Joke Thread

[Jason]

Continued from this thread here

Joke Thread v. Last laugh 07



A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a Software Engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

[WereBo]

[alexissamantha]

Ha ha ha ha ha thats very funny joke man,,,,,,,,,

[Done_Fishin]

Security Levels

The British have raised their security level from "Miffed"to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since
the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher
levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory,effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

The Italians have raised their alert to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and
"Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms
so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

It's not only the Europeans who are on a heightened level of alert.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force
being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath. New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "Sh*t, I hope Australia will come end rescue us".
In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels
remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend" and The Barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level

the yanks on the other hand will bomb everybody just in case

[WereBo]

.... Brilliant!!!

[zuluclayman]

yup - takes a lot to cancel a barbie here
I was at Bondi the other day and I think the Japanese have also got it on their evacuation meet point list

[zuluclayman]

A bloke was driving home after it long lunch. He knew he'd had a few beers too may so he was being particularly careful, doing everything by the book. Inevitably, he was pulled over. Before the cop reached the window, the driver was explaining how he'd really only had a couple and he was just ... The cop cut him short.
'If you'd just get out of the vehicle please, sir”.
The man tried to explain how careful he was being. The cop insisted. The man got out of the car. The cop led him around to the back and pointed.
“Are you aware, sir.” he said “that your left hand brake light is not working?”
The man slumped to his knees, and burst into tears.
“It is only a brake light sir” the cop said.
“Oh, **** the brake light,” said the man, “where’s my ******* caravan?”

[fej2008]

Haha! nice joke man!

[WereBo]

.....

A cop was sat in his patrol car, just outside a local bar that was famous for drunken rowdyism. About 5 minutes before closing-time, he sees several customers come out, one of whom is staggering about and weaving his way to his car, fumbling for the keys and dropping them several times.

He eventually reached his own vehicle, then spent another few minutes trying to find the right key and see the keyhole to put it in, meanwhile, some more customers walked out quietly, went to their cars and drove off.

Eventually, the drunk managed to open his car and climb in, start the engine, stall, start, stall several times, then accidentally reversed into a low bush - The cop couldn't watch any more and, deciding he'd got enough evidence for a charge, he drove over, stopped in front of the drunk's car and got out.

'GET OUT THE CAR, NOW!!!' he shouted to the driver, who immediately got out the car and walked a perfectly straight line to the policeman. 'What's the matter officer?' he asked the cop, in a sober voice.

'You're under arrest for drunk-driving' the cop said. I'm not drunk, I've only had 2 pints of weak beer all night!' the driver replied.

Well what about all that staggering and dropping keys, then stalling several times, and reversing into that bush? I've got it all on the patrol-car's video camera'

'Oh that' says the driver - 'Tonight, It's my turn to be the designated decoy'

[zuluclayman]

What is the difference between a cavalary horse and a draught horse?
The cavalary horse darts into the fray and the draught horse....

[WereBo]

In the same vein:

Q. - What's the difference between a lousy marksman and a constipated owl?
A. - A lousy marksman shoots but can't hit........

[sandman55]

You think English is easy???

Read to the end . . . a new twist

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse ..

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present , he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.& nbsp; We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP; you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP ..

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP .

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so... it is time to shut UP !

Oh . . . one more thing:

What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U - P

[WereBo]

.....That's why I love the English language so much, it's so easy and versatile to play with, bit it can still make sense

[Done_Fishin]

brilliant

[Done_Fishin]

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the misbehaving
that was going on. So he called one of his angels to go to Earth for a time.

When he returned, the angel told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are
misbehaving and only 5% are not.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down another
angel to get a second opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The
Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased so he decided to e-mail the 5% who were good,
because he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to
help them keep going.



Do you know what the e-mail said?


No?



Okay, just checking with you. I didn't get one either....


**

[WereBo]

I thought it was because a server was down, somewhere

[ArmaTheGreek]

Or maybe it was sent to junk folder

I enjoyed reading that 'UP' story above.

[sandman55]

[sandman55]

Hard Drive weight increasing?

Apologies if this is the incorrect area for this question.

I've noticed that as I copy data/install programs on my Laptop, the weight of the Laptop increases. I have a bad back and am medically limited on the amount of weight I can carry so I need to be very carefull not to inflict injury upon myself.

I have also noticed my XBox feels heavier as well (the more games I save or purchase from arcade). I generally don't travel with my XBox so that is not an issue for me, but note the I am having the same results.

My ask, what is the weight/file ratio? So for example, how many GB's = 6oz? I dread the day I need a dolly to commute to work with my Laptop.


Thanks in advance!
- K

SOURCE

[ebackhus]

That is sheer brilliance.

On a related note, my laptop gets heavier as I get older. Can there be a correlation between my age and the weight of my posessions? On the contrary I can now life my dad's toolbox with less effort than when I was 9. Apparently, my posessions gain weight while the posessions of other lose weight.