Joke Thread

[ebackhus]

*nag nag nag* Sorry, just wanted to make sure that was understood about the Geisha.

Is David Beckham generally thought to be something of a dunce in the UK? Don't get me wrong, I think the jokes are hilarious but I just wanna get a little background. That horse one was too funny!

[Glaswegian]

EB - yes Beckham, while pretty near the front of the queue when the football skills were handed out, was nearer the end of the queue when the brain cells were being issued. Mind you, he's done alright for himself. His wife, Victoria, aka Posh Spice, wasn't much further ahead than David in the brains queue. But then somebody told her she could sing...........



The Manchester United players are in the dressing room on Saturday, just before the game, when Roy Keane walks in. "Boss," he says, "there's a problem. I'm not playing unless I get a cortisone injection." "Hey," says Becks. "If he's having a new car, so am I."

I don't understand.

After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer.

I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping the receipt included $45 in makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.

[Glaswegian]

1. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

2. A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

3. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. He was immediately arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

4. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

5. Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers travelling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression; “He who has a Tates is lost!"

6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "we have absolutely nothing to go on."

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged, saying
"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

10. By the way, the guy who wrote these 9 puns entered them and one other in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn't lose. As they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[40sondacurb]

This is a practical joke Regan said to Bush:

Regan: We need to to focus on products Americans make best, like condoms. America is the worlds foremost and best condom manufacturer. On the end of every condom are the words "made in the USA" in big letters.

Bush: Really, I didn't know that.

Regan: Well you'd have to unwrap the whole thing to see it.

[Glaswegian]

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband
is at work.

Unknown to her, her 9 year old son is hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here.."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."

A few weeks later it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says,"$1,000.

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that s**t again."

[bry623]

A doctor that does circumcisions is saving the foreskins. He makes them into wallets.

If you rub them, they turn into a briefcase.

[Glaswegian]

bry - you're starting to repeat yourself - see post #190

[BrianTwigley]

David Beckham decides to go horse riding.

Although he has had no previous experience he skillfully mounts the Horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.

Victoria admiringly watches her husband.

After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.

Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse's neck.

David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness.

Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!!

Hearing her screams, the Tesco's Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.

[Glaswegian]

This is too much!! - Brian see post #198.

If you guys can't come up with anything other than repeats I'm leaving TSF.

[ReeKorl]

Ok, here's one then:

A doctor that does circum... wait, no that's not right.







ahem..... let's try this instead.

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

[Glaswegian]

LMAO!!! Thanks ReeKorl.

[ebackhus]

That post saved us from a repost bonanza.

This isn't 4chan!!

[ReeKorl]

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity scheme and employ people from Liverpool.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Liverpool area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.

Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour.

As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now has an advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for.

At the crew's first practice session, the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, and then within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilogram of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

[Glaswegian]

Another good one ReeKorl

[ebackhus]

Ha ha ha! That's great, especially the part where they end up selling it!

[forcifer]

republicans and democrats have finally agreed on something. democrats put bumper stickers saying,"run, hilary, Run" on the back, and republicans put it on the front


i hope no one has told that one yet

[bry623]

Except for republicans really do want Hilary to run.

[Glaswegian]

Here's 20 new word definitions:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

5. Negligent (adj.), A nightgown specifically designed for sex

6. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

7. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

8. Frisbeetarianism (n), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up to Heaven and gets stuck there for eternity

10. Sircumvent (n.), an opening, used in the front of boxer shorts

11. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

12. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

13. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between sarcastic wit and the person who can't get laid.

14. Inocu-latte' (v): To take coffee intravenously.

15. OsteoporNosis (n): A degenerate disease.

16. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after you've discovered you've eaten a caterpillar

18. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

19. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an ***hole

20. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of having sex.

[Glaswegian]

From Glasgow, where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.


Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a pub in Glasgow.
After last orders the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
carpark for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
vehicles the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat
there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and
drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was
a fine, dry summer night), flicked the wipers on, then off a couple of
times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the carpark empty, he pulled away and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all
this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights,
and promptly pulled the man over and approached the car carrying a breathalyser test kit.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man
having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said,
"I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.
This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it", said the truly proud Glaswegian, "Tonight officer,
I'm the designated decoy."