Joke Thread

[K-B]

Originally Posted by sandman55

This is a good one

oh man, I gotta sue you for busting my gut. That was the funniest thing I've seen in a long time

[sandman55]

Hung Chow calls into work and says,

"Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick.

Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.

When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.

That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.

"Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.

You got nice house!"

[K-B]

How do you pronounce a chinaman's last name?






Throw a tin can on a metal roof.

[Glaswegian]

Dear Makers of Tide Detergent:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of
my married life, as my mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! About a month ago, I
spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring
husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative and, to my surprise and satisfaction; all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder
suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.

Well, gotta go. Have to write to the Hefty Bag people.

[ebackhus]

...o.0

I likey! I'll post a thing or two later.

[forcifer]

its been a while, so time to unload:

AOL never has bugs-it just develops random features.

A group of chest enthusiasts checked into a hotel and wre standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournement victories. after about an hour the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because" responded the manager, "i cant stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer"

How many tech support folks does it take to change a light bulb?
we have the same light bulb here, and its working fine. can you tell me what kind of system you have? ok. Now, exactly how dark is it? ok, there could be four or five things wrong...have you tried the light switch?

how many university of Iowa freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
none, thats a sophmore class.

how many IRS agents does it take to skrew in a light bulb?
only one, but it REALLY gets skrewed.

how many college football players does it take to skrew in a light bulb?
the entire team! and they all get a semester's credit for it.

how many TSF members does it take to change a light bulb?
we have recieved your request concerning your hardware problem, and have assigned your request Service Number 38725. please use this number for any future referenceto this light bulb issue. as soon as a technician becaomes advailibel, you will be contacted.

how many liberals does it take to skrew in a light bulb?
5. one to skrew it in, 4 to skrew it up.

in orthodox familys, the man makes the coffee because in Scripture it says, "Hebrews."

why dont amish water ski?
the horses would drown

Three couples- an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple, and a young newlywed couple- wanted to join a baptist church. the paster says, "we have a special requirement for new parishioners. you must abstain ffrom having sex for 2 weeks."
the couples agree and come back at the end of 2 weeks.
the paster goes up to the elderly couple and asks,"were you abple to apstain from sex for the two weeks?"
the old man replies, "no problem at all, pastor." "congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
the pastor goes to the middle aged couple. he asks them, "were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
teh man replies, "the first week was not that bad. the seccond week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple nights, but yes, we made it."
and the pastor does the same thing with the elderly couple, congragulating them.
then the pastor goes to the newly wed coupld and asks, "wer YOU able to abstain from sex for 2 weeks?" "well pastor, we were not able to abstain for sex for the 2 weeks." the young man replies.
"what happened?" asked the pastor.
"my wife was reaching for a light bulb on the top shelf and dropped it. when she bent over to pick it up, i couldnt help my self. we made love right there on the floor." the pastor says "Well then, you are not welcome in the baptist chruch!"
"that's ok," says the young man. "we arnt welcome in the grocery store anymore, either."

(very tired hands)

a man went to chruch, and afterword he stopped to shake the preachers hand and said, "Father, ill tell you, that was a d@**ed fine sermon. d@**ed good." the preacher said, "thank you, sir, but id rather you didnt use that sort of language in the house of the Lord."
the man said, "i was so d*** impressed that i put $5000 in the collection plate."
"No sh**?" responded the Preacher.

A Scottsman went into a bar and asked, "what is the fastest way to London?" and the bartender responded, "are ye walking for drivin?" and the Scot responded, "driving." then the bartender said, "that the fastest way."

why cant Helen Keller drive? because she is a woman.

what was Helen Keller's favorite color? corduroy.

This customer comes into the computer store. "im looking for a mystery adventure game with lots of graphics. you know, something really challenging." the clerk responds, "have you tried windows XP?"

Women-So give it to me straight, doctor. i want to know the truth.
doctor- very well. your husband is in terrible shape, and if you want him to live, your going to have to make sure he is well fed and comfortible and happy at all time, and you are going to have to make love to him 3 times a day.
women- 3 times a day?
doctor- 3 times a day.
Husband- so, what did the doctor say?
women- he says you're going to die.

the reason New Yorkers are depressed is because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

Martha Stewart has a new recipe for chicken casserole. you boil the chicken and dump the stock.

thats it for now. ill post more later. hands are sore...

[elf]

How many tech support folks does it take to change a light bulb?
we have the same light bulb here, and its working fine. can you tell me what kind of system you have? ok. Now, exactly how dark is it? ok, there could be four or five things wrong...have you tried the light switch?

[sandman55]

This was funny

[elf]

I think that one was told earlier, but not in a comic strip like that.

[ebackhus]

I'm glad we don't deal with this...

Dear Tech Support,

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!

Sincerely,
XXX



Dear XXX,

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support



Follow-up mail from tech support:

Dear XXX,

Your Husband 1.0 has been infected with the Mistress 2.1 virus. Try
Divorce 3.5 to remove present headaches.

Tech support

[95five-0]

A guy asked a woman to marry him. She said NO! And the guy drank as much beer as he wanted, farted whenever he wanted, and stayed out as late as he wanted, and lived happily ever after!

[Spatcher]

A bear and a rabbit were taking a sh** in the forest.
The bear leaned over and asked the rabbit, "Hey buddy, does your poop stick to your fur?"
The rabbit said not really, and the bear grabbed the rabbit and used him as toilet paper.

[Glaswegian]

As we head towards the start of the World Cup, BBC commentators have been issued with guidelines to ensure that they remain impartial at all times.


1 -Within 1 minute of kick off in the opening match (Germany v Costa Rica), the commentator must mention England.

2 - Regardless of what two teams are contesting the final, England have to be mentioned within the first minute.

3 - The commentator shall refer to the Falkland Isles in passing at some point in the match if England play Argentina.

4 - Whenever a hat trick is scored, comparisons with Geoff Hurst will be made within seconds of the third goal hitting the net.

5 - Should England wear their red jerseys, then '1966' should be mentioned approximately 20 times.

6 - 1966 will be mentioned approximately 10 times a match, or only on 4 or 5 occasions for matches not involving England.

7 - Prior to the captain of the winning team lifting the trophy, the commentator will mention Bobby Moore. And 1966.

8 - When Germany are playing, they must be referred to as being arrogant by the commentator on at least 14 occasions. This must refer to their style, their passing, their haircuts and their general footballing ability.

9 - Should England play Germany, mentions of Winston Churchill, Dambusters, The Luftwaffe and Adolf Hitler will be compulsory. And 1966.

10 - All Scottish members of our commentary team must continue to refer to England as "we" and "us".

11 - We must ensure that nationlistic stereotypes are adhered to. Of course, the Germans are arrogant. The Spanish are bottlers, The Ivory Coast are fast but bad at defending, The Angolans are disorganised, The Argentinians are cheats and the French are only good because their best players play in England.

12 - For matches not involving England, we must only discuss the players that are playing in England. (eg - Holland v Argentina should be referred to as Van Nistelroy v Crespo).

13 - The mythical "bulldog spirit" phrase should be used as often as possible.

14 - Each match involving England should begin with the phrase "England Expects."

15 - Should any player be involved in an injury that involves the loss of teeth, then references to Nobby Stiles and 1966 are compulsory.

16 - If in doubt, mention 1966.

17 - Praise all of the stunning new stadiums in Germany but emphasise that they lack the presence of Wembley, the spiritual home of football since 1966.

18 - Commentators should feel free to imitate the style of Kenneth Wolstenholme, the hero of 1966.

19 - Should any team feature brothers playing together, then Jackie and Bobby Charlton should be mentioned.

20 - When England bow out after the first stage, we must emphasise that it is a massive blow to football and a serious loss to the World Cup.

[sandman55]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w"with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas!

[ebackhus]

Ha ha ha, awesome!

[K-B]

ROFL

[Adonsia]

The men may find this humorous as well.

This is a laugh for all those women out there who so
look forward to that wonderful time once a year when
they get to be "intimate" with their OB/GYN doctor! In
Sydney, Australia, one of the radio stations
pays($1000-$5000) for people to tell their most
embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner
$5000....

I was due later in the week for an appointment with
the gynecologist. Early one morning I received a call
from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been
rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had
only just packed everyone off to work and school,
and it was already around 8:45 a.m. The trip to his
office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any
time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a
little extra effort over hygiene when making
such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able
to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw
off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth that was
sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash
in "that area" to make sure it was at least
presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes
basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and
raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room
only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing
the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the
table, looked over at the other side of the room and
pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a
million miles away. I was a little surprised when the
doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this
morning, haven't we?" but I didn't respond. When the
appointment was over, I heaved a sigh of relief and
went home. The rest of the day was normal...some
shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my
six-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from
the bathroom, "Mum, where's my washcloth?" I told her
to get another one from the cupboard. She replied,
"No, I need the one that was here by the
sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

*****

Two women go out one Friday night without their husbands. As they head back home, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. The only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
-
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties, used them to clean herself and discarded them.
-
The second not finding anything either, thought, "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
-
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other, " We have to be on the lookout. It seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties."
-
The other responded, "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her a-- that read, "We will never forget you."

*****

Mustard

This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this
father.

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.

It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon'."

[Glaswegian]

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge,
he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:
"Free to good home. You want it, you take it".
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:
"Fridge for sale $50".
The next day someone stole it. Caution ...

They Walk Among Us!
=========

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my
brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she
shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

They Walk Among Us!
=========

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a
call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I
told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He
responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call
quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . . . . .

They Walk Among Us!
=========

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn
she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but
"didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". . . . . . . . .

They Walk Among Us!
=========

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk .

They Walk Among Us!
=========

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
They Walk Among Us!

=========

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip
out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and
ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. . . .

They Walk Among Us!
========

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional
and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

They Walk Among Us!
========

While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to
go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

Yep, They Walk Among Us too.
They walk among us, and REPRODUCE!

[K-B]

that was super

[Glaswegian]

Hope you like these - based on stick man drawings..........