Joke Thread

[Valandil]

There`s this guy and he`s kind of a chauvinist. He and this female are in the elevator going up to the top floor and all of a sudden it starts to fall down. The woman looks at him and says "make me feel like a woman one more time." The guy takes off his pants and says "here, iron these."

There`s this forest fire and the lady is looking for someone to put it out. She asked some guys to put it out and he said it would cost her 5 million dollars. She asked why it was going to be so much this time because she had hired him before to put it out and he only charged 1 million. He told her it was going to cost more because he`d need longer hoses to get to the fire because he was afraid of getting to close to it. All of a sudden a Mexican guy in the crowd comes out and says he`ll do it for 500,000, so she hired him. The next day at 7am sharp they see this beat up truck speeding their way. The truck stopped about 10 feet from the fire. The Mexican who was hired and around 50 of his friends got out of the back of the truck with potato sacks and just kept hitting the fire until it was out. The woman was astonished because these guys parked 10 feet from the fire while the other guy was wanting to park 200 feet away. So when they`re all done, the news reporter comes up and asks them what they`re going to do with all that money. The head Mexican guy looks at him and says "Well, first things first, we`re going to get those brakes fixed."

[carsey]

lol... Great jokes. Made a good day better.

[Valandil]

Let me start this post by saying I`m over half Polish, so I`m allowed to make fun of Poles.

There`s this Polish guy who went to the eye doctor to have an eye exam. The doctor told him to read off the 3rd line from left to right. The Pole starts reading the line and says "C Z E I S R S K I." Doctor said "very good." The Pole looks over at him with a serious face and says "How did you know my wife`s maiden name?"

Q: What does a Polish bride get on her wedding night that`s long and hard?
A: A new last name

[casinojoe1]

just read this thread whilst watching de niro on television...made it more believable ...lol

[casinojoe1]

Originally Posted by casinojoe1

just read this thread whilst watching de niro on television...made it more believable ...lol

ok last post should not have landed here! need to learn more about this site lol

[Glaswegian]

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends and
colleagues, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what
to say without offending someone. So I met with my solicitor yesterday,
and on his advice I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes
for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice
holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious
persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the
religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their
choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and
medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally
accepted Gregorian calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for
the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society
have helped make our country great and without regard to the race,
creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual
preference of the wishes.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting
is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable
with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by
the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or
others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole
discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected
within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or
until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes
first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance
of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

No trees or animals (both land based and ocean based), birds, insects or
bacteria were harmed in the sending of this message.

[Chevy]

In keeping with the PC holiday theme:

Twas the Night Before Christmas

[ebackhus]

I'm trying to find the techie version of "Twas the Night Before Christmas." It was printed in the newspaper here many years back and I've misplaced the clipping of it. I also had a typed version but have lost that data. Anyone?

[karusho]

THE TRUTH ABOUT SANTA:

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But it is estimated that there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn't (appear to) handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second -- a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull ten times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison- this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy, per second,each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion, if Santa ever <b>did</b> deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

[carsey]

Thats cool. Some really interesting facts in there... Good find

[forcifer]

Originally Posted by Glaswegian

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends and
colleagues, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what
to say without offending someone. So I met with my solicitor yesterday,
and on his advice I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes
for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice
holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious
persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the
religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their
choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and
medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally
accepted Gregorian calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for
the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society
have helped make our country great and without regard to the race,
creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual
preference of the wishes.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting
is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable
with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by
the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or
others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole
discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected
within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or
until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes
first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance
of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

No trees or animals (both land based and ocean based), birds, insects or
bacteria were harmed in the sending of this message.

(political correct MS man)

[yustr]

Originally Posted by karusho

THE TRUTH ABOUT SANTA:

...yada yada yada...

In conclusion, if Santa ever <b>did</b> deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Damned engineers.

Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! How dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

[DumberDrummer]

A Texan, a Californian, and an Oregonian are hanging out on a ranch.

The texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a long draught, then tosses it in the air, takes out his fun and shoots the bottle in the air. The Californian looks at the Texan and says, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!"

The Texan replied, "In Texas, there's plety of whiskey and bottles are cheap."

A While later, not wanting to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of champagne, took a few sips, and threw it into the air, shooting it before it hit the ground.

The Oregonian couldn't believe this and said, "What the heck did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of champagne!" the Californian replied, "In California, there's plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."

A while later, the Oregonian pulled out a bottle of Black Butte Porter. He opened it, tok a sip, took another, then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddle bag, pulled out his gun, and shot the Californian. The Texan, shocked, said "Why the hell did you do that?"

The Oregonian replied "Well, in Oregon we have plenty of Californians and bottles are worth a nickel"

[TheMatt]

Originally Posted by karusho

THE TRUTH ABOUT SANTA:

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But it is estimated that there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn't (appear to) handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second -- a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull ten times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison- this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy, per second,each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion, if Santa ever <b>did</b> deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

:rolling on the floor laughing:

[tomi0192]

This is a joke from another forum.

Go to google and search the word "failure"

Look at the first link.

[karusho]

The 'failure' one is pretty old.

Besides, I wouldn't say Bush is a complete failure. He did manage to become the President, after all.

[forcifer]

Originally Posted by karusho

3.5 children per household,

o.o

[DumberDrummer]

Originally Posted by TheMatt

:rolling on the floor laughing:

Oh give me a break... santa is more than capable of this, using nanobots and bending the space/time continuum.

http://news.ncsu.edu/releases/2006/dec/212.html

[TheMatt]

Why won't Santa share this technology with us?

[DumberDrummer]

A prime directive of sorts