Joke Thread

[K-B]

Originally Posted by ebackhus

I've heard the Purple Elephant variation of the joke Matt shared with us.

lol!!

[K-B]

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the low country of South Carolina, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real. A guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a really dark night in the middle of a thunder storm.

Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride really bad, the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.

The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the marsh and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared through the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.

A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and was not just some drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other: "Look Bubba, there's that idiot who rode in our car when we were pushing it in the rain."

[Valandil]

Tech quote: "Your ignorance is my job security."

[Glaswegian]

Nice one Kyle, although it's the Irish version I usually hear...

[Kalim]

A typical English 30 something, Ronnie, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

Ronnie found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, Ronnie asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

Ronnie is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.

As Ronnie looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, Ronnie can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home.

Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," Ronnie blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still.How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, Ronnie accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, Ronnie goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely.

There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes .

Ronnie can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . "


(he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.)








"Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well"

[ebackhus]

That b*stard!!!

[yustr]

SO Ronnie gets kicked off that island and has to swim for his life back to his....some time later...

Ronnie is once again alone on his island for months when from out of the ocean emerges a stunningly beautiful woman. She approaches Ronnie and says she was scuba diving and got washed away from her boat. As they talk she unzips a pocket on her wet suit and asks if he'd like a smoke? Ronnie can't believe his luck "Oh would I ever" says the delighted Brit. Then she unzips another pocket and pulls out a flask and offers Ronnie a taste of scotch. He's very thankful. Then she begins to unzip the wetsuit totally and asks if Ronnie was lonely and would he like to play around?

To which he responds: "You mean you have a set of golf clubs in there too???"

[JohnthePilot]

Originally Posted by yustr

"Oh would I ever" says the delighted Brit. "You mean you have a set of golf clubs in there too???"

I'm going to complain to the race relations board. We're not all this boring. Some of us like cricket and rugby

[ebackhus]

Cricket...

[sandman55]

Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for a
vacation.

Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's all blue, shivering and shaking,
damn near frozen to death!

The other flea asks him, "What the hell happened to you?"

The first flea says, "I rode down here from New York in the moustache of a
guy on a Harley."

The other flea responds saying," That's the worst way to travel. Try what I
do. Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there,
look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm
and cosy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next
winter. A year goes by...when the first flea shows up in Miami he is all
blue, and shivering and shaking again. Damn near froze to death.

The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"

Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said...I went to the Metro
airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came
in. I crawled right up to her warm cosy spot. It was so nice and warm that I
fell asleep immediately. When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of the
guy on the Harley."

[sandman55]

Hey Glaswegian I like your Ave I remember when I was a kid (I'm 59 now) we used to get the papers from Scotland and we would read Oor Wullie and the Broons

[karusho]

"You may be an idiot, but don't act stupid."

[sandman55]

Originally Posted by karusho

"You may be an idiot, but don't act stupid."

What do you mean by that ?

[karusho]

That was something I saw this morning.

[Drew1369]

Why people really join the USAF...

[Glaswegian]

Originally Posted by sandman55

Hey Glaswegian I like your Ave I remember when I was a kid (I'm 59 now) we used to get the papers from Scotland and we would read Oor Wullie and the Broons

They're still going strong and still appearing in the Sunday Post...:grin

[JohnthePilot]

Originally Posted by sandman55
Hey Glaswegian I like your Ave I remember when I was a kid (I'm 59 now) we used to get the papers from Scotland and we would read Oor Wullie and the Broons

OMG you're nearly as old as Glas.

[Glaswegian]

Originally Posted by JohnthePilot

OMG you're nearly as old as Glas.

I will rise to the bait...I won't rise to the bait...I will rise to the bait...I won't ri...WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT???

[JohnthePilot]

Still waiting to see that mugshot

[Glaswegian]

Here you go...