Joke Thread

[K-B]

Heh.

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says. "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the rear end of a horse.

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's rear end?"

The farmer says, "Oh no officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's rear end." The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing", and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[carsey]

Good one.

[yustr]

Originally Posted by forcifer

is there a shorter word for monosylabic?

NO !!!

[karusho]

Four philosophers were discussing guns and death.

The first one said, "Guns don't kill people, bullets do."

The second one said, "You idiot, it's not the bullet, it's the person!"

The third one said, "You're both foolish. Neither people nor bullets kill people, guns do."

Seeing that they were at a stalemate, they turned to the fourth one.

The fourth one said sagely, "Neither guns, bullets, nor people kill people. People with guns loaded with bullets kill people. People, guns, and bullets in themselves do not harm anyone. Therefore, I deem it safe for people to own guns and bullets."

[Glaswegian]

A man in Brisbane calls his son in Adelaide two days before Christmas
and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Gees Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.


"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says,
"we're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Darwin and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.


"No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this."


She calls Brisbane immediately and screams at her father, "You are not
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there by tomorrow. Until
then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,
"they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

[K-B]

LOL!

[ebackhus]

Ha ha ha!! Totally PWNT by the parents.

[carsey]

On being seated at a restaurant table, a gentleman becomes somewhat embarrassed when he knocks the spoon off with his elbow. A nearby waiter calmly picks it up and produces another shiny spoon from his pocket, which he places on the table. Suitably impressed, the diner enquires, ‘Do all waiters carry spare spoons on them?’ The waiter replies, ‘Indeed, sir, it is in fact company policy, ever since our efficiency expert determined that 17.8 per cent of our clients knock the spoon off the table. By carrying a spare spoon on our person, we save on trips to the kitchen’ After the gentleman has finished his meal and paid the bill, he wanders over to the same waiter and says to him, ‘You will, of course, forgive me, but do you know you have a piece of string hanging from your fly?’ ‘Indeed, sir,’ the waiter begins, ‘Our efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much time washing our hands after going to the toilet. Thus, by attaching this piece of string to my ***** I avoid touching myself: I go, and then I return to work. It saves a lot of time.’ ‘But how do you put it back in your trousers?’ asks the curious diner. ‘Well sir, I can't speak on behalf of my colleagues, but I just use the spoon.’

-------------------
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

--------------------
A man is waiting nervously for news of his new-born baby when a nurse walks in. ‘It’s bad news,’ she says. ‘Your baby is badly deformed.’ Naturally the man tells himself that he will love the baby whatever it looks like. The midwife then leads the man out to the incubators. Passing a baby that is no more than a head, the midwife says ‘Brace yourself, dear – your baby is a lot worse than this.’ Finally they arrive at the incubator and the father stares open-mouthed at his child. For there, sitting on the blanket, is a pair of eyeballs blinking away. ‘I’m sorry,’ offers the midwife. The man, holding back tears, says, ‘It’s my baby and I’ll look after it the best I can.’ He gives the little eyes a tender wave. ‘I wouldn’t bother doing that,’ says the midwife. ‘It’s blind.’

---------------------
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers, and when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, flipped his gun in the air, caught it above his head without looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. ‘Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?’ he bellowed, making the glasses on the bar shake. No one answered. The cowboy squinted around the room then, without looking, shot the tops off three bottles of whisky on the bar. ‘All right,’ he snarled at the room in general. ‘I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna have to do what I done in Texas.’ The locals shifted uneasily in their seats as the cowboy swivelled around suddenly. ‘And let me tell you – I really don’t want to do what I done in Texas.’ Chairs creaked restlessly, and the cowboy sat at the bar again, and quickly downed another beer. The locals watched as he got up, paid the bill and walked outside – to find his horse back where he’d left it. As the cowboy saddled-up and started to ride out of town, the bartender wandered out of the bar. Unable to contain his curiosity, he approached the lone wanderer. ‘Say partner, before you go – what happened in Texas?’ The cowboy turned back, sadly. ‘I had to walk home.’
----------------------

A drunk is stumbling through the woods when he happens upon a preacher baptising folk in the river. He ambles down to the water's edge then trips and falls down before the holy man. Almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, the preacher pipes up: "Lord have mercy on your drunken soul, brother - are you ready to find Jesus?"

Out of his skull, the drunk agrees: "Yes, I am!" he replies. And with that, the preacher grabs him and dunks him under the water.

Moments later, he drags the boozer back up: "Brother, have you found Jesus?

"No, preacher," stammers the drunk, "I have not!"

Stunned by this, the preacher sends the drunk down again...this time leaving him there a little longer. Shortly he drags him back up again: "Rid your soul of the poison, brother - have you found Jesus?"

Gasping for air, the drunk splutters a reply: "No, preacher - I have not!"
At his wit's end, the preacher sends the drunk down one last time. A full minute later, he pulls him out:

"For the love of God," shouts the preacher, "tell me you've found Jesus!"

Coughing his lungs up, the drunk wipes his eyes and turns to the preacher: "You sure this is where he fell in?"

---------
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, you might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

--------------
Q1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's tip-ex on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the tip-ex.

---------
I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"

---------------

[karusho]

Old...

[Glaswegian]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.


**************************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into
the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said, "Just get out."


**************************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.


**************************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed
him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."


**************************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back."I'm so tired of chardonnay."


**************************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get
MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them. Use thesalt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[95five-0]

Thanks Glas that was a great way to start my day :)

[carsey]

Great. Loved them

[ebackhus]

Glas has made me smile this day. Well done!

[Reflex]

How you make jokes? :/

Anyway,

On a BA flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African Lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.

"What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant.

"Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"

"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do - I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class."

The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers).

A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin:

"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class."

Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues...

"It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person."

Having said that, the stewardess turned to the black man sitting next to the lady, and said:

"So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."

At which point, apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the black man walked up to the front of the plane...

[K-B]

Good story.

[wootmachine9000]

A guy I know back home is of Finnish decent-a lot of his family lives in Minnesota too. Anyways he sent me these:

Two Minnesotans, Sven & Ole (ollie), walk into a pet shop near Brainerd.

They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."


The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage

up dere," says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for

the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the

top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake.

At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis

looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and

jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the

bottom, killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head

and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous

for me."


____________________________________________________________


Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs.

He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the

cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the

other.
"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag

and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the

parrot.

Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom

and breaks every bone in his body.

Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat

parrotshooting either."



________________________________________________________________

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars

appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of

which he pulls a chicken.


Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls

himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a

rock and breaks his spine.



Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie

yumping, den Knute parrotshooting .. and now Lars, hengliding .."

[karusho]

I don't get it.

[DumberDrummer]

read it out loud... bungie jumping, parachuting, hangliding

[Glaswegian]

Haha - I remember seeing the Irish versions a while back...

[Speedle]

Originally Posted by DumberDrummer

read it out loud... bungie jumping, parachuting, hangliding

I Like ur signature:

"It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn't take any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face." :)