Joke Thread

[Glaswegian]

LOL - good ones Blitze.

[TheMatt]

All nice jokes Blitze105!

[Kalim]

There's a letter one but it maybe overbounds here...

[Blitze105]

PM me it.

Human: God... what is one hundred years like to you?
GOD: A second.
Human: God... what is a millions dollars like to you?
GOD: A penny.
Human: God... can i have a penny?
GOD: In a second.

I believe i heard that in school... i hope it wasn't here though lol!

[TheMatt]

Good one!

[Joefireline]

Not sure if this has been posted already, but I think it is pretty good.

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're a jerk when you're drunk."


Another version:
A guy walks into a bar on top of a ski skraper. He sits down next to a buff looking guy who looks like he had a little more booze than he can handle.
The buff guy looks at the bar tender and then at him and says
`'hey, did you know that this building is construckded in such a way that if I was to jump out the window and the wind would glide me safely to the ground. The man, who decided he could use a laugh said, 'prove it.'
So the guy walks over to the window and jumps out. A few minutes later he walks back into the bar and says, 'told ya.'
He looks at the bar tender who is shaking his head and laughing, and says, 'do that again.' So he does it again. The man astondished walks out to the window and jumps out and falls 100 stories to his death.
The bar tender looks at the buff man and says, 'you now, you are a real a**hole when you're drinking, Superman

[carsey]

Lol great joke joe.

[K-B]

A new pastor moved into town, and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door, even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card and wrote on the back "Revelations 3:20" and stuck it to the door.
The next day as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation, "Genesis 3:10".
Revelations 3:20 reads:
Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he will be with me.
Genesis 3:10 reads:
He said, "I heard thy voice in the garden and I was afraid, because I was naked."

[ebackhus]

Ha ha ha!!

[carsey]

lol. good one

[jen56]

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since
she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the
key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and
I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my doberman Spike. He won't
bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day,
he discovered the biggest, meanest looking doberman he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the
repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his
incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman
couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,


"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"


See Men just dont listen

[Mystery]

> I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
>
> We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
> newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so
> we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last
> West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they
> moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
>
> This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure
> about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't
> seen them since.
>
> The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first
> time for three days and the second time for four days.
>
> About that coat you wanted me to send. Your Uncle Billy Bob said it
> would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut
> them off and put them in the pockets.
>
> Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
> because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
>
> Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it
> is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks
> just like your brother.
>
> Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to
> pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated,
> he burned for three days.
>
> Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was
> driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
> friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the
> tailgate down.
>
> There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the
> normal has happened.
>
> Your Favorite Aunt,
> Mom

[TheMatt]

Funny. I have a couple.

Bob and Steve are working in a saw mill. One day, Steve accidentally cuts off his arm. Alarmed, Bob puts the arm in a plastic bag and brings it to the hospital. After a couple of hours of surgery, the doctor reports it was successful and Steve is as good as new.

The next day, Steve manages to cut off his leg. Once again, Bob puts the leg in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital, and again, the doctor reports the surgery as a success.

The day after that, Steve somehow cuts off his head. Like the previous times, Bob puts the body part in a plastic bag and brings it and Steve to the hospital. But this time, however, the doctor sadly reports that Steve didn't make it. He said that he suffocated in the plastic bag.

[TheMatt]

In the middle of an ocean, a woman is stranded in the water. A boat comes by and the driver calls "Hey, do you need a lift?" The woman replies "No thanks, I'm waiting for God to save me." A half an hour later, another boat drives by. A guy on the boat says "What are you doing all the way out here? Hop on." But again, the woman responds by saying "No, I'm waiting for God to save me. It is starting to get dusky when a helicopter flies overhead. A Coast Guard rescuer throws down a ladder and calls "Climb up!" But the woman again replies "Nope, I am waiting for God to save me." Shortly after that, she runs out of energy and drowns. When she arrives at heaven, she goes into God's office and asks "Hey God, why didn't you save me when I was drowning?" God replies by saying "I tried, I sent two boats and a helicopter!"

[TheMatt]

A guy is sitting in a diner when the waitress comes by with the soup he orders. He looks at the soup and says "Come and try this soup." Confused, the waitress says "Is there something wrong? Did I bring the wrong one?" The guy replies "Just try it!" The waitress responds by saying "Is it too hot? Too cold?" "Just try it!" the guy says. The waitress again asks "Is it too spicy? Too salty?" But the again says "Just try it" This goes on for a while, when finally the waitress just gives in and agrees to try it. She asks "Where is your spoon?" And the guy responds by saying "Now you see the problem."

[TheMatt]

One day, Sally, Lauren, and Samantha are talking amongst eachother in math class. Sally says to Lauren, "When the teacher calls on you to answer what 1 + 1 is, shout 'Purple Plums!'." Lauren says, "Okay." When the teacher calls on Lauren, Lauren responds by shouting, "Purple Plums!" Astonished, the teacher says, "Oh my goodness, go to the Principal's office young lady!" Confused, Lauren obeys.

When she gets there, the Principal says, "Lauren, what are you doing down here?" Lauren replies by saying, "Well, I got kicked out of math class just for saying 'Purple Plums!' to the teacher." The Principal looks at here for a moment and says, "Lauren, you are officially expelled from this school!"

Lauren walks home, and goes inside upon getting there. Her mother gets up from the couch and says, "Lauren, what are you doing home from school?" Lauren says, "For some reason, I got kicked out of math class and expelled from school all for saying 'Purple Plums!' to the teacher and Principal!" Her mother jumps out of her seat and says, "Lauren, you are officially grounded! Leave this house and think about what you have done!"

Lauren leaves the house. She is very sad and confused about what is going on with this phrase that seems to get everyone upset. She is walking when she encounters a police officer on the sidewalk. The police officer says, "What are you doing here? You should be in school." Lauren looks at him sadly and says, "Here is what happened. First, I got kicked out of math class, then I got expelled from school, and finally I got kicked out of my own home, all for saying 'Purple Plums!' to everyone." The police officer immediately slaps cuffs on her and says, "You are under arrest, I think it is time you spent some time in a correctional facility!" Lauren goes back the the police station with the officer.

Eight years later, Lauren is free. She is walking down the street when she sees here friends Sally and Samantha. She goes up to them and says, "Ya know, I am really angry that you told me to say 'Purple Plums!' to everyone. But if you just tell me what it means, I will forgive you." Sally looks at Samantha and then back at Lauren, and says, "Okay. Just go across the street, into that building over there, up onto the roof, and look out toward the north, and you will know exactly what 'Purple Plums!' means."

Lauren excitedly runs across the street, into the building, up the stairs, onto the roof, and looks out toward the north. Then she shouts "Wow, I finally know what 'Purple Plums!' means!" She runs down the stairs and out the building to go tell her friends, but is hit by a car when crossing the street.

The moral of the story: Look both ways when crossing the street.

[Valandil]

So there were two English guys and an Aussie in the bathroom at the urinals each taking a leak. The first English guy walks over to the sink and stars washing his hands heavily. He said "In London, they teach us to be very neat and clean." The second Englishman finished up and walked to the sink and started washing his hands lightly, yet still very clean. He said "In Derbyshire, they teach us to be nice and clean yet conserve resources." The Aussie guy finishes and starts to walk out of the bathroom and says "In Australia, they teach us not to piss all over our hands."

[K-B]

Originally Posted by TheMatt

Funny. I have a couple.

Bob and Steve are working in a saw mill. One day, Steve accidentally cuts off his arm. Alarmed, Bob puts the arm in a plastic bag and brings it to the hospital. After a couple of hours of surgery, the doctor reports it was successful and Steve is as good as new.

The next day, Steve manages to cut off his leg. Once again, Bob puts the leg in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital, and again, the doctor reports the surgery as a success.

The day after that, Steve somehow cuts off his head. Like the previous times, Bob puts the body part in a plastic bag and brings it and Steve to the hospital. But this time, however, the doctor sadly reports that Steve didn't make it. He said that he suffocated in the plastic bag.

The one I've heard is better
Steve and Bob are sawing and Steve cuts his arm off. Bob tosses the arm in plastic bag and rushes Steve to the hospital. Next day, Bob goes to visit Steve, and he's outside playing tennis with his bad arm. "The miracles modern doctors can make!" cried Bob.
He and Steve are back at work, and Steve cuts his leg off. Bob tosses the leg in a plastic bag, and rushes Steve to the hospital. Next day he goes to visit Steve, and he's outside playing soccer. "The miracles modern doctors can make!" cried Bob. So Bob and Steve are back at work, and Steve cuts his head off. Bob tosses it in a plastic bag and rushes Steve to the Hospital. Next day, he goes to visit Steve, and the doctor tells him, "I've got bad news. Steve died". Wailing, Bob says "But you reattached his leg and arm, why not his head?" Well, says the doctor, "Some idiot put his head in a bag and he suffocated".

[carsey]

Great jokes. Really love them.

[ebackhus]

I've heard the Purple Elephant variation of the joke Matt shared with us.