So a Texan walks into a bar in Ireland, clears his throat and says...

**Jason** · 07-13-2009, 08:45 AM

"I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers and I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder and asks if his bet still good. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh, I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

**WereBo** · 07-13-2009, 03:29 PM

Oh that's excellent!!!

ebackhus · 07-13-2009, 05:57 PM

Can we get more Texas jokes? My wife is a Texan but likes the jokes.

yustr · 07-15-2009, 06:11 AM

Quote:

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
George Carlin

Repeat but worth it.

yustr · 07-15-2009, 06:17 AM

Texan: “Texas is so big it would take a month to ride across it on a horse. Where you from pard’ner?”

Alaskan: “I’m from Alaska and yes, Texas is big alright. In fact, it’s the second largest state. But you know, if they split Alaska in half Texas would become the third largest state. So what part of Texas did you say you were from?”

**Dragoen** · 07-15-2009, 07:09 AM

Quote:

While most states are arguing to abolish the Death Penalty, Texas has installed an express lane.
Ron White, comedian

**Glaswegian** · 07-17-2009, 02:25 PM

A tourist from across the pond was holidaying in the Highlands when he asked a crofter about his small acreage of land. The Yank then boasted: "I'm a rancher in Texas. If I set off in my car and drive all day from sun up to sun down, I'm still on my own land."

The canny crofter replied: "Aye, I had a car like that once."

**WereBo** · 07-17-2009, 06:14 PM

That reminds me of an ancient one from my schooldays:

A Texan was touring around Australia, when he ended up chatting with a sheep farmer. The farmer explained that it took a day's horse ride to get to his flocks, a day to do whatever was needed and an day's ride back again.

The Texan said his farm needed a fast car to get to see his sheep.

The farmer reckoned he had about 750,000 sheep, whereas the Texan said he sold his sheep by the acre.

Suddenly, a troop of kangaroos appeared, hopping across in front of the pair. Rather perturbed, the Texan, who'd never seen a 'roo, asked: 'What the hell was them?' - The Aussie just muttered loudly 'Damn! Something must have spooked the mice again.....'

**zuluclayman** · 07-18-2009, 12:40 AM

**Glaswegian** · 07-19-2009, 01:25 PM

fej2008 · 07-22-2009, 08:33 PM

Lol, keep 'em comin' guys!

DonaldG · 07-23-2009, 02:49 PM

Texan in Scotland. Hears that Glas can tell the time by testing the weight of a big bull's testimonials. Approaches Glas and asks to see it done.

Glas leads the Texan into a field where there is the biggest bull the Texan has ever seen The bull is very well endowed (as bull go.)

Glas goes up to the bull & pushes it in the left hind and moves the bull round a bit to the right. Then he does the same on the right and moves the bull round to the left a bit.

Glas then stands back and for a short time, inspects the bull from the rear.

Eventually, Glas kneels down between the bulls back legs, lifts its tail over his left shoulder and takes the 'dingily-danglies', one in each hand. He lifts them very high for a few seconds & then drops 'em like a brick. The bull grunts at the sudden & sharp pain at which Glas proclaims, in a thick Scots accent: "Och aye, hoot mon, it be Four Thirty Five in the afternoon"

The Texan checks his gold Rolex submariner chronometer. Sure enough, its 4:35.

Amazed, the Texan questions Glas "How the hickory did you do that, pilgrim?"

Glas retorts: "If I shoves the beast in the right direction and....

.... lift 'em goolies high enough....

.... I can just see the church clock over yonder!"

**Glaswegian** · 07-23-2009, 04:00 PM

**WereBo** · 07-23-2009, 06:22 PM

......

DonaldG · 07-24-2009, 05:09 AM

Big tall Texan walks in to a bar...

"Ouch", he yelps....

...It was an iron bar!

DonaldG · 09-19-2009, 03:52 PM

A Texan and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

**WereBo** · 09-19-2009, 05:37 PM

....

Tumbleweed36 · 09-19-2009, 07:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DonaldG

A Texan and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

BTW, was his name Simpswr?

**simpswr** · 09-19-2009, 07:10 PM

Dang!!! It was!! . . you been readin' my mail?

07-13-2009, 08:45 AM	#1 (permalink)
Jason Faugh a ballagh Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Pasco, FL Posts: 8,476 OS: Windows Vista My System Blog Entries: 2	So a Texan walks into a bar in Ireland, clears his throat and says... "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers and I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder and asks if his bet still good. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh, I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first." __________________ Posting Tips \| Advice for New People \| Common Fixes \| Agus na damnaithe fágtha gan focal Glaoigh ormsa i measc na naomh

07-13-2009, 03:29 PM	#2 (permalink)
WereBo Resident Village Idiot Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: SE London, UK Posts: 14,480 OS: Win-7, XP-Pro SP3 My System	Re: So a Texan walks into a bar in Ireland, clears his throat and says... Oh that's excellent!!! __________________ I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

07-13-2009, 05:57 PM	#3 (permalink)
ebackhus Manager, Design Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: SATX Posts: 14,278 OS: WinXP Pro SP3/Windows 7 RTM My System Blog Entries: 28	Re: So a Texan walks into a bar in Ireland, clears his throat and says... Can we get more Texas jokes? My wife is a Texan but likes the jokes. __________________ ----------------------------- There are no dumb questions, unless a customer is asking them. Help in the fight against cancer and other serious illnesses.

07-15-2009, 06:17 AM	#5 (permalink)
yustr Asst. Manager, The Conversation Pit Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Connecticut shore Posts: 6,050 OS: XP Pro My System	Re: So a Texan walks into a bar in Ireland, clears his throat and says... Texan: “Texas is so big it would take a month to ride across it on a horse. Where you from pard’ner?” Alaskan: “I’m from Alaska and yes, Texas is big alright. In fact, it’s the second largest state. But you know, if they split Alaska in half Texas would become the third largest state. So what part of Texas did you say you were from?” __________________ If there are lawyers or politicians involved, logic may be a very poor tool for reaching a conclusion.

07-17-2009, 02:25 PM	#7 (permalink)
Glaswegian Moderator/ Rangemaster TSF Academy; Analyst, Security Team; Oor Wullie; TSF Surgeon and Resident Comic Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Glasgow Posts: 25,499 OS: Win XP Pro SP3 / Win 7 Pro My System Blog Entries: 10	Re: So a Texan walks into a bar in Ireland, clears his throat and says... A tourist from across the pond was holidaying in the Highlands when he asked a crofter about his small acreage of land. The Yank then boasted: "I'm a rancher in Texas. If I set off in my car and drive all day from sun up to sun down, I'm still on my own land." The canny crofter replied: "Aye, I had a car like that once." __________________ Iain - Defender of the Haggis and all things Scottish. I don't help by PM - post in the Forums. PC Safety & Security::PC running a bit slow?::Donate::Photographers Corner

07-17-2009, 06:14 PM	#8 (permalink)
WereBo Resident Village Idiot Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: SE London, UK Posts: 14,480 OS: Win-7, XP-Pro SP3 My System	Re: So a Texan walks into a bar in Ireland, clears his throat and says... That reminds me of an ancient one from my schooldays: A Texan was touring around Australia, when he ended up chatting with a sheep farmer. The farmer explained that it took a day's horse ride to get to his flocks, a day to do whatever was needed and an day's ride back again. The Texan said his farm needed a fast car to get to see his sheep. The farmer reckoned he had about 750,000 sheep, whereas the Texan said he sold his sheep by the acre. Suddenly, a troop of kangaroos appeared, hopping across in front of the pair. Rather perturbed, the Texan, who'd never seen a 'roo, asked: 'What the hell was them?' - The Aussie just muttered loudly 'Damn! Something must have spooked the mice again.....' __________________ I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. Last edited by WereBo; 07-17-2009 at 06:15 PM.

07-18-2009, 12:40 AM	#9 (permalink)
zuluclayman Design Team Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Newcastle, Australia Posts: 3,049 OS: Windows Vista Home Premium My System	Re: So a Texan walks into a bar in Ireland, clears his throat and says... __________________ AutoGordianKnot Audacity K-Lite codec pack Irfan View GSpot TSF Photographer's Corner

07-19-2009, 01:25 PM	#10 (permalink)
Glaswegian Moderator/ Rangemaster TSF Academy; Analyst, Security Team; Oor Wullie; TSF Surgeon and Resident Comic Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Glasgow Posts: 25,499 OS: Win XP Pro SP3 / Win 7 Pro My System Blog Entries: 10	Re: So a Texan walks into a bar in Ireland, clears his throat and says... __________________ Iain - Defender of the Haggis and all things Scottish. I don't help by PM - post in the Forums. PC Safety & Security::PC running a bit slow?::Donate::Photographers Corner

07-22-2009, 08:33 PM	#11 (permalink)
fej2008 Registered User Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 263 OS: Windows XP SP2	Re: So a Texan walks into a bar in Ireland, clears his throat and says... Lol, keep 'em comin' guys!

07-23-2009, 02:49 PM	#12 (permalink)
DonaldG Manager Home Support, Assistant Manager Articles Team Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Somerset, UK Posts: 10,164 OS: XPsp2 Laptop & Vista Ultimate Desktop My System Blog Entries: 1	Re: So a Texan walks into a bar in Ireland, clears his throat and says... Texan in Scotland. Hears that Glas can tell the time by testing the weight of a big bull's testimonials. Approaches Glas and asks to see it done. Glas leads the Texan into a field where there is the biggest bull the Texan has ever seen The bull is very well endowed (as bull go.) Glas goes up to the bull & pushes it in the left hind and moves the bull round a bit to the right. Then he does the same on the right and moves the bull round to the left a bit. Glas then stands back and for a short time, inspects the bull from the rear. Eventually, Glas kneels down between the bulls back legs, lifts its tail over his left shoulder and takes the 'dingily-danglies', one in each hand. He lifts them very high for a few seconds & then drops 'em like a brick. The bull grunts at the sudden & sharp pain at which Glas proclaims, in a thick Scots accent: "Och aye, hoot mon, it be Four Thirty Five in the afternoon" The Texan checks his gold Rolex submariner chronometer. Sure enough, its 4:35. Amazed, the Texan questions Glas "How the hickory did you do that, pilgrim?" Glas retorts: "If I shoves the beast in the right direction and.... .... lift 'em goolies high enough.... .... I can just see the church clock over yonder!" __________________ . Lest we forget... "They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old; Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn. At the going down of the sun and in the morning We will remember them." Submit New Articles Here TSF's Photographer's Corner . Last edited by DonaldG; 07-23-2009 at 03:11 PM.

07-23-2009, 04:00 PM	#13 (permalink)
Glaswegian Moderator/ Rangemaster TSF Academy; Analyst, Security Team; Oor Wullie; TSF Surgeon and Resident Comic Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Glasgow Posts: 25,499 OS: Win XP Pro SP3 / Win 7 Pro My System Blog Entries: 10	Re: So a Texan walks into a bar in Ireland, clears his throat and says... __________________ Iain - Defender of the Haggis and all things Scottish. I don't help by PM - post in the Forums. PC Safety & Security::PC running a bit slow?::Donate::Photographers Corner

07-23-2009, 06:22 PM	#14 (permalink)
WereBo Resident Village Idiot Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: SE London, UK Posts: 14,480 OS: Win-7, XP-Pro SP3 My System	Re: So a Texan walks into a bar in Ireland, clears his throat and says... ...... __________________ I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

07-24-2009, 05:09 AM	#15 (permalink)
DonaldG Manager Home Support, Assistant Manager Articles Team Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Somerset, UK Posts: 10,164 OS: XPsp2 Laptop & Vista Ultimate Desktop My System Blog Entries: 1	Re: So a Texan walks into a bar in Ireland, clears his throat and says... Big tall Texan walks in to a bar... "Ouch", he yelps.... ...It was an iron bar! __________________ . Lest we forget... "They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old; Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn. At the going down of the sun and in the morning We will remember them." Submit New Articles Here TSF's Photographer's Corner .

09-19-2009, 03:52 PM	#16 (permalink)
DonaldG Manager Home Support, Assistant Manager Articles Team Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Somerset, UK Posts: 10,164 OS: XPsp2 Laptop & Vista Ultimate Desktop My System Blog Entries: 1	Re: So a Texan walks into a bar in Ireland, clears his throat and says... A Texan and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer. __________________ . Lest we forget... "They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old; Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn. At the going down of the sun and in the morning We will remember them." Submit New Articles Here TSF's Photographer's Corner .

09-19-2009, 05:37 PM	#17 (permalink)
WereBo Resident Village Idiot Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: SE London, UK Posts: 14,480 OS: Win-7, XP-Pro SP3 My System	Re: So a Texan walks into a bar in Ireland, clears his throat and says... .... __________________ I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

09-19-2009, 07:10 PM	#19 (permalink)
simpswr Moderator Hardware Team Join Date: May 2007 Location: Houston, Texas Posts: 12,267 OS: XP, Vista, Win 7	Re: So a Texan walks into a bar in Ireland, clears his throat and says... Dang!!! It was!! . . you been readin' my mail? __________________ Rich MemTest86 \| BenchTest \| Virus/Trojan/Spyware Help How to post a Screen Shot \| PC running slow?