Joke Thread

[ebackhus]

That one is a classic!

[Glaswegian]

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.

Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says:"If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me"

Chicken says: "Big deal, I only have to cough and the entire planet s**ts itself"

[K-B]

Lol !!

[disordered]

Haha, the animal one is great

[ReeKorl]

Here's some especially for (or is that about?) Glaswegian:

Q. Who invented the copper wire?
A. Two Scots fighting over a penny.

Q. Why are so many Scottish churches circular?
A. So nobody can hide in the corners during the collection.

Q. What do you call a Glaswegian in a suit?
A. The accused.

Q. Why wasn't Jesus born in Glasgow?
A. Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Q. Why do pipers march when they play?
A. Because a moving target is harder to hit.

A farmer and his family were trapped in their house in winter during the height of a severe blizzard.
The Red Cross arrived by helicopter to save them and landed on the roof.
One of the rescuers shouted down the chimney, "It's the Red Cross!"
There was a pause for a few seconds before the reply "I bought one last year!".

A visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised to find the beer only two pence a pint. The barman explained that it was the price to mark the centenary of the pub opening. The visitor noticed, however, that the bar was empty.
"Are the regular customers not enjoying the special prices?" he asked.
To which the barman replied "They're waiting for the Happy Hour".

And finally, If "Star Wars" were set in Glasgow....

Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft tall, from Blackhill and called Shug. He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and invariably sport a Rangers top.

Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would address him as Wanky-Nobby. Darth Vader Would be referred to as "Auld Helmet Heid" or in moments of stress "That Dome-Heided B*****d".

R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or p*** on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a train or set on fire.

Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3PO would still be unable to understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a "greetin-faced poof fae Milngavie".

The Milennium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windows and extra flared exhaust ports. It would have a Daily Record "I Love Scotland" sticker and a Saltire bumper sticker.

Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run very fast when you're wearing 5 inch platform heels and a tiny silver mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your **** every two steps, and you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6.

The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate all out attack.
Two easy ways would be:
- Alter it's orbit so it passed through Bridgeton and tell the locals it was full of kafflicks,
- Leave it unattended in Easterhouse.

[ReeKorl]

Two drunks coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark.

"Faith, Mike, we've stumbled into the graveyard and here's the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!"

"Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?"

"No, 'twas someone named 'Miles from Dublin'!"

[Glaswegian]

Love it ReeKorl!!!

Of course copper wire was invented by two Aberdonians - there is a difference. And then there was the Aberdonian who dropped a penny, and as he bent down to pick it up, it hit him on the back of the neck.

[yustr]

A Texan walks into a bar in Scotland and with an overabundance of cowboy swagger announces: “I hear you folks enjoy a bit of drink’n. Well nobody can out drink a Texan. I’ve got me $100 to anybody who can drink 20 pints in 15 minutes.”

The patrons all just stare at the tall fellow. One even leaves the pup. “Ha, says the Texan, I knew yu’all couldn’t beat no Texan.”

A couple of minutes later the chap who left comes back in and asks “Hey, cowboy that bet still on?” “Yup, pardner, you thinks you can do it?”

“I” says the Scottsman. And he proceeds to do just that.

After he finishes the last one, the Texan asks him, “Tell me pardner, where’d you go when you left just then?”

“Well says Glaswiegian, I went to the pub next door. After all $100 is more than a wee bit and I had to make sure I could do it.”

[Spatcher]

Ahh RK, your jokes are hilarious!

[Glaswegian]

Like it Robert!

Think I need to get back at another country and take the heat off Scotland, so here you go..........


Irish Medical Dictionary

Artery.......................... The study of paintings
Bacteria........................ Back door to cafeteria
Barium.......................... What doctors do when patients die
Benign.......................... What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section...........A neighbourhood in Rome
Catscan......................... Searching for Kitty
Cauterize....................... Made eye contact with her
Colic............................. A sheep dog
Coma............................ A punctuation mark
Dilate........................... To live long
Enema.......................... Not a friend
Fester.......................... Quicker than someone else
Fibula........................... A small lie
Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain..................... Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane
Morbid........................... A higher offer
Nitrates......................... Cheaper than day rates
Node............................. I knew it
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis............................ Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative.................A letter carrier
Recovery Room................ Place to do upholstery
Rectum.......................... Nearly killed him
Secretion....................... Hiding something
Seizure......................... Roman emperor
Tablet........................... A small table
Terminal Illness................ Getting sick at the airport
Tumor........................... One plus one more
Urine............................ Opposite of you're out
2xCondoms...................... To be sure, to be sure

[yustr]

Originally Posted by ReeKorl

Two drunks coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark.

"Faith, Mike, we've stumbled into the graveyard and here's the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!"

"Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?"

"No, 'twas someone named 'Miles from Dublin'!"

Reminds me of the two stoners walking down the railroad tracks on the way home from a Greatful Dead concert:

"This is the longest flight of stairs ever."

"Yeah, but at least they aren't too steep."

"You're right on there, but this low hand rail is a &itch."

[sandman55]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him.

"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship.

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

[Spatcher]

Hahahhhaaa!!

[mgoldb2]

A few of my favorite programer jokes

IF GOD WERE A COMPUTER PROGRAMMER...

Some important theological questions can best be answered by
thinking of God as a computer programmer:

Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and
candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his
girlfriend had left him.

Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically
and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise, things
can wait until tomorrow.

Q: How come the Age of Miracles ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project. Now we're in the
maintenance phase.

Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he
actually possesses, so nonprogrammers become scared of him. God
thinks he's irritating but irrelevant.

Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.

Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a
common word, or a date like your birthday.

Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just
get off his back and let him program.

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive email.

Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through
all those variables.

Q: Does God know everything?
A: He likes to think so, but he is often amazed to find out what goes
on in the overnite job.

Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?
A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but
personally, God doubts that it will ever be implemented.

Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new an imaginative ways to mess up
the system when God has made it idiot-proof.

Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a DAT tape.

Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching
those .tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you,
God will just say that the tape has been lost.

Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running
exact duplicates of you in the present release version.

Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then
the users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto
it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.

Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick
the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.

Q: Is God angry that we crucified him?
A: Let's just say he's not going to any more meetings if he can help
it, because that last one with the twelve managers and the food
turned out to be murder.

Q: Some people say God is Love.
A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form of a
question.

Three men, a physican, a engineer and a computer scientist, are
travelling in a car. Suddenly, the car starts to smoke and stops.
The three atonished men try to solve the problem:

Physican says:
This is obviously a classic problem of torque. It has been overloaded
the elasticity limit of the main axis.

Engineer says:
Let's be serious! The matter is that it has been burned the spark of
the connecting rod to the dynamo of the radiator. I can easily repair
it by hammering.

Computer scientist says:
What if we get off the car, wait a minute, and then get in and try again?

Top 25 Explanations by Programmers when their programs don't work.

1. Strange...
2. I've never heard about that.
3. It did work yesterday.
4. Well, the program needs some fixing.
5. How is this possible?
6. The machine seems to be broken.
7. Has the operating system been updated?
8. The user has made an error again.
9. There is something wrong in your test data.
10. I have not touched that module!
11. Yes yes, it will be ready in time.
12. You must have the wrong executable.
13. Oh, it's just a feature.
14. I'm almost ready.
15. Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
16. It will be done in no time at all.
17. It's just some unlucky coincidense.
18. I can't test everything!
19. THIS can't do THAT.
20. Didn't I fix it already?
21. It's already there, but it has not been tested.
22. It works, but it's not been tested.
23. Somebody must have changed my code.
24. There must be a virus in the application software.
25. Even though it does not work, how does it feel?

[ReeKorl]

I can safely say I've used all of those reasons at work - with a heavy emphasis on 8 and 9

[Glaswegian]

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?"


She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

[K-B]

that's real good

Reminds me of one I heard:
A guy walks into a podiatrist's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me! I think I'm a moth!"

The doctor says, "You don't need a podiatrist. You need a psychiatrist. What did you come in here for?"

The guy says, "Well, the light was on..."

[sandman55]

Subject: Old Men...
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a large pond in the back, with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and
some apple and peach trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was
built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a
five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he
heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw
it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

[bry623]

Did you hear about the guy who dropped his wallet in San Francisco? He kicked it all the way to Seatlle before he'd bedn over to pick it up.

[Glaswegian]

A married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady forty
miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice,
"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of
it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.

Up to 60.

I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph.

And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her:
"Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice, “No, I've got everything I need," she says.

Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."



Moral of the Story:

Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.