Joke Thread

[Eric Bland]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies,
"Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

[GingrichHomeSys]

A poor girl's family lives next door to a rich boy's.
The poor girl is playing in her yard one morning when the rich boy came out, boasting his brand new fire truck. "Ha ha, I got a new fire truck and you don't!", he chanted.
The poor girl was upset and ran in to tell her mother. Her mother promises a new fire truck bigger and prettier than the rich boy's come Friday.
Friday comes, and the girl runs out that evening with her new toy. As she is about to show it off to the boy, he immediately rides his bright new bicycle around her and sings, "Ha ha, I have a new bike and you don't!"
Of course the poor girl is upset again, and upon another talk with mom, she is promised with a nice bike come the following Friday.
Come Friday evening, the girl proudly rides her new bicycle out to the rich boy, who is standing near a tree taking a leak.
Before she can say anything, the rich boy turns around and shows her his ***** saying, "Ha ha, I have one of these and you don't!"
The girl is way more worried than ever now, and runs in to see her mother.
Almost an hour later, the girl runs out and finds the boy.

Upon this final meeting, the girl yanks down her skirt and panties. The boy, looking, asks, "So?" The girl's answer: "Mama told me, as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want"

[DaveMo~]

Actually, in WV the chicken crossed the road to prove to 'possums that it could be done!

Speaking of WV'ians, how many WV'ians does it take to eat roadkill?


3, one to eat and two to flag traffic.

P.S. I'm a WV'ian; I know!

[iamchrisbrown]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on
the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman.

He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."


.........You're gonna love this..........




The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

[iamchrisbrown]

A large group of lingering Taliban soldiers is moving down a road when they hear a voice from behind a sand dune:

"One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 10 Taliban!"

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the Dune whereupon a gun battle erupts, then silence.

The voice then calls out, "One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 100 Taliban!"

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and, instantly, a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The American voice calls out once more, "One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 1,000 Taliban!"

The enraged Taliban Commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle rages. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and, with his dying words, tells his commander, "Don't send any more men! It's a trap-there are two of them!"

[iamchrisbrown]

A DAUGHTER'S LETTER
===================

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed.

With the worst premonition, she reads it with trembling hands:

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend.

I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle.

But it's not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.

I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it.

Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.

Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter,
Judith

PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer...

I love you!

[Eric Bland]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?'' The voice answered,
''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''


_________________
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[idtent]

Two carrots were walking down the road when a huge truck slammed into one of them. An ambulance was called and they rushed the little fellow off to the hospital where he immediately went into hours of surgery.

Finally the doctor emerged and approached the other carrot who had been anxiously awaiting in the waiting room.

"Tell me" said the carrot, "how is he?"

The doctor replied, "He's going to live, but he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

[elf]

:mfight: these is better than any joke

[iamchrisbrown]

A very happy duck walks into a bar.

Barman: Why are you so happy?

Duck1: Its been raining, its been great, I've been in and out of puddles all day.

A second happy duck walks into a bar

Barman: Why are you so happy aswell?

Duck2: I've had a fantastic day. The weathers perfect, i've been going in and out of puddles all day.

A third duck walks into a bar, this time not so happy

Barman: Why are you so sad; the others were so happy...?

Duck3: I'm puddles.

[iamchrisbrown]

State Trooper

Pennsylvania State Trooper pulled a car over on I-81 about two miles north of the PA/MD state line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler, and he was on his way to Harrisburg to do a show that night at the Zembo Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him, he would not give him a ticket.

The driver told the trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk got out, and watched the performance briefly.

He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door, and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my butt to jail, cause there's no way in Hell I can pass that test."

*edit* fixed a piece of language

[Fox]

excellent

[DumberDrummer]

haha, I laughed my a$$ off.


Another troopie joke

A cop pulls this guy over who was going about 100 miles an hour

Cop says: "I'll let you go if you can give me one good reason why you were speeding"

After the man thinks for a bit, he says: "Yesterday, my wife of 20 years left me for a cop. I thought you were trying to give her back"

the troopie rips up the ticket.

Come to think of it, I think I heard that joke on this forum. I'm not sure.

[Ha-y-n]

Three ducks get aressted and taken to court. the judge asks the first duck,
"duck what is your crime?"
duck1: I got caught blowing bubbles in the pond.
the judge thinks, then says, 100 hours community service, Next!"
duck 2 steps up the judge asks him,
"duck what is your crime?"
duck2: I got caught blowing bubbles in the pond.
the judge says, same for you 100 hours community service, Next!"
duck 3 steps up, the judge asks him,
"so now what?"
duck3: I'm bubbles.



Old Lady: what's the problem sir?

Officer: I stopped you for speeding.

Old Lady: Oh. I see.

Officer: Can I see your licsence please?

Old Lady: I Lost it.

Officer: Lost it?

Old Lady: I lost it four years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: Ok can i see your vehicle registration?

Old Lady: Sorry you can't

Officer: why not?

Old Lady: Because I stole the car, murdered the owner, chopped him up, put him in a plastic bag and stuffed him in the trunk.

the officer is stunned, her runs back to his squad car and calls for backup. 5min later another officer shows up.

Officer2: Ma'am please step out of the vehicle.

the old lady steps out

Old Lady: What's the problem officer?

Officer2: My officer tells me that you stole that car and killed the owner and put him in the trunk.

Old Lady: Killed the owner?

Officer2: Can you open the trunk please?

Old Lady: Yes sir.

She opens the trunk, the officer is stunned to find that the trunk is empty.

Officer2: Can I see your licsence Ma'am?

she reaches in her purse and pulls out the licsence. the officer gives the lady back her liscence.

Officer2: Thank you Ma'am but My officer told me that you had no licsense, you stole this car, and killed the owner.

the old lady looks at the officer...

Old Lady: I bet you that lying idiot told you I was speeding too.

:3-laugh3: :4-rolling

[Jason]

Wal-Mart Returns

A middle aged woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter
and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster
she bought because it won't work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund
because she bought it on 'special'. Suddenly, the
woman throws her arms up in the air and
starts screaming! "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
in front of a growing crowd of customers. The manager
goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explained the problem with the toaster, and HE
tells her that he can't give her a refund because she
bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her
arms up in the air and starts screaming, "PINCH MY
NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!" And
doing so draws an even more HUGE crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are
you saying that? In a huff, the woman says,� BECAUSE, I
LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M GETTING
SCREWED!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded.

[sheera]

i want some in my mail account
can u thanks
Sheera

[Holmes]

After having their 11th child, a Redneck couple decided that was enough because they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb," "light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure works in Alabama, Tennessee, Louisiana, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, and West Virginia

[badger]

you do not want to know how many times I had to read that before I got it...

did make me chuckle though.

[elf]

The really funny thing is I have lived/have family currently living in: Alabama, Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, and Mississippi,

[cainmosozihcs]

i don't have hard drives. i just keep 30 chinese teenagers in my basement and force them to memorize numbers