Joke Thread

[Glaswegian]

There's a fellow who is an avid runner. Actually, he's a running fanatic.
Every Sunday morning he gets up very early and runs for hours.
Well, one Sunday morning he gets up early,dresses quietly and goes out
to his car. It is raining cats and dogs!!! Not to
mention there was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50mph.
He goes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel and
finds that it's supposed to keep it up all day.
So he undresses just as quietly, and slips back into bed where he cuddles up
behind his wife and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

She replies, "I know. Can you believe it? My stupid husband is out there running in it"

[Zazula]

[Spatcher]

Fun things to do at a drive-thru

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for.
3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands.
4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, "May I take your order?"
12. When asked if they can take your order say, "Why, can I take yours?"
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.


Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week.

The exam was “fill in the blank” and the last question read, “Old MacDonald had a_____.” Bubba was stumped -- he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder. “Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?” Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed. He turned to Bubba and said, “Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM.”

“Oh yeah,” said Bubba, “I remember now.” he picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?”

“You are really dumb, Bubba. that's so easy,” hissed Tiny, “farm is spelled ‘E-I-E-I-O’.”


And Ihave to throw this one in.

Yo mama is so stupid, she has a glass door with a peep hole.

[carsey]

Loved them. The McDonalds one was completely cool.

[K-B]

Nice ones Henry!

[blackduck30]

5 Winning Smart *** Answers For 2006

Smart *** Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he
opened his trench coat and flashed at her.

Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket
not your stub."

*****************

Smart *** Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,
but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock
boy,

"Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."


*******************

Smart *** Answer #3:

The policeman got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for
speeding

rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

*******************

Smart *** Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right
ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and
walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

*******************

#1 SMART *** ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006....................


A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses f or you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal
injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no
other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart *** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and
snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at
the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd
have to write the exam with your other hand."

[carsey]

They were great Blackduck. Purely Brilliant

[ebackhus]

That last one was pure gold, man. Pure gold!

[Tiber Septim]

I liked the truck one. Pure genius.

[Glaswegian]

After having dug to a depth of 1000 metres last year,
Irish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came
to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 1000 years ago.


Not to be outdone by the Irish, in the weeks that followed
English scientist dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after
headlines in the UK newspapers read; 'English archaeologists have found
traces of 2000 year old fibre-optic cable and have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the Irish'.


One week later, Scottish newspapers reported the following:
'After digging as deep as 5000 metres in a Highland Glen, Scottish scientists
have found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, have concluded that
5000 years ago Scotland's inhabitants were already using wireless
technology'.

[carsey]

Great one. Like it.

[Glaswegian]

A Welsh rugby fan, a Scottish rugby fan and an English fan are all in Saudi
Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi
police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe
offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of being caught consuming
the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are
able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a
stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial
finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released
after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced:
"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of
you one wish before your whipping."

The Welsh fan was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:
"Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted
10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had
to be carried away bleeding and gasping with pain.

The Englishman was next up. After watching the Welshman in horror he said smugly:
"Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15
lashes before the whip went through again and the Englishman was soon led
away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The Scotsman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the
Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the
world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may
have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Scot replied. "In
recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but
100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also
very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100
lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it
to be?" the Sheikh asked.

"Tie the Englishman to my back.".

[carsey]

Good one. You could of changed it to tie the welshman though. lol

[Glaswegian]

Originally Posted by carsey

Good one. You could of changed it to tie the welshman though. lol

Where's the fun in that - for a Scot?

[carsey]

hmmm....Don't know. lol

[carsey]

A policeman saw a man walking down the street with a penguin. He told the man he should take the penguin to the zoo.'Good idea', the man replied, and off he went. The next day the policeman saw the man again, and he still had the penguin with him. 'I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo', the policeman said. 'I did', answered the man, 'and today I'm taking him to the movies!'

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My boss told me to use the colors green, pink, and yellow in a sentence and I would get a raise. What did I do? I told him, "When the phone goes "green! green!" I "pink" it up and say "yellow!"

---------------

There was a car full of nuns that were driving really slow. A police officer pulls them over and asked why they were going so slow. The head nun replies "Well, the sign over there says 23 and I was going 23 miles per hour." The officer says "No, thats the route number not the speed limit, you can go 55 miles per hour." The nun then says "Well that explains why the nuns were yelling at me earlier today." The officer asked why and the nun said "Well we just got off route 125!!"

----------------

3 Pigs walk into a bar. The first pig orders one drink then asked the bartender "where's the bathroom?" The bartender said "down the hall to the right." The second pig orders 2 drinks and asked the bartender "where's the bathroom?" "Down the hall to the right." The third pig orders 3 beers and asks for the bill. The bartender said "don't you want to go to the bathroom?" "No" said the pig. "I'm the pig that goes wee wee all the way home."

------------------

A scuba diver was 20 feet down under the water and saw a man without scuba gear. The man without the gear went down 20 more feet and the man with the gear followed. They kept doing that until they were at the bottom. Now the man with the gear is confused, so he takes a waterproof chalk and board out of his bag and writes "How the heck can you stay down here without any gear?" The man without the gear takes the eraser and then writes "I am drowning you moron!!!"

----------------------

Once there was a moron and her house was on fire so she called 9-1-1. The operator answered and said,"How do we get there?"

The moron said "DUH, USE THE BIG RED TRUCK!"

--------------

A boy had to use the bathroom really bad. His teacher told him first he had to say the ABC's. He said ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO_QRSTUVWXYZ. The teacher said "where's the P", and the boy said "its running down my leg!"

--------------

[K-B]

The scuba one was the best!

[karusho]

A stupid but miserly man was held in a stickup.

The mugger said, "Give me your money or I'll shoot you in the brain."

The idiot said, "Dur-hur, me no have brain."

The mugger said, "Fine, give me your money or I'll shoot you in the heart!"

The idiot said, "Har, me have hart of stone, no wait, steel."

The mugger said, "Very well, you leave me no choice. Give me your money or I'll shoot you in the balls."

[carsey]

Hmmm. Great 1. Would be painful being shot in the balls though. And also maybe the brain and heart IF you survived.

[forcifer]

is there a shorter word for monosylabic?