Joke Thread - Page 31

**K-B** · 03-08-2007, 06:37 PM

now, now Glas. You know better...

I'm beginning to come to the conclusion that you may be a mutant..

JohnthePilot · 03-08-2007, 06:43 PM

I'm beginning to think he doesn't really exist.

**Glaswegian** · 03-09-2007, 06:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JohnthePilot

I'm beginning to think he doesn't really exist.

I'm starting to think that as well...

JohnthePilot · 03-10-2007, 03:45 PM

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist.He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. "Immediately, the husband drove to town to confront the phamacist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the phamacist interrupted him. "Now, just a minute," he said "listen to my side of the story. This morning my alarm clock failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside.

"I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. When I was about three streets from the store, I got a flat tyre. When I finally got here, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started serving people and, all the time, the damn phone was ringing." He continued, "Then I had to open a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to get some change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins. The damn phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with of perfume bottles. . . . all of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the damn phone was still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. . . . and believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

**TheMatt** · 03-12-2007, 01:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JohnthePilot

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist.He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. "Immediately, the husband drove to town to confront the phamacist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the phamacist interrupted him. "Now, just a minute," he said "listen to my side of the story. This morning my alarm clock failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside.

"I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. When I was about three streets from the store, I got a flat tyre. When I finally got here, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started serving people and, all the time, the damn phone was ringing." He continued, "Then I had to open a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to get some change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins. The damn phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with of perfume bottles. . . . all of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the damn phone was still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. . . . and believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

Nice.

He should have used TWIBAT instead of the swear word he probably used.

**karusho** · 03-12-2007, 06:38 PM

Would she have understood what he meant?

JohnthePilot · 03-13-2007, 03:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by karusho

Would she have understood what he meant?

If he'd missed the IB out she might have

**Drew1369** · 03-14-2007, 04:18 PM

My wife came home last night and told me to take off her blouse...

Then she told me to take off her skirt...

Then she told me to never wear her clothes again

**TheMatt** · 03-15-2007, 08:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Drew1369

My wife came home last night and told me to take off her blouse...

Then she told me to take off her skirt...

Then she told me to never wear her clothes again

???

JohnthePilot · 03-16-2007, 04:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheMatt

???

Well I thought it was funny Drew. First time I heard it, it was Lady Penelope talking to Parker (Thunderbirds for those too young to remember).

**K-B** · 03-16-2007, 06:10 AM

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowthrower?

Give HER a shovel
-------------
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him
in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says:

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able
to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ..." He sighed.

"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back into the box."

**scathe30** · 03-16-2007, 07:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by K-B

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowthrower?

Give HER a shovel

:) It's funny...

JohnthePilot · 03-16-2007, 10:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scathe30

:) It's funny...

It's sexist. Still funny though

**speedster123** · 03-16-2007, 10:48 AM

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO..........

Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona
Yes, But It's A Dry Heat.
Arkansas
Literacy Ain't Everythang.
California
By 30, Our Women Have More
Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut
Like Massachusetts , only smaller.
Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
And Our Voting Skills.
Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money)
Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky
Five Million People;
Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!
Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota
10,000 Lakes... And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes
Mississippi
Come visit And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections!
Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada
Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right To An Attorney...
And No Right To Self Defense!
North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal, Go Steelers
Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee
Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum
Texas
Se Hable Ingles
Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont
Too liberal for the Kennedys
Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington
Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!
West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin
Come Cut the Cheese!
Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared
Home of Brokeback Mtn.

JohnthePilot · 03-16-2007, 11:44 AM

"How to lose friends and....." Very clever

**TheMatt** · 03-16-2007, 03:36 PM

Quote:

Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!

ebackhus · 03-16-2007, 03:45 PM

No hablamos ingles, hablamos Espanol solamente.

JohnthePilot · 03-16-2007, 03:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ebackhus

No hablamos ingles, hablamos Espanol solamente.

¿Cuál pais es eso?

**TheMatt** · 03-16-2007, 04:00 PM

Necesitas aprender el ingles para escribir en TSF.

JohnthePilot · 03-16-2007, 04:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheMatt

Necesitas aprender el ingles para escribir en TSF.

pero no reclamar el beneficio

It's nearly St Patrick's Day so I'll switch to Irish then

03-08-2007, 06:37 PM	#601 (permalink)
K-B Moderator, Linux Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: NY Posts: 2,870 OS: Vista, Ubuntu My System	now, now Glas. You know better... I'm beginning to come to the conclusion that you may be a mutant.. __________________ Last edited by K-B; 03-08-2007 at 06:39 PM.

03-08-2007, 06:43 PM	#602 (permalink)
JohnthePilot Manager, TSF Articles Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Cheltenham, near Wales. Posts: 30,768 OS: XP Home SP3, PCLinux, Vista Home Premium SP1 My System Blog Entries: 1	I'm beginning to think he doesn't really exist. __________________ Submit New Articles Here If you feel that TSF has helped you please make a donationand help to keep the forum free Cenedl heb iaith, cenedl heb galon Folding@Home - Team 85015

03-10-2007, 03:45 PM	#604 (permalink)
JohnthePilot Manager, TSF Articles Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Cheltenham, near Wales. Posts: 30,768 OS: XP Home SP3, PCLinux, Vista Home Premium SP1 My System Blog Entries: 1	Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist.He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. "Immediately, the husband drove to town to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the phamacist interrupted him. "Now, just a minute," he said "listen to my side of the story. This morning my alarm clock failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. "I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. When I was about three streets from the store, I got a flat tyre. When I finally got here, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started serving people and, all the time, the damn phone was ringing." He continued, "Then I had to open a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to get some change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins. The damn phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with of perfume bottles. . . . all of them hit the floor and broke." "Meanwhile, the damn phone was still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. . . . and believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her." __________________ Submit New Articles Here If you feel that TSF has helped you please make a donationand help to keep the forum free Cenedl heb iaith, cenedl heb galon Folding@Home - Team 85015 Last edited by JohnthePilot; 03-10-2007 at 03:47 PM.

03-12-2007, 06:38 PM	#606 (permalink)
karusho TSF Enthusiast Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Silicon Valley Posts: 1,217 OS: Windows XP SP2, Windows Vista SP1, Ubuntu 8.04 My System	Re: Joke Thread Would she have understood what he meant?

03-14-2007, 04:18 PM	#608 (permalink)
Drew1369 TSF Enthusiast Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Seattle, WA, USA Posts: 3,359 OS: Win7 Ultimate	Re: Joke Thread My wife came home last night and told me to take off her blouse... Then she told me to take off her skirt... Then she told me to never wear her clothes again __________________ We humans have a primal urge to kill because, thanks to natural selection, all the homo sapiens who didn't have a primal urge to kill, were themselves killed. http://obamaclock.org/

03-16-2007, 06:10 AM	#611 (permalink)
K-B Moderator, Linux Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: NY Posts: 2,870 OS: Vista, Ubuntu My System	Re: Joke Thread How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowthrower? Give HER a shovel ------------- A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says: "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." He sighed. "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back into the box." __________________

03-16-2007, 10:48 AM	#614 (permalink)
speedster123 Mentor Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: United States-New York-Long Island Posts: 5,125 OS: xp pro SP3 My System	state mottos KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO.......... Alabama Hell Yes, We Have Electricity. Alaska 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona Yes, But It's A Dry Heat. Arkansas Literacy Ain't Everythang. California By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda. Colorado If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother. Connecticut Like Massachusetts , only smaller. Delaware We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water. Florida Ask Us About Our Grandkids And Our Voting Skills. Georgia We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism. Hawaii Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money) Idaho More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois Please, Don't Pronounce the "S" Indiana 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa We Do Amazing Things With Corn Kansas First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign. Maine We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster Maryland If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It Massachusetts Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's And Our Senators Are More Corrupt! Michigan First Line Of Defense From The Canadians Minnesota 10,000 Lakes... And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes Mississippi Come visit And Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work Montana Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections! Nebraska Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada Hookers and Poker! New Hampshire Go Away And Leave Us Alone New Jersey You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here! New Mexico Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney... And No Right To Self Defense! North Carolina Tobacco Is A Vegetable North Dakota We Really Are One Of The 50 States! Ohio At Least We're Not Michigan Oklahoma Like The Play, But No Singing Oregon Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania Cook With Coal, Go Steelers Rhode Island We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet South Dakota Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum Texas Se Hable Ingles Utah Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont Too liberal for the Kennedys Virginia Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor! West Virginia One Big Happy Family...Really! Wisconsin Come Cut the Cheese! Wyoming Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared Home of Brokeback Mtn. __________________

03-16-2007, 11:44 AM	#615 (permalink)
JohnthePilot Manager, TSF Articles Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Cheltenham, near Wales. Posts: 30,768 OS: XP Home SP3, PCLinux, Vista Home Premium SP1 My System Blog Entries: 1	Re: Joke Thread "How to lose friends and....." Very clever __________________ Submit New Articles Here If you feel that TSF has helped you please make a donationand help to keep the forum free Cenedl heb iaith, cenedl heb galon Folding@Home - Team 85015

03-16-2007, 03:45 PM	#617 (permalink)
ebackhus Manager, Design Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: SATX Posts: 14,137 OS: WinXP Pro SP3/Windows 7 RTM My System Blog Entries: 28	Re: Joke Thread No hablamos ingles, hablamos Espanol solamente. __________________ ----------------------------- There are no dumb questions, unless a customer is asking them. Help in the fight against cancer and other serious illnesses.

03-16-2007, 04:00 PM	#619 (permalink)
TheMatt TSF Enthusiast Join Date: May 2006 Location: Boston Posts: 13,701 OS: Win 3.1, 98, NT 4.0, XP Debian 4.0, Kubuntu 6.06 My System Blog Entries: 3	Re: Joke Thread Necesitas aprender el ingles para escribir en TSF. __________________ - Matt M - KB1OSC - Folding@Home 85015 [url="http://www.techsupportforum.com/hardware-support/"] If TSF has helped you, please consider donating. If I have stopped responding to a thread, feel free to send me a PM with a link to the thread. It is advisable to subscribe to threads so you will receive updates when replies are posted. You can subscribe to threads from the "Thread Tools" Menu. »Memtest86 »Prime95 »UBCD »SpeedFan »NHC Personal »Everest »Sandra »PC Wizard »RivaTuner »ATi Tool Click here for Useful Articles and Guides