Joke Thread - Page 21

**Glaswegian** · 08-22-2006, 02:29 PM

President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordans." Bush said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" Bush is a little perplexed by this and said, "But, son, you don't look like you're handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!"

ebackhus · 08-22-2006, 02:49 PM

Ha ha ha, I loved it!

**sandman55** · 08-22-2006, 08:53 PM

Good one Glaswegian.

**Glaswegian** · 08-24-2006, 03:45 PM

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it
goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the
smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing
and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck
and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of
bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh
buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

**karusho** · 08-24-2006, 04:45 PM

But the toilet paper is doing it's job: absorbing ****.

**Glaswegian** · 08-30-2006, 03:12 PM

BELIEVE it or not, These are REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

**K-B** · 08-30-2006, 06:58 PM

OMG!! ROFLMAO!!

nice one

tetonbob · 08-30-2006, 09:56 PM

One-wish Genie.

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The
amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...What'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See
this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I
want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will
bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, please be reasonable.
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of
shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not
THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be
reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to
find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook
and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my
family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...........a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the freaking map again."

**karusho** · 08-30-2006, 10:59 PM

that's from lol.com...

**sandman55** · 08-31-2006, 05:02 AM

I copied this from OCAU

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have anymore children. The doctor told him that was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

**This procedure also works in Tennessee, Arkansas, Virginia, Mississippi, West Virginia, and Florida.

**Glaswegian** · 08-31-2006, 06:35 AM

LOL - also works in parts of Glasgow too I believe........

Good one as well Bob.

**K-B** · 08-31-2006, 06:36 AM

ouch!

**Glaswegian** · 08-31-2006, 04:18 PM

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other
monks copy the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from
the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question
this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first
copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in
all of the subsequent copies.

The abbot, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him
banging his head against the wall and wailing,
"We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The
young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

CELEBRATE!!!"

ebackhus · 09-02-2006, 08:21 AM

Oh man that would bite!

**K-B** · 09-12-2006, 04:27 AM

**Glaswegian** · 09-12-2006, 06:21 AM

Good one Kyle!!

**K-B** · 09-12-2006, 05:35 PM

laughter is contagious...especially with hilarious people!

ebackhus · 09-13-2006, 11:25 AM

lol japan

jernelsingh · 09-14-2006, 03:01 PM

Job Application*

This is a job application of a boy.

Please read it.

It's so hilarious.

This kid will go far!!

This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a
McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........and they hired him
because he was so honest and funny!

* NAME:* Greg Bulmash

*SEX:* Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

*DESIRED POSITION:* Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the firstplace.

*DESIRED SALARY:* $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can
haggle.

*EDUCATION:* Yes.

*LAST POSITION HELD:* Target for middle management hostility.

*SALARY: *Less than I'm worth.

*MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:* My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.

*REASON FOR LEAVING: *It sucked.

*AVAILABLE TO WORK:* Of course! That's what I'm applying.

*PREFERRED HOURS:* 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday,Tuesday, and Thursday.

*DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:* Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment.

*MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:* If I had one, would I be here?

*DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 LBS?*: Of what?

*DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:* I think the more appropriate question here would be
"Do you have a car that runs?"

*HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?*: I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

*DO YOU SMOKE?: *On the job, no; on my breaks, yes.

*WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:* Living in the Bahamas with
a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

*DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?:* Yes. Absolutely.

*SIGN HERE:* Aries.

Sometimes being honest and funny doesn't hurt. It actually gets you
attention!

ebackhus · 09-14-2006, 03:29 PM

I've seen a few variations of this, is it legit?

08-22-2006, 02:29 PM	#401 (permalink)
Glaswegian Moderator/ Rangemaster TSF Academy; Analyst, Security Team; Oor Wullie; TSF Surgeon and Resident Comic Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Glasgow Posts: 25,488 OS: Win XP Pro SP3 / Win 7 Pro My System Blog Entries: 10	President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One." The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordans." Bush said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!" The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" Bush is a little perplexed by this and said, "But, son, you don't look like you're handicapped." The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!" __________________ Iain - Defender of the Haggis and all things Scottish. I don't help by PM - post in the Forums. PC Safety & Security::PC running a bit slow?::Donate::Photographers Corner

08-22-2006, 02:49 PM	#402 (permalink)
ebackhus Manager, Design Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: SATX Posts: 14,275 OS: WinXP Pro SP3/Windows 7 RTM My System Blog Entries: 28	Ha ha ha, I loved it! __________________ ----------------------------- There are no dumb questions, unless a customer is asking them. Help in the fight against cancer and other serious illnesses.

08-24-2006, 03:45 PM	#404 (permalink)
Glaswegian Moderator/ Rangemaster TSF Academy; Analyst, Security Team; Oor Wullie; TSF Surgeon and Resident Comic Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Glasgow Posts: 25,488 OS: Win XP Pro SP3 / Win 7 Pro My System Blog Entries: 10	The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn. I don't buy toilet paper there any more. __________________ Iain - Defender of the Haggis and all things Scottish. I don't help by PM - post in the Forums. PC Safety & Security::PC running a bit slow?::Donate::Photographers Corner

08-30-2006, 03:12 PM	#406 (permalink)
Glaswegian Moderator/ Rangemaster TSF Academy; Analyst, Security Team; Oor Wullie; TSF Surgeon and Resident Comic Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Glasgow Posts: 25,488 OS: Win XP Pro SP3 / Win 7 Pro My System Blog Entries: 10	BELIEVE it or not, These are REAL 911 Calls! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why? Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich. Dispatcher: Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher: Was anything else taken? Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid. Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart. Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband! And the winner is.......... Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police. __________________ Iain - Defender of the Haggis and all things Scottish. I don't help by PM - post in the Forums. PC Safety & Security::PC running a bit slow?::Donate::Photographers Corner

08-30-2006, 06:58 PM	#407 (permalink)
K-B Moderator, Linux Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: NY Posts: 2,878 OS: Vista, Ubuntu My System	OMG!! ROFLMAO!! nice one __________________

08-22-2006, 08:53 PM	#403 (permalink)
sandman55 TSF Enthusiast Join Date: May 2005 Location: Australia Posts: 5,528 OS: WinXP Pro SP3	Good one Glaswegian.

08-24-2006, 04:45 PM	#405 (permalink)
karusho TSF Enthusiast Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Silicon Valley Posts: 1,217 OS: Windows XP SP2, Windows Vista SP1, Ubuntu 8.04 My System	But the toilet paper is doing it's job: absorbing ****.

08-30-2006, 09:56 PM	#408 (permalink)
tetonbob Manager, Security Center, TSF Academy; Analyst, Security Team Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Transylvania County, North Carolina, USA Posts: 35,601 OS: 2000 Pro; XP Pro; XP Home	One-wish Genie. A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...What'll it be?" The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony." The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, please be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable." The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...........a good man." The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the freaking map again." __________________ Practice Safe Surfing PC Safety and Security--What Do I Need? Because what you don't know, CAN hurt you. Proud Member of ASAP since 2005 Proud Member of UNITE since 2006 Microsoft MVP - Consumer Security 2009

08-30-2006, 10:59 PM	#409 (permalink)
karusho TSF Enthusiast Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Silicon Valley Posts: 1,217 OS: Windows XP SP2, Windows Vista SP1, Ubuntu 8.04 My System	that's from lol.com...

08-31-2006, 05:02 AM	#410 (permalink)
sandman55 TSF Enthusiast Join Date: May 2005 Location: Australia Posts: 5,528 OS: WinXP Pro SP3	Red Neck Birth Control I copied this from OCAU After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have anymore children. The doctor told him that was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand. **This procedure also works in Tennessee, Arkansas, Virginia, Mississippi, West Virginia, and Florida.

08-31-2006, 06:35 AM	#411 (permalink)
Glaswegian Moderator/ Rangemaster TSF Academy; Analyst, Security Team; Oor Wullie; TSF Surgeon and Resident Comic Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Glasgow Posts: 25,488 OS: Win XP Pro SP3 / Win 7 Pro My System Blog Entries: 10	LOL - also works in parts of Glasgow too I believe........ Good one as well Bob. __________________ Iain - Defender of the Haggis and all things Scottish. I don't help by PM - post in the Forums. PC Safety & Security::PC running a bit slow?::Donate::Photographers Corner

08-31-2006, 06:36 AM	#412 (permalink)
K-B Moderator, Linux Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: NY Posts: 2,878 OS: Vista, Ubuntu My System	ouch! __________________

08-31-2006, 04:18 PM	#413 (permalink)
Glaswegian Moderator/ Rangemaster TSF Academy; Analyst, Security Team; Oor Wullie; TSF Surgeon and Resident Comic Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Glasgow Posts: 25,488 OS: Win XP Pro SP3 / Win 7 Pro My System Blog Entries: 10	A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks copy the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The abbot, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE!!!" __________________ Iain - Defender of the Haggis and all things Scottish. I don't help by PM - post in the Forums. PC Safety & Security::PC running a bit slow?::Donate::Photographers Corner

09-02-2006, 08:21 AM	#414 (permalink)
ebackhus Manager, Design Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: SATX Posts: 14,275 OS: WinXP Pro SP3/Windows 7 RTM My System Blog Entries: 28	Oh man that would bite! __________________ ----------------------------- There are no dumb questions, unless a customer is asking them. Help in the fight against cancer and other serious illnesses.

09-12-2006, 04:27 AM	#415 (permalink)
K-B Moderator, Linux Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: NY Posts: 2,878 OS: Vista, Ubuntu My System	__________________

09-12-2006, 06:21 AM	#416 (permalink)
Glaswegian Moderator/ Rangemaster TSF Academy; Analyst, Security Team; Oor Wullie; TSF Surgeon and Resident Comic Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Glasgow Posts: 25,488 OS: Win XP Pro SP3 / Win 7 Pro My System Blog Entries: 10	Good one Kyle!! __________________ Iain - Defender of the Haggis and all things Scottish. I don't help by PM - post in the Forums. PC Safety & Security::PC running a bit slow?::Donate::Photographers Corner

09-12-2006, 05:35 PM	#417 (permalink)
K-B Moderator, Linux Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: NY Posts: 2,878 OS: Vista, Ubuntu My System	laughter is contagious...especially with hilarious people! __________________

09-13-2006, 11:25 AM	#418 (permalink)
ebackhus Manager, Design Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: SATX Posts: 14,275 OS: WinXP Pro SP3/Windows 7 RTM My System Blog Entries: 28	lol japan __________________ ----------------------------- There are no dumb questions, unless a customer is asking them. Help in the fight against cancer and other serious illnesses.

09-14-2006, 03:01 PM	#419 (permalink)
jernelsingh Registered User Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: USA,Ohio Posts: 227 OS: win 2003 ,Win XP	Job Application* Job Application* This is a job application of a boy. Please read it. It's so hilarious. This kid will go far!! This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! * NAME:* Greg Bulmash SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the firstplace. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. AVAILABLE TO WORK: Of course! That's what I'm applying. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday,Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no; on my breaks, yes. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely. SIGN HERE: Aries. Sometimes being honest and funny doesn't hurt. It actually gets you attention!

09-14-2006, 03:29 PM	#420 (permalink)
ebackhus Manager, Design Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: SATX Posts: 14,275 OS: WinXP Pro SP3/Windows 7 RTM My System Blog Entries: 28	I've seen a few variations of this, is it legit? __________________ ----------------------------- There are no dumb questions, unless a customer is asking them. Help in the fight against cancer and other serious illnesses.