Joke Thread

[Zazula]

Originally Posted by ebackhus

I've seen a few variations of this, is it legit?

No, it's not ( http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/mcdonald.htm), but it's still funny - so who cares?

[jernelsingh]

A man got a call from his doctor who said 'I have some bad news and some terrible news, which would you rather hear first?'
The man says 'The bad news.'
The doctor says 'The lab messed up your tests and when they re-did them, they found out you only have 48 hours to live!'
The man exclaimed 'What could be more terrible than that!!??'
The doctor replied 'we tried all day yesterday to get hold of you but your phone was busy!'

[Glaswegian]

Some ridiculous newspaper headlines............


IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED

PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE

PANDA MATING FAILS - VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER

NJ JUDGE TO RULE ON NUDE BEACH

CHILD'S STOOL GREAT FOR USE IN GARDEN

DR. RUTH TO TALK ABOUT S3X WITH NEWSPAPER EDITORS

EYE DROPS OFF SHELF

SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM

DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK AT NOON

ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX

LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE - ONE DIES

TWO SISTERS REUNITE AFTER EIGHTEEN YEARS AT CHECKOUT COUNTER

NICARAGUA SETS GOAL TO WIPE OUT LITERACY

DRUNK DRIVERS PAID $1,000 IN 1984

AUTOS KILLING 110 A DAY, LET'S RESOLVE TO DO BETTER

IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY IT MAY LAST A WHILE

WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE

SMOKERS ARE PRODUCTIVE, BUT DEATH CUTS EFFICIENCY

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

BLIND WOMAN GETS NEW KIDNEY FROM DAD SHE HASN'T SEEN IN YEARS

MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN

SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERTS SAY

DEATH CAUSES LONELINESS, FEELING OF ISOLATION

[K-B]

oh ho ho ho. super funny! these are my favs
BLIND WOMAN GETS NEW KIDNEY FROM DAD SHE HASN'T SEEN IN YEARS

MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN

[karusho]

DEATH CAUSES LONELINESS, FEELING OF ISOLATION

Because anyone can imagine how lonely being stuck in a coffin is.

[wootmachine9000]

ARRRR.. In case ye didn't know today be Talk Like a Pirate Day. So here are some of me favorite pirate jokes.

1) A pirate captain walks into a bar with his first mate and they sit down at the bar. Now, the pirate captain has been a little down on his luck in the world of women, know what I mean? His first mate notices some lovely piratical wenches across the bar.

"Arr, cap'n, you should go o'er thar and talk to her, ask her to dance, aye?"

The captain replied "Arrrr, but what about me one eye? What if she makes fun of it?"

"Don't worry cap'n," said the first mate. "She only has one leg! She won't say anything with that one peg leg."

Convinced, the captain went over and immediately impressed the lady as pirates will do. He asked her if she'd like to dance.

"Would EYE, Would EYE!" she exclaimed.

"Oh yeah? Well... Peg Leg! Peg Leg!" replied the insulted captain!

2) A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!" The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances

The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: "Now yee've done it!! Now we're goon to have to pee in the boat!"

3) Why didn't the pirate rent the new "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie?

He didn't have a VCRRRRRRRRRR!

4) Why was the pirate ship so shiny?

Because they used vARRRRRRRRnish!

5) What do a pirate and a **** have in common?

They both say "Yo Ho!"

[Glaswegian]

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window..

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no.

Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[karusho]

Ha! Pwned!

[Glaswegian]

A US Navy cruiser is anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the
wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain,

Thursday will be my daughter Joy's Debutante Ball. I would like you to
send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal
dress uniforms to attend the dance.

They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite
Southern Conversation.

They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely
refined young ladies.

One last point: No Jews Please."

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Joy's Mother heard a polite rap at the
door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four handsome,
smiling black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There
must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldstein never makes a
mistake."

[karusho]

I don't get it.

[ebackhus]

I don't get it either, but on the topic of the US South...

Some Arkansas etiquette tips... My apologies to friends from Texas, North Carolina, West Virginia, and other parts of the country who may feel left out.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewellery and alter the taste of finger foods.

DINING OUT

When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

DATING (Outside the Family)

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested "I've been wanting to go out with you since........
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 1000 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back soft drinks and a candy bar.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

[Zazula]

Don't worry, Glas, that others didn't get it - I got it!...

[Glaswegian]

Nice ones EB!!

Zaz, I can't believe the Americans don't get that joke. Let's try this one:


A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of
dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I
give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.

"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. " I haven't had my hair done in
20 years!"

"Well, " said the woman, " I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.

The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your hubby be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.

[yustr]

Originally Posted by Zazula

Don't worry, Glas, that others didn't get it - I got it!...

This American got it. Some people just don't have the ability to laugh at themselves.

Yuk Yuk, Glas. I spend my money on wine, women and song. The rest I blow.

[K-B]

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a
demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand
dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with
Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains
mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so
he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss
into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could
come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be
happy about it."

[ebackhus]

Originally Posted by yustr

This American got it. Some people just don't have the ability to laugh at themselves.

Yuk Yuk, Glas. I spend my money on wine, women and song. The rest I blow.

I dunno, I just didn't see what the funny part was. 4 officers arrive and the woman is shocked. Then one says that the Captian never makes a mistake.

*confused*

[yustr]

The good southern lady didn't want a Jewish officer. So Capt Goldstein (likely Jewish) sent 4 black officers - which the good southern lady probably didn't want even more.

[K-B]

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania .



This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.



SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County



Dear Mr. DeVries:



It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:



*Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.



A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.



A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.



The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.



Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.



Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.



We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.



Sincerely,

David L. Price

District Representative and Water Management Division.



Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:



Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County



Dear Mr. Price,



Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania .



A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.



As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.



My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or

(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?



If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.



I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.



If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.



In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).



So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.



In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.



If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)



Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.



THANK YOU.

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

[ebackhus]

Ha ha ha, that is awesome!

Anyone have a copy of the letter sent to a woman regarding a warrant for an arrest for a crime she could not have commited due to not having been born at the time?

[Glaswegian]

I really didn't think I joke I received, from America, would cause such confusion....

Thanks for explaining yustr, I was losing the will to live for a while there........