Joke Thread - Page 28

ebackhus · 01-04-2007, 02:03 PM

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

**carsey** · 01-04-2007, 02:09 PM

theres a man running down the road with a women on his back.

'WHERE YOU GOING' shouted a person in the street
Fancy dress party. said the man
'WHAT YOU GOING AS??' shouted a person in the street
A tortiose. said the man
'WHO'S SHE?' shouted a person in the street
Thats Michelle. said the man

**karusho** · 01-05-2007, 09:01 PM

I have no idea why that's funny.

Zazula · 01-06-2007, 04:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by karusho

I have no idea why that's funny.

I think because Michelle sounds the same as "me shell". I'm not Brit, but I believe there are places where they say "me" instead of "my".

JohnthePilot · 01-06-2007, 07:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zazula

I think because Michelle sounds the same as "me shell". I'm not Brit, but I believe there are places where they say "me" instead of "my".

Quite correct Sakis.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zazula

OK, as you all know I am neither an English native speaker (to be aware of subtle meanings and differences in words) or an English-speaking-country inhabitant (to be aware of current events)

For someone who professes not to be aware of subtle meanings etc, you have a better command of english than many english speaking people that I know. Don't be so modest.

**Spatcher** · 01-06-2007, 06:41 PM

Srsly Zaz, you have a better command of the English language than I do, and my AP English teacher is one of the best in the country!!

Now back to the jokes!!

**Blitze105** · 01-07-2007, 02:43 AM

I haven't come across these yet sorry if these are repeats..

Day 1. A duck walks into a gas station. He asks the counter woman if she has any grapes, she says no.
Day 2: The duck walks into the gas station and asks if the counter woman has any grapes. She says no.. and says we won't ever sell them here.
Day 3: The duck walks into the gas station and asks if the counter woman has any grapes. She says NO! if you come in again i am going to nail your feet to the ground so you can't come in again.
Day 4: The duck enters the gas station and asks if the counter woman has any nails. She smiles and says no we do not. The duck smiles (crzy thought isn't it?) and asks, "got any grapes?"
___________________

A man and woman are married for 31 years. The man told his wife that no matter what she did she cannot look in the shoe box under the bed. Until this day the wife had not, however, today was different. She looked inside of the box and saw 3 empty bear cans and 1000 dollars and some change in the box.

At dinner she admits what she has done. The man says... well it has been 31 years i guess i can explain. I put an empty beer can in it for every time i have cheated on you. The wife replies that 3 times in 30 years isn't that bad and she will forgive him. The man chuckles and states that when the box got full he recycled the cans and left the money in the box.
________________________________
"Squawks" are problems noted by U. S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem
(S) = Solution

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Suspected crack in windshield.
(S) Suspect you're right.

(P) Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
(S) Took hammer away from midget

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.

(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words

Geekgirl · 01-07-2007, 01:00 PM

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

Quote:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

Quote:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

**carsey** · 01-07-2007, 01:36 PM

Loved that one. Very true...Very True.

**Joefireline** · 01-07-2007, 02:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Geekgirl

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

I heard that one a while back, along with a load of other things taking the mick out of Microsoft.

One slightly different:
# Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
# Occasionally your car would just die on the motorway for no reason, accept this, restart and drive on.
# Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.
# You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "Car 95" or a "Car NT". But then you'd have to buy more seats.
# Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
# The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower.
# The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
# People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years.
# We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas and all auto fluids but the packaging would be superb.
# New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
# The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
# If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
# They wouldn't build their own engines, but form a cartel with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it.
# There would be an "Engine Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.
# Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes. Unless of course, you buy the upgrade to use existing stuff.
# Microsoft would do so well, because even though they don't own any roads, all of the road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars free, including IBM!
# If you still ran old versions of car (i.e. CarDOS 6.22/CarWIN 3.11), then you would be called old fashioned, but you would be able to drive much faster, and on more roads!
# If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrow your friends, and then copy it.
# Whenever you bought a car, you would have to reorganize the ignition for a few days before it worked.
# You would need to by an upgrade to run cars on a motorway next to each other.

Another one:
If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft...

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support.

Waiter: What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00

Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50

Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

Windows = Virus:
Virus:
# They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
# Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
# Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
# Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
# Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Sorry if they have been said, I haven't read the whole thread!

**carsey** · 01-07-2007, 02:19 PM

haha...great. quite funny

**TheMatt** · 01-07-2007, 02:39 PM

I heard the one about the duck and gates before. Funny Jokes, keep them coming!

**Joefireline** · 01-07-2007, 03:06 PM

The death of Bill Gates

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He immediately found himself being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill. I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay, then," said Bill. "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water. The sun was shining. The temperature was perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute and then gave his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"As you desire," said St. Peter, and Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment,

"This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place, with the beautiful beaches and the women?"

St. Peter replied, "That was a demo."

**DumberDrummer** · 01-07-2007, 03:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zazula

I think because Michelle sounds the same as "me shell". I'm not Brit, but I believe there are places where they say "me" instead of "my".

Just pronouncing "Michelle" the way I do (not "meechelle") produces the slang pronunciation of "my shell" that I would use in everyday conversation.

**Blitze105** · 01-07-2007, 07:55 PM

I came up with this on my own... so bare with me?

Comparing Life to AOL
1. If you sign out of life(going to sleep) you must wait 8-10 hours to sign back in properly.
2. If you sign in life before 8-10 hours you feel even slower than usual.
3. If you sign in life 10+ hours you are sluggish for the rest of the day until you get the right amount of signing out-ness.
4. The year(referring to version) you live in determines how many problems you have.
5. The longer you're signed in the more infections you have to worry about.
6. Errors are going to happen every day, multiple times a day.
7. There is always an easier way to do things.
8. Signing in life is slow and hard to do, and when you get up you have a large chance to fall and get signed off again.

This isn't supposed to be that funny but how do you all like em?
~blitze

ebackhus · 01-08-2007, 11:55 AM

Well done, Blitze!!

I just wonder, though, why does everyone think that Macintosh makes Apple computers?

**Blitze105** · 01-08-2007, 02:32 PM

Both are used for useless gaming and video editing?

To stay on topic..
A wee guy was sitting at a bar staring at his drink for ages. Suddenly, a big biker came along, snatched his glass, guzzled down the contents and laughed, "Hah! So what you gonna do about that, little man?"

"Nothing," sighed the little guy despondently. "You see, today has been the worst day of my life. This morning I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss was furious and so he sacked me. I cleared my desk, went to my car, only to discover that it wasn't there - somebody had stolen it. So I got a taxi home, but when it came to paying the driver I realised I'd forgotten my wallet. I then went into my house and I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I left home and came to this bar. And just when I was thinking about ending it all, you came along and drank my poison..."
___________

An old man is in a bar. He sees a young man and says i have a bet for you... if i can drink my two mugs of beer before you can drink your two shots you pay me $20 if not i pay you $20. The young man laughs and says whats the catch? The fold man replies that the only rule is that you can't touch my glasses and i can't touch yours. The young man thought it over and agreed. The old man then said also let me finish my first mug of beer before you start then u start and we see who wins. The young man agrees, and watches as the older man drinks the mug of beer, turns it upside down and puts it over one of his shot glasses.

Moral of the story don't mess with the elderly.
~blitze

**Joefireline** · 01-08-2007, 02:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blitze105

Both are used for useless gaming and video editing?

To stay on topic..
A wee guy was sitting at a bar staring at his drink for ages. Suddenly, a big biker came along, snatched his glass, guzzled down the contents and laughed, "Hah! So what you gonna do about that, little man?"

"Nothing," sighed the little guy despondently. "You see, today has been the worst day of my life. This morning I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss was furious and so he sacked me. I cleared my desk, went to my car, only to discover that it wasn't there - somebody had stolen it. So I got a taxi home, but when it came to paying the driver I realised I'd forgotten my wallet. I then went into my house and I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I left home and came to this bar. And just when I was thinking about ending it all, you came along and drank my poison..."
___________

An old man is in a bar. He sees a young man and says i have a bet for you... if i can drink my two mugs of beer before you can drink your two shots you pay me $20 if not i pay you $20. The young man laughs and says whats the catch? The fold man replies that the only rule is that you can't touch my glasses and i can't touch yours. The young man thought it over and agreed. The old man then said also let me finish my first mug of beer before you start then u start and we see who wins. The young man agrees, and watches as the older man drinks the mug of beer, turns it upside down and puts it over one of his shot glasses.

Moral of the story don't mess with the elderly.
~blitze

Ahh, one of those ones. I saw a video of this sort of joke which was pretty funny.

http://www.kewego.com/video/iLyROoaftMPv.html

**carsey** · 01-08-2007, 03:02 PM

Great Jokes, Keep em up.

**Blitze105** · 01-08-2007, 03:14 PM

The registry ... Picture a rambling monologue written in Greek, translated to French by a Japanese guy who only speeks Spanish, then converted from standard font to Wingdings. Then, for fun, cut out each character and mix in a bucket filled with black ink. Then translate back.
___________________________

Jeff and Mike were killed in an accident and as Jeff
arrives at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.

"Where's my friend Mike?"...Jeff asks the old Saint.

St. Peter replies..."Mike wasn't as fortunate as you,
instead of Heaven, he went in the other direction."

Jeff was deeply concerned by this and asks... "well
could I see Mike just one more time?"

St. Peter agreed to this, so they walked over to the
edge of Heaven and looked down.

Jeff notices Mike with a sexy blonde on one side of
him and a keg of beer on the other.

"I really don't mean to complain"...Jeff says... "but
Mike seems to have it pretty nice down in Hell."

"Look a little closer"...says St. Peter..."for that keg
has a hole in it, the blonde doesn't."
_______________________

So you want a day off.

Let's take a look at what you are asking for.
There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.
We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!

01-04-2007, 02:03 PM	#541 (permalink)
ebackhus Manager, Design Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: SATX Posts: 14,124 OS: WinXP Pro SP3/Windows 7 RTM My System Blog Entries: 28	Brain pan lawyer Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere." __________________ ----------------------------- There are no dumb questions, unless a customer is asking them. Help in the fight against cancer and other serious illnesses.

01-04-2007, 02:09 PM	#542 (permalink)
carsey Moderator, TSF Articles Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Hunwick, Co. Durham England Posts: 10,671 OS: XP Pro SP3 My System	theres a man running down the road with a women on his back. 'WHERE YOU GOING' shouted a person in the street Fancy dress party. said the man 'WHAT YOU GOING AS??' shouted a person in the street A tortiose. said the man 'WHO'S SHE?' shouted a person in the street Thats Michelle. said the man __________________ Submit New Articles Here

01-06-2007, 06:41 PM	#546 (permalink)
Spatcher Henry Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 3,484 OS: Mac OSX	Srsly Zaz, you have a better command of the English language than I do, and my AP English teacher is one of the best in the country!! Now back to the jokes!! __________________ JohnThePilot: Cenedl heb iaith, cenedl heb galon (a nation without a language is a nation without a heart) John Butler Trio: Go take a step outside, see what's shakin' in the real world - Good Excuse Paul Kelly: Just add a dollop of tomato sauce for sweetness and that extra tang - How to Make Gravy

01-07-2007, 02:43 AM	#547 (permalink)
Blitze105 TSF Enthusiast Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 557 OS: XP Pro SP2, FC5	I haven't come across these yet sorry if these are repeats.. Day 1. A duck walks into a gas station. He asks the counter woman if she has any grapes, she says no. Day 2: The duck walks into the gas station and asks if the counter woman has any grapes. She says no.. and says we won't ever sell them here. Day 3: The duck walks into the gas station and asks if the counter woman has any grapes. She says NO! if you come in again i am going to nail your feet to the ground so you can't come in again. Day 4: The duck enters the gas station and asks if the counter woman has any nails. She smiles and says no we do not. The duck smiles (crzy thought isn't it?) and asks, "got any grapes?" ___________________ A man and woman are married for 31 years. The man told his wife that no matter what she did she cannot look in the shoe box under the bed. Until this day the wife had not, however, today was different. She looked inside of the box and saw 3 empty bear cans and 1000 dollars and some change in the box. At dinner she admits what she has done. The man says... well it has been 31 years i guess i can explain. I put an empty beer can in it for every time i have cheated on you. The wife replies that 3 times in 30 years isn't that bad and she will forgive him. The man chuckles and states that when the box got full he recycled the cans and left the money in the box. ________________________________ "Squawks" are problems noted by U. S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P) = Problem (S) = Solution (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire. (P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough. (S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft. (P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid. (S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage. (P) Something loose in cockpit. (S) Something tightened in cockpit. (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. (S) Evidence removed. (P) DME volume unbelievably loud. (S) Volume set to more believable level. (P) Dead bugs on windshield. (S) Live bugs on order. (P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent. (S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground. (P) IFF inoperative. (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. (P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. (S) That's what they're there for. (P) Number three engine missing. (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search. (P) Suspected crack in windshield. (S) Suspect you're right. (P) Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. (S) Took hammer away from midget (P) Aircraft handles funny. (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious. (P) Target Radar hums. (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words Last edited by Blitze105; 01-07-2007 at 03:03 AM.

01-07-2007, 01:36 PM	#549 (permalink)
carsey Moderator, TSF Articles Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Hunwick, Co. Durham England Posts: 10,671 OS: XP Pro SP3 My System	Loved that one. Very true...Very True. __________________ Submit New Articles Here

01-05-2007, 09:01 PM	#543 (permalink)
karusho TSF Enthusiast Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Silicon Valley Posts: 1,217 OS: Windows XP SP2, Windows Vista SP1, Ubuntu 8.04 My System	I have no idea why that's funny.

01-07-2007, 02:19 PM	#551 (permalink)
carsey Moderator, TSF Articles Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Hunwick, Co. Durham England Posts: 10,671 OS: XP Pro SP3 My System	haha...great. quite funny __________________ Submit New Articles Here

01-07-2007, 02:39 PM	#552 (permalink)
TheMatt TSF Enthusiast Join Date: May 2006 Location: Boston Posts: 13,701 OS: Win 3.1, 98, NT 4.0, XP Debian 4.0, Kubuntu 6.06 My System Blog Entries: 3	I heard the one about the duck and gates before. Funny Jokes, keep them coming! __________________ - Matt M - KB1OSC - Folding@Home 85015 [url="http://www.techsupportforum.com/hardware-support/"] If TSF has helped you, please consider donating. If I have stopped responding to a thread, feel free to send me a PM with a link to the thread. It is advisable to subscribe to threads so you will receive updates when replies are posted. You can subscribe to threads from the "Thread Tools" Menu. »Memtest86 »Prime95 »UBCD »SpeedFan »NHC Personal »Everest »Sandra »PC Wizard »RivaTuner »ATi Tool Click here for Useful Articles and Guides

01-07-2007, 03:06 PM	#553 (permalink)
Joefireline Enthusiastic TSFer~Joseph Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Portishead (Bristol) England Posts: 5,319 OS: Windows 7 64bit(Desktop) / XP Home SP2(laptop) My System	The death of Bill Gates Bill Gates died in a car accident. He immediately found himself being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill. I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter said, I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay, then," said Bill. "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water. The sun was shining. The temperature was perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and then gave his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. "As you desire," said St. Peter, and Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill. Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place, with the beautiful beaches and the women?" St. Peter replied, "That was a demo."

01-07-2007, 07:55 PM	#555 (permalink)
Blitze105 TSF Enthusiast Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 557 OS: XP Pro SP2, FC5	I came up with this on my own... so bare with me? Comparing Life to AOL 1. If you sign out of life(going to sleep) you must wait 8-10 hours to sign back in properly. 2. If you sign in life before 8-10 hours you feel even slower than usual. 3. If you sign in life 10+ hours you are sluggish for the rest of the day until you get the right amount of signing out-ness. 4. The year(referring to version) you live in determines how many problems you have. 5. The longer you're signed in the more infections you have to worry about. 6. Errors are going to happen every day, multiple times a day. 7. There is always an easier way to do things. 8. Signing in life is slow and hard to do, and when you get up you have a large chance to fall and get signed off again. This isn't supposed to be that funny but how do you all like em? ~blitze Last edited by Blitze105; 01-07-2007 at 08:00 PM.

01-08-2007, 11:55 AM	#556 (permalink)
ebackhus Manager, Design Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: SATX Posts: 14,124 OS: WinXP Pro SP3/Windows 7 RTM My System Blog Entries: 28	Well done, Blitze!! I just wonder, though, why does everyone think that Macintosh makes Apple computers? __________________ ----------------------------- There are no dumb questions, unless a customer is asking them. Help in the fight against cancer and other serious illnesses.

01-08-2007, 02:32 PM	#557 (permalink)
Blitze105 TSF Enthusiast Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 557 OS: XP Pro SP2, FC5	Both are used for useless gaming and video editing? To stay on topic.. A wee guy was sitting at a bar staring at his drink for ages. Suddenly, a big biker came along, snatched his glass, guzzled down the contents and laughed, "Hah! So what you gonna do about that, little man?" "Nothing," sighed the little guy despondently. "You see, today has been the worst day of my life. This morning I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss was furious and so he sacked me. I cleared my desk, went to my car, only to discover that it wasn't there - somebody had stolen it. So I got a taxi home, but when it came to paying the driver I realised I'd forgotten my wallet. I then went into my house and I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I left home and came to this bar. And just when I was thinking about ending it all, you came along and drank my poison..." ___________ An old man is in a bar. He sees a young man and says i have a bet for you... if i can drink my two mugs of beer before you can drink your two shots you pay me $20 if not i pay you $20. The young man laughs and says whats the catch? The fold man replies that the only rule is that you can't touch my glasses and i can't touch yours. The young man thought it over and agreed. The old man then said also let me finish my first mug of beer before you start then u start and we see who wins. The young man agrees, and watches as the older man drinks the mug of beer, turns it upside down and puts it over one of his shot glasses. Moral of the story don't mess with the elderly. ~blitze

01-08-2007, 03:02 PM	#559 (permalink)
carsey Moderator, TSF Articles Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Hunwick, Co. Durham England Posts: 10,671 OS: XP Pro SP3 My System	Great Jokes, Keep em up. __________________ Submit New Articles Here

01-08-2007, 03:14 PM	#560 (permalink)
Blitze105 TSF Enthusiast Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 557 OS: XP Pro SP2, FC5	The registry ... Picture a rambling monologue written in Greek, translated to French by a Japanese guy who only speeks Spanish, then converted from standard font to Wingdings. Then, for fun, cut out each character and mix in a bucket filled with black ink. Then translate back. ___________________________ Jeff and Mike were killed in an accident and as Jeff arrives at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter. "Where's my friend Mike?"...Jeff asks the old Saint. St. Peter replies..."Mike wasn't as fortunate as you, instead of Heaven, he went in the other direction." Jeff was deeply concerned by this and asks... "well could I see Mike just one more time?" St. Peter agreed to this, so they walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. Jeff notices Mike with a sexy blonde on one side of him and a keg of beer on the other. "I really don't mean to complain"...Jeff says... "but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down in Hell." "Look a little closer"...says St. Peter..."for that keg has a hole in it, the blonde doesn't." _______________________ So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!