Joke Thread

[forcifer]

sorry for double post, but i couldnt wait on this one:

did you here about the kansan who won a gold metal at the olympics? he was so proud, he had it bronzed

[Glaswegian]

Like it F.


A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

[forcifer]

haha thats a good one. (you couldnt).

did you know that a kansan invinted the toilet? yes, but the texan put the hole in it

[ReeKorl]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you've sinned and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads" says Tommy.

----------------

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" with a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," and then turned to Mary and continued;
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

----------------

The Modern Day Commandments (For Men)

1. Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed by his mates.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. It is OK for a man to cry under the following Circumstances:
   1. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
   2. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
   3. After wrecking your boss' car.
   4. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
   5. When she is using her teeth
4. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. f you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
7. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
9. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
10. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
11. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
12. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.
13. Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.
14. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
19. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.
20. If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
21. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a Mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
22. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
    1. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
    2. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
    3. Another set and we can hit the showers!
23. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
24. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
25. You cannot grass on a colleague who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loud speaker every seven minutes.
26. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
27. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than 1.5 litres.
28. Thou shall not really buy a car with less than 1.8 litres, 16 valves, and a turbo.
29. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
30. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 2.

[Glaswegian]

Good ones ReeKorl


A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"!




A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Helloooooo," answered the blonde, "they're watch dogs!!"

[Glaswegian]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPER HIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION." 6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED." 9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" -She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL A*S - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED." 10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE".

[MoralTerror]

A drunk man who smells like the brewery sits down on the subway next to a priest. The man's tie is stained, his face plastered in red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was hanging out his torn coat pocket. He opens his newspaper and begins to read.

A few minutes later he turns to the priest and asks

"Hey Father what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies "My Son it is caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man,sleeping around with prostitutes and a lack of bathing".

The drunk muttered "Well I'll be damned", and returns to reading his newspaper.

The priest thinking about what he had said nudges the man and says "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong, how long have you had arthritis?

The man replies "I don't have it Father, I was just reading the Pope does."

[nickster_uk]

Not sure if this has been posted already...

A middle-aged man marries a younger woman but discovers that no matter what he does in bed, she won't orgasm.

So he takes the problem to his doctor who explains that maybe fantasy sex is the answer.

So the man hires a young, charming male escort and has him stand naked while waving a towel over the couple as they are having sex. They try it but to no avail.

The man goes back to his doctor who suggests trying things the opposite way around, with the escort having sex with the woman whilst the man waves the towel.

Now becoming desperate, the man gets the same escort and tries the doctor's method.

Soon the woman bursts into a great orgasm and the man throws down the towel, taps the escort on the shoulder and shouts triumphantly, "See, thats how you wave a bloody towel!"

[nickster_uk]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hitman," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look?..."

"I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!

What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The *****!" He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, £1000 every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a £1000 here....."

[nickster_uk]

A class of school children filed back into class Monday morning.

They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made £30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made £45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "£2,467," he said.

"£2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a free sample.

They all said the same thing. "Hey, this tastes like ****!" Then I would say, "It is, wanna buy a toothbrush?"

[nickster_uk]

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making
dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to
tell his mother what he wanted. "Mum, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Johny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Johny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for
his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did.

Johnny's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write
God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Johnny

Johnny knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God, This is your friend Johnny. I have been a pretty good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Johnny

Johnny knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Johnny

Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. Johnny was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go church.

"Just be home in time for dinner", his mother said.

Johnny walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there.

He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary and slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and
a pen. Johnny began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4:
I'VE GOT YOUR MOM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed
YOU KNOW WHO

[nickster_uk]

Q: How do you make a cheese roll?
A: Push it down a hill!

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick!

Q: What's blue and smells of paint?
A: Blue paint!

Q: What do you get it you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?
A: A wooly jumper!

Q: What's black and white and read (red) all over?
A: A newspaper! (or a sunburnt penguin!)

She loves 'em!!!!

[forcifer]

so a person is walking to the doctors office and sees a nun running and screaming from the room. so the person askes the doctor, "why was the nun running and screaming?" "well" the doctor said, "i examined her, and said that she was pregnant." "is she?" said the person. "nope. but it did cure her hiccups!"

[nickster_uk]

A guy married his childhood sweetheart and they set up home to live happily ever after. Unfortunately, his 'tool' was quite a bit small, so every time they had sex he used a pickle instead.

For seven years, he done the same thing during sex. One night his wife started to suspect that something was wrong so while they are having sex she quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights!

The woman said, "What the hell is that, are you using a pickle on me. I am disgusted, and for seven years you have been doing that, you piece of ****."

So the man said, "Shut up! It's been seven years and I never asked where the hell those kids came from!"

[ebackhus]

Ha ha ha, owned!

[nickster_uk]

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an air plane.

The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game.

The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep.

The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me £5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you £5."

Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me £5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you £50! "
Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game.

The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer £5.

Now, its the Engineers turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?"

The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer £50.

The Engineer politely takes the £50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?"

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands £5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

Hehehe

[nickster_uk]

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell.

After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the developed world, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95.
I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked.

"I'll leave that up to you." God replied.

"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of long-legged women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great," he told God. "If this is hell, I really want to see Heaven."

"Fine," said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, beautiful and sunny, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," replied God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.

When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, surrounded with heavy thick-legged women and being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed.

"How's everything going?" He asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment. "This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the long-legged women playing in the water?"

"Oh," God said, "that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95!"

[nickster_uk]

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying:

"Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!"

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.
"You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

"I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."

"Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.

"Why did you do that?"

"Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen!

He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

"What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.
"Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em!"

[K-B]

Hahaha

[ebackhus]

KB, you've got serious competition from this guy.