I literally stumbled across them through StumbleUpon.

[Drew1369]

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[Joefireline]

Originally Posted by Drew1369

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

and now he has gone and lost his deal!

[karusho]

Actually, Stumpy said that after the plane landed, which meant he kept his ten dollars.

[dm01]

The MGS gave this to everyone before we started training.
Don't ask me why a member of the Air Force Reserve needs artillery training, the explanation is not pretty.

----------------

Five things I don't want to hear on my artillery range:

1. Oops.
2. I wonder if this explodes. [If it does, it's probably expensive.]
3. I wonder how far this gun goes if I unbolt the carriage. [It'll run over the powder monkey, and you'll be down a soldier.]
4. I wonder how large a crater this will make. [You get to fill it in afterwards.]
5. If I put the powder from two shells together into one shell, what will happen? [A: If the explosion doesn't kill you, I most certainly will.]

----------------

[stompiegsi]

program called: WIFE/ GIRLFRIEND
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend version 7.0 to Wife version 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User.
___________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM..

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual underWarnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs . Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software called Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support