Joke Thread

[Zazula]

That was soooo funny, Glas!... Poor Englishman, chose the wrong train...

[elf]

Originally Posted by dm01

On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said "Today I am going to create a land called "Canada". It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty: it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon." God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants "Canadians", they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth." "But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?" "No, not really," God replied. "Just wait until you see the neighbours I am going to give them!"

that was vicious! but

[Glaswegian]

Needless to say there is a Scotland / England version of that joke. Naturally, Scotland is the beautiful country....

[Fr4665]

Originally Posted by Glaswegian

Needless to say there is a Scotland / England version of that joke. Naturally, Scotland is the beautiful country....

id agree lol

[sandman55]

Ha Ha Ha good one Glaswegian :D

[Dale Ward]

Mike sat at the bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression ye've e'er seen without a rope 'round its neck.

Pat asked, "What's the matter, Mike, boyo? Are ye havin' troubles with th' wife?"

Mike heaved a great, heavy sigh of sadness as a tear trickled slowly down his cheek. "Ah, sure an' it's trouble 'tis, Patrick. We had a fight, and she told me she would nae speak t' me fer a month."

"Well," said Pat, "T'ink o' th' bright side. That's a month o' quiet for ye, lad!"

Mike only hung his 'ead lower and cried, "Aye, 'tis true. An', dammitall, the month is up today!"

============================================================

Pat hobbled up to Mike at th' local tavern on a crutch, with a cast on one arm, 'is nose flattened, an' both eyes blacked.

"Faith an' Begorrah, man! What happened to ye?" Mike asked with genuine concern.

"O'Riley an' I had a little fallin' out", Pat replied sheepishly.

"O'Riley? But, he's just a wee fella," Mike said, surprised. "He musta 'ad somethin' in 'is hand."

"Aye, that he did", Pat said, downing a whisky. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord! A shovel, was it? And ye 'ad nothin' in yer own hand?"

"Aye, 'deed I did" Pat said. "An' a beautiful t'ing it was... but that part of Mrs. O'Riley is o' no use in a fight!"

[Glaswegian]

ROFL! Good ones!

[ebackhus]

Ha ha ha, these are great! MOAR!!

[carsey]

Love the jokes.

A Bill Gates Joke

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above NewJersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, BillGates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began tofill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, dude. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

[carsey]

Another Bill Gates Joke

Now that Bill Gates has moved into his brand spanking new house in the Seattle suburbs, the following is a conversation overheard last week:
Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."
Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."
Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."
Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."
Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."
Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture fails to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, re-enter the house and then you'll be back on track."
Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
Contractor: "Hey, remember, if you don't like it, nobody made you buy it."
Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house-which will be ready to release sometime near the end of 1998. Actually it was due out earlier this year, but we've had some delays..."

[K-B]

Loved them, carsey!

[carsey]

Thanks. Will look for somemore later tonight.

[Dale Ward]

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.

During one battle, The French captured an English major.

Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him.

The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why from that day to now, all French Army officers wear brown pants.
=========================================================

A blonde and a brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man enters, and he is absolutely perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff.

The man gets off on the 5th floor. Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."

To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"
=========================================================

There were three explorers, hiking through what is now known as Canada.

"You know," said one of the explorers, "we should name this place we're hiking through."

"I know," said the second explorer. "We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that."

"Okay," said the third, "I'll go first. C, eh."

The first fired back, "N, eh."

"D, eh," said the second hiker.

And that's how they named Canada...
=========================================================

An American, a Jew and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes.

Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Jew and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So, of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Jew was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his!"

[Glaswegian]

Good ones again!


An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they
hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and
yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would
shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and
come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"


Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced black magic,
because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their
neighbourhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake.

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to
celebrate as if there was no tomorrow.. Her neighbours, concerned
for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able
to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you
for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried
upside down....."

[ranjikvp]

Dick wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Dick looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Dick asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, Dick asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, "Lady leave me alone! I'm married!"

Moral
Self-induced hangover -- Rs. 2000.00
Broken furniture -- Rs. 20,000.00
Breakfast -- Rs. 100.00

Saying The Right Thing While Drunk - PRICELESS

[ebackhus]

I've always liked that one!

[Fr4665]

all are good especially the british one hahaha i sued to reanact in the civil war reanactment as the british lol. on the other hand the last one is very good i liked that and the bill gates ones rocked lol

[carsey]

Originally Posted by Fr4665

all are good especially the british one hahaha i sued to reanact in the civil war reanactment as the british lol. on the other hand the last one is very good i liked that and the bill gates ones rocked lol

Thanks... Im off now to look for some more.

[ebackhus]

1. All teams must make the state playoffs and all MUST win the championship. If a team does not win the championship they will be on probation until they are champions, and coaches will be held accountable.

If after two years the have not won the championship, their footballs and equipment will be taken away UNTIL the do win the championship.

2. All kids will be expected to have the same football skills at the same time evven if they do not have the same condition or opportunities to practice on their own. NO exceptions will be made for lack of interest in football, a desire to perform athletically, or genetic abilities or disabilities of themselves or their parents. ALL KIDS WILL PLAY FOOTBALL AT A PROFICIENT LEVEL!

3. Talented players will be asked to workout on their own, without instruction. This is because the coaches will be using all their instructional time with the athletes who aren't interested in football, have limited atheltic ability or whose parents don't like football.

4. Games will be playes year round, but statistics will only be kept in the 4th, 8th, and 11th game.

It will create a New Age of Sports where every schill is expected to have the same level of talent and all teams will reach the same minimum goals. If no child gets ahead, then no child gets left behind. If parents do not like this new law, they are encouraged to vote for vouchers and support private schools that can screen out the non-athletes and prevent their children from having to go to school with bad football players.

[forcifer]

lol. i really hate that act. one stupid kid brings down 100 smart ones =.=