The New TSF Surgery - All Welcome!

[sandman55]

Hey man I'm already cool and smooth I don't want to be frozen its that other guy why don't you get him to pay.

[sinclair_tm]

its very complicated. just trust us.

[DonaldG]

I have the following list of medical kit that a retiring mortician gave to me. I will send them up to Dr Glas for his surgical operating room:

* A couple of old retractors - a bit bent and tarnished but a bit of spit & polish will soon sort them out.

* A broken pair of midwifery forceps that can be fixed with some gaffer tape.

* A 40 gallon drum of recycled Formalin

* Carbon steel trepan that could do with a sharpen.

* A used bone saw - some teeth missing but you can use it at the far end without jamming too much.

* A Rib Cutter – joint needs tightening – It has been used by my wife to prune the roses with so I know they still work.

* A medical skeleton on a stand – some bones (left leg, 4 ribs & the coccyx) went missing when my dog found it. (Luckily I found the skull buried in the compost heap whe he had buried it)

* A very large capacity enema – recently cleaned (I think) after being used to suck the sludge out of a blocked sewer.

*A couple of second hand coffins that can be swilled out and used for any failures during surgery - They are still a bit smelly but the previous occupants didn't complain.

* An assortment of scalpels. Some of which that my son used to carved a wooden leg for his pet rabbit. They could be ground down and used as screwdrivers or scraping brain matter & dried blood off the operating table.

* A pair of Ivory catheters for male usage complete with a bottle of mercury.

* A do it yourself manual on brain surgery and a book of prayers.

* A lucky ‘dried rabbits paw’. The rabbit wasn’t too lucky. (Come to think of it, I think I know why my son carved a new leg for his pet rabbit; and why one of the scalpels still had fur sticking to it.)

* A box of reusable band-aids and assorted green bandages.

* 25 cartons of pills, unlabelled but they look like aspirins, also some assorted bottles of different coloured liquids that have strong ‘hospital’ smells. All dated 1947 but they can be re-labeled.

* There was also a straight-jacket complete with mouth guard. I’ve no idea what the mortician used it for but I’m sure the stains will come out after a few good washings. There were some ankle and extra wrist restraints but for some reason, my wife wants to keep them.

They are all contained in a large red metal trunk. You can paint over the word ‘Crippin’ and add your own name in its stead.

Also being shipped to you is a 1945 Daimler Hearse, complete with a Haynes manual on servicing. It is well thumbed at the chapter on un-jamming the coffin rollers, and how remove various types of stains from the curtains. (There is a double mattress that fits inside the back of the hearse where it is being used as a camper.)

[JohnthePilot]

So this is where you're hiding. Since my money paid for all this, I demand you replace my brain with one of similar quality. For the record, my IQ was 152.

[sandman55]

Would you settle for 0.000152?

[JohnthePilot]

That's what it is now thanks to the thief who took my brian.

[simpswr]

Man . . I don't know what you guys are smokin' . . but pass it around!

[Jack.Sparrow]

^^

[JohnthePilot]

This is a public place and smoking is banned.

[sandman55]

Originally Posted by JohnthePilot

That's what it is now thanks to the thief who took my brian.

Well then if we doubled that figure you should be more than happy

[Jack.Sparrow]

If it makes you feel any better, 12,000 telemarketers have a collective IQ of about 6000

[Glaswegian]

Originally Posted by JohnthePilot

This is a public place and smoking is banned.

Not correct - this is a private establishment and we make the rules. If anyone wants to smoke then they are free to do so - just as long as they don't burst into flames....

[sinclair_tm]

Originally Posted by Glaswegian

If anyone wants to smoke then they are free to do so - just as long as they don't burst into flames....

rats, i so wanted to use this red can on them to put out the fire. although i always thought that fire extinguishers where round, while this one is rectangular...

[grumpygit]

That's not a fire extinguisher Dr Sinc. That's the petrol/gasoline we use to help burn any problematic paperwork that might turn up.

[JohnthePilot]

Still up to your old tricks then, I see.

[grumpygit]

Old problems keep turning up.

Welcome to the new surgery JtP. How can we help you?

[JohnthePilot]

Just what's owing to me and please stop tapping my head. It's your fault it sounds like a bongo drum.

[grumpygit]

We have no records of any outstanding work.:

Do you want a Dr to re-examine you?

Dr Sinc is available, but not cheap.

[JohnthePilot]

That's because you destroyed all the records. How do you account for my empty skull if there's nothing outstanding?

[grumpygit]

Too much headbanging in your younger years.