Joke Thread v. Last laugh 07

[Jason]

Lets try to keep the jokes clean ok?

[EnglishPaul]

What do you get if you use soap in the bath?












clean!


How's that Jason?

[forcifer]

What did the Art major say to the engineering major?













would you like fries with your order?

[grumpygit]

A cross section of 1000 asylum seekers were asked if they thought England should change their currency,

99.5% said no, they thought England should keep the GIRO.

[yustr]

Chap 1: Did an inmate escape from the insane asylum today?

Chap 2: I don't think so. Why do you ask?

Chap 1: My wife called and said she's running away with another man.

[Glaswegian]

An Englishman decided to write a book about famous churches around

the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about British

churches so he bought a train ticket and took a trip to London,

thinking that he would work his way up the country from South to North.



On his first day he was inside a church, taking photographs, when he

noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read,

"£20,000 per call!"



The Englishman, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by

what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a

direct line to heaven and for £20,000 you could talk to God. The

Englishman thanked the priest and went on his way. His next stop was

in Northampton.



There, at a very large church, he saw the same golden telephone with

the same sign under it.



He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he had seen in

London so he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him

that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £20,000 he could talk

to God.

"Thank you," said the Englishman.

He then travelled to Coventry, Birmingham, Liverpool, Manchester,

Blackpool,Lancaster and Carlisle.

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same

"£20,000 per call" sign under it.

The Englishman, upon realising how close he was to the Scottish

border,decided to see if the Scots had the same phone.



He crossed the border and came to a small town called Gretna, and

again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign

under it read,"20 pence per call".

The Englishman was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

"Father, I have travelled all over England and I have seen this same

golden telephone in many churches. I'm told it is a direct line to

heaven, but in every one the price was £20,000 per call. Why is it so

cheap here?"



The priest smiled and answered

"Well laddie, you're in Scotland now, so it's a local call."

[EnglishPaul]

Or...

"So many people got to Gretna and said 'Oh God, I'm in Scotland!' that the hotline became bulk discounted!"

[v-six]

Originally Posted by forcifer

What did the Art major say to the engineering major?

would you like fries with your order?

Them's fightin words!

[ebackhus]

Originally Posted on McSweeny's Internet Tendency.

THE CATHOLIC
CHURCH MOVES INTO
THE INFORMATION AGE:
A 21ST-CENTURY
CONFESSION.

BY JOHN FRANK WEAVER
- - - -

PARISHIONER: Bless me, Father, for I have spammed. It's been 124 Google searches since I last purged my sin folder.

PRIEST: Upload to me what you have done wrong, my son.

PARISHIONER: I have violated all the commandments. I've helped make false idols—I always spam the American Idol text-messaging center trying to keep the worst singers on the show for one more week. Then, when they perform the next week, I always yell, "Goddamn it, they're bad!"

PRIEST: You have violated the first two commandments, my son, but that's not so bad.

PARISHIONER: I only wish it stopped there. I don't rest on Sundays—that's when I update my blog on all the things I hate about my mom and dad. That's two commandments in one stroke!

PRIEST: Perhaps, but surely you haven't killed anyone?

PARISHIONER: All the time! I play World of Warcraft at least three nights a week online, and I'm always killing people. Last Tuesday, I killed half the players from the Federated States of Micronesia. They were playing in a band with two goblins and ... You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you, Father?

PRIEST: Not really. But go on, my son, you said you've violated all of them, but that's only half. Adultery? I don't see how you could have, um, had the time to do that with your busy gaming schedule.

PARISHIONER: But I have! I met a married woman on Second Life last week and we had a virtual affair in the island amusement park that I created there. Although, to be honest, I think it might have been the clerk at the post office—he was making creepy contact with me the next day and said something about an "island of amusement" when I bought stamps.

PRIEST: Let's just assume it's a wash—either way, you've sinned in the eyes of the church. And the last four commandments? I suppose you've violated those as well?

PARISHIONER: Yes! I stole music by pirating a Death Cab for Cutie album off a friend's iPod. I lied by making a fake username on MySpace to create a profile for my favorite spice, thyme. I coveted my neighbor's wife after I watched the sex tape they made on the Internet. And while I was watching it I thought, "Wow, their kitchen is huge!"—meaning I coveted his house, too. Father, what can I do?

PRIEST: My son, say one "Our Father," then press the Ctrl+Alt+Delete buttons of your soul.

PARISHIONER: Excuse me?

PRIEST: Say an "Our Father," then reboot your soul. The Lord forgives you.

PARISHIONER: Seriously? That's it?

PRIEST: Recently, the pope has emphasized an "easy user interface" in Catholicism. Now go—the Lord forgives you but expects you to upgrade to Confession 2.0 by next spring.

PARISHIONER: What's that?

PRIEST: It's basically the same confession, but we'll charge you more money and it'll be a lot slower.

[sandman55]

Christmas Scam
A warning for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a cleverscam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works. Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th & 24th. Also October 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend.


So tell your friends to be careful

[Nik00117]

A older lady was walking down the street with two plastic bags in her hands. In one big $20 bills were falling out. A ploice officer on his beat noticed this and decided to stop and help her out.

So he went up to and said miss your money is falling out, the lady was grateful that the ploice officer so kind to her. Well the officer helped her pick up all her money and then gav eit to her. She again thanked him for doing this for her.

Now the cop couldn't help but be a bit noisy so he asked her why she has so many 20 bills on her. And she told that she lives on next a football field, now every night their is a game all the guys from the town come down to watch the match. Well they of course are drinking as well so they come over to her bushes to take a quick piss. Well shes tired of this cause its making her yard smell. So she takes a pair of her large garden scissors and hides in the bushes. And when a guy comes up to her she holds the scissors and goes "20 bucks or off it goes"

The cop laughs and goes wow thats a pretty good idea. So whats in the other bag.

Lady replies "not everyone has 20 bucks"

[ebackhus]

Chuey was in serious trouble... he'd forgotten about his wedding anniversary.

His wife was, naturally, really angry.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Chuey got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up the looked out the window and sure enough there was a box, gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back into the house.

She opened it to find a brand new bathroom scale.

Chuey has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

[sandman55]

[DonaldG]

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I can’t stop passing gas. Luckily, they don’t smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve passed wind twice since I’ve been here in your office, but you didn’t even notice."

"I can help you," says the doc. "Take these pills and come back next week."

The next week, the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts reek."

The doctor says, "Good, we fixed your sinuses! Now let’s work on your hearing."

[sandman55]

[JohnthePilot]

Getting old is when:

You wake at 7.00 am every morning but crap at 6.00 am.

You and your teeth don't sleep together.

Oral sex is just talking about it.

"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.

Some farts have lumps.

Your ears and nose are hairier than your head.

You look forward to a dull evening.

You finally get your head together but your body is falling apart.

You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks only to find that you wern't wearing any.

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You feel like the morning after but you haven't been anywhere.

"Gay" used to mean happy.

You have a party and the neighbours don't even notice.

You don't remember being absent-minded.

A bag lady looks atractive.

Your feet hurt even before you get out of bed.

The hardest things for you to raise in your garden are your knees.

"Having it off" is now a surgical procedure.

You don't try and hold your stomach in no matter who's in the room.

All your favourite films have been re-released in colour.

Your arms are too short to read the newspapaer.

You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

You look both ways before crossing a room.

A tranny used to mean a radio.

You get out of breath walking down a flight of stairs.


You wouldn't need a hearing aid if everyone just stopped mumbling.

You're only asleep but others worry that you're dead.

The nearest you get to a leg-over is riding a bike.

You can produce amazing drawings by joining up your liver spots.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageble size.

You don't care where your spouse goes as long as you don't have to go as well.

Your sweatheart says "let's go upstairs and make love" and you reply "I can't do both".

You spend half an hour looking for the glasses that have been on the top of your head all the time.

It takes twice as long to look half as good.

[sandman55]

Why does some of that sound familiar

[sandman55]

A vet had had a hell of a day, but when he got
home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting
with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after
which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the
vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of
cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I
can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then
patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted
on the phone"

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?"

"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"

[JohnthePilot]

[sandman55]

When a young programmer found out that he was going to inherit a fortune after his sick father died, he decided that he'd look for a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went off to a singles bar, where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.


"I may look like an ordinary man", the banker said. "But in a week or two, when my father dies, I'll inherit $40m". Impressed, the woman went home with the young heir that evening. Three days later she became his stepmother.