Joke Thread

[ebackhus]

Originally Posted by JohnthePilot

And what's wrong with RD. I read it for the lulz

By having done it for the lulz, you are officially absolved of any and all lulz-related sins.

[JohnthePilot]

Originally Posted by ebackhus

By having done it for the lulz, you are officially absolved of any and all lulz-related sins.

[yustr]

Girl: When we get married, I want to heal all of your wounds, take away your heartache, and help you understand your delusions, in short, cure all your troubles.

Boy: But I don't have any wounds, heartache, delusions or troubles.

Girl: That’s because we’re not married yet.

[TheMatt]

Originally Posted by yustr

Girl: When we get married, I want to heal all of your wounds, take away your heartache, and help you understand your delusions, in short, cure all your troubles.

Boy: But I don't have any wounds, heartache, delusions or troubles.

Girl: That’s because we’re not married yet.

Awesome.

[Glaswegian]

yustr - that's not a joke - it's true!!

[Glaswegian]

Dear Friends:

I have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to
raise $5,000,000 for a monument to George W. Bush.

We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we
discovered there was not enough room for two more faces. We then
decided to erect a statue of George W. in the Washington, DC, Hall
Of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be
placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George
Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Richard Nixon, who
never told the truth, since George could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus,
the greatest Republican of them all. He left not knowing where he
was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He
returned not knowing where he had been, decimated the well being of
the majority of the population while he was there, and did it all
on someone else's money.

Thank you,

George W. Bush Monument Committee

PS: We have raised $1.35 so far

[Drew1369]

HAHAHA, Glas that was funny!!!

[Clark76]

A pirate walks in to a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of the front of his pants. He walks up to the bartender and says,"Arrrgh, get me a beer!"

The bartender looks at the steering wheel sticking out of the pirate's pants and says,"Sir, I will buy you that beer if you tell me why you have that steering wheel in your pants."

The pirate replies,"Arrrgh, it drives me nuts."

[JohnthePilot]

I think it's very unkind to poor old George.

[TheMatt]

Funny!

[Drew1369]

A guy walks into a bar


"ouch!" he said

[ebackhus]

Iain hath made me lol.

[JohnthePilot]

True Story.

Douglas Bader, of Battle of Britain fame, was addressing the pupils of a famous english girls public school, and was relating the story of how he was shot down over the English Channel. He said there were two f****rs on his left, two f****rs on his right, a f****r on his tail and three f****rs attacking from overhead. At this point the headmistress jumped up and said "girls, I should point out that there is a german fighter called a Fokker". "I don't know about that" said Douglas Bader, but these f****rs were flying Messerschmitts.

[Glaswegian]

lmoa!! - good one John.

[karusho]

I'd rather be flying a Luftwaffe, but Messerschmitts are good too.

That is an awesome joke.

[Drew1369]

Santa is NOT a dude:

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men......... - Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. - Cupid flies around carrying weapons. - Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!

[ebackhus]

Saint Nicole, AMIRITE? Excellent find you have there, Drew!

[Drew1369]

Hahahaha

[Glaswegian]

One Sunday morning, everyone in a bright, beautiful, tiny town got up
early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews
and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan
appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and
running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort
to get away from evil incarnate.


Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious
to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this
confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said,

"Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid
of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

[carsey]

Great one. Very funny indeed.