Joke Thread

[Sealy]

LOL Wonder if that did the trick?

[DumberDrummer]

Ya it did. The statie ripped up the ticket, remember.

[GICodeWarrior]

I thought you guys might get a kick out of this. Read the line under where it says welcome back.

~GICodeWarrior

PS. Here is the original http://www.csh.rit.edu/~gicode/image...tforum.com.bmp

[Horse]

A man pays his grandparents a visit. Pulling into the driveway, he is flabbergasted to see his grandpa shivering in a rocking chair on the porch, naked from the waist down.

"What are you doing?" he shouts, running over with a blanket from the car.

The old man looks into the distance without answering. "Gramps" the man perseveres, "why are you sitting here with nothing on down below?" Slowly the old man turns his head to greet his grandson.

"Last week I sat here without my shirt on and got a stiff neck," he wheezes.

"This is your grandmothers idea............"

[DumberDrummer]

[badger]

two bass drums and a cymbol fall off the back of a lorry.

boom boom chsss.



(yes, I know, It works better in real life...)

What goes Klippity Klop, Klippity Klop, Bang Bang?
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An Amish drive by shooting................................

[badger]

i don't get it

[Chevy]

Originally Posted by SPEEDO

.

An Amish drive by shooting................................

Boooo ......

[Horse]

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults hide at least one dark secret and that makes it easy to blackmail them by saying,

"I KNOW THE WHOLE TRUTH", Even when you don't know a thing. The boy decides to go home and try it out...

As he greets his mother he says: " I KNOW THE WHOLE TRUTH."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says "Just don’t tell your father".

Quite pleased the boy waits for his father to get home from work and says, "I KNOW THE WHOLE TRUTH." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Don’t say a word to your Mom."

Very pleased the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I KNOW THE WHOLE TRUTH,"

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says: “IN THAT CASE COME GIVE DADDY A BIG HUG."

[Chevy]

A Gentleman goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion, and is
inspired to take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived
and died.

* * * While on vacation his mother-in-law dies. An undertaker in Tel Aviv
* * * explains that they can ship the body home to Wisconsin at a cost of
* * * $10,000 or the mother-in-law could be buried in Israel for U.S.
* * * $500. *The man says, "We'll ship her home."

* * * The undertaker asks, Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and
* * * we can do a very nice burial here. The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago
* * they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead.
* * I just can't take that chance."

[wackysims]

[DumberDrummer]

Here is a rather corny joke, heard it on "Whose Line is it Anyway?"

And yes, I know most of these people are dead.

There was a special news bulletin the other day. Seems John Entwistle, Pete Townshend, and Keith Moon broke into the animal shelter and released all the Doberman Pinschers. The police say they finally have enough evidence to prove that "The Who let the dogs out"

[idtent]

5."I'm sorry, Wing-Ma took the morning off for maternity leave. She'll be back after lunch."

4."Boy, what a commute this morning. My bus plunged off a mountainside -- again!"

3."Hi, my name is Bob Deathtoamerica. How may I help you?"

2."Would you like to add the extended service agreement for an additional 80 wildebeest furs?"

1."I am sorry, but it is quite sunny here today, so I have no place to stick your overdraft notice."

[idtent]

A woman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in. During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.



"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the woman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."



The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, "Good trade."

[idtent]

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your damn cat."

[DumberDrummer]

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the heck have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - heck, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!"

[DumberDrummer]

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

Chief exclaimed,"All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop:"Bigger."

Chief:"Governor?"

Cop:"Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief,"Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief:"What makes you think it's God?"

Cop:"He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

[DumberDrummer]

A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.

"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"

POOF! He gets his Pepsi and drinks it.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.

"I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside."

POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish:

"I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

POOF! He's back in his government office.

[DumberDrummer]

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road??


GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL
Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANZ BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq ambassador)
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it-the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historical inevitability.

VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one !?!?? '

That's enough for now....