l_b_rex

Hey guys!

My daughter's Hamster died on Sunday (not sure why), it just wouldn't wake up. My daughter was at her mom's house and will be back friday so I put the hamster in a ziploc bag and put it in the freezer and plan on burying it with her on friday. I have done much reading about this subject and it was said that it is best to answer any questions she asks with true answers. My worry is that if I tell her it fell asleep and didn't wake up that she will be afraid to go to sleep. A couple months back she asked me where my mom lives (she died 14 years ago), I told her that she lives far far away and that she was sick and died. She asked if I am going to die and if she will. I told her not for a very very long time would that ever happen but she doesn't understand time yet and asked her mom the same thing and was worried that we would die too.

We don't believe in lieing to her unless it is really necessary. The idea of this funeral for the hamster is for her to learn death is a part of life and for her to realise how real and permant death is. Her and her friends at daycare are in the stage where the "kill" and "die" words are used often.

Thanks for any advice or feel free to share your stories.

Rhort

Get either Bambi, or Tarka The Otter on DVD and watch it with her. Watership Down is another good one, but might be a bit grown up for a four-year-old. This will help to set the 'death is part of life' philosophy you're looking at into perspective for her, as each of the central characters loses their mother during the film.

The hard part is making her understand that this won't happen to her, or you, like, tomorrow; I have the same issue with my two-year-old at the moment, when his dinner's too hot and he has to wait for it to cool a bit, but of course, there I have the advantage of it being something that happens repeatedly.

Titomike

I don't have any experience in this but I'm impressed with the combination you two have already come up with.

Sounds like you've laid some sensible groundwork already...This Friday no need to go beyond this event if you can avoid it.

Proceed with the funeral without being to explicit until you show her the hamster...Is there a more benign way to introduce physical death?
You will have her attention but it will be focussed on the hamster rather than you or her mother....an opportunity to reinforce what ideas you choose...no need discuss people...use the example of this pet.

Eat, watch the movie when the mother dies make the connection to the hamster...keep the focus to allow the two things to connect....let it go and finish the movie (they're all good enough to regather her attention).

After the movie she'll probably come up with some questions...steer her back to the mother then your mother.....let that sink in...

"Right!...time for bed, young lady".....use your best magic keep her distracted and stay with her till she sleeps...

...Sigh in wonder, silently thank the hampster for it's contribution & go to bed happy..

In perfect world you could pull this off!.......good skills, bro's!

l_b_rex

I like the feedback a lot. I was only going to show her the hamster if she asked to. Do you think I should ask her if she wants to see it and if she doesn't then I won't. I don't want this to be traumatizing for her.

Cathy95820

I don't know...You may want to keep it simple. Explain that you found him/her deceased. Help her draw a picture of him/her to hang on fridge or her room.....Take a trip to the pet store and get another hamster...Even if you try your best to explain death, watch movies etc., kids that age are developmentally unable to grasp the concept. I think it is more traumatic for the parent to get through this situation than it will be for the child. Now, don't think me to be insensitive please, this advice is based on the circumstance that daughter was out of residence during the hamsters passing.

And by all means, please don't let her see you pull it out of the freezer in a zip lock. My mom passed when I was 8 and I'm not sure I really got it back then. I seem to recall asking my dad when we would see her again. She had been sick for a very very long time (MS).


p.s. Lion King is a good circle of life movie too

Tumbleweed36

All very good advice and both approaches are great. I can't find fault with any of the suggestions you have received.

My way would be to (been there with a dog or two when kids were young) keep it rather simple and then say "O.K., now we have to go pick out another hampster and since it will be yours, you need to pick it out." Put her in the car with you and go Hampster shopping right after you have explained the realities of life and death. She will focus on the new hampster and tend to diminish the thought of the dead hampster. There is no way to diminish death to a child, unless it is life. The new hampster represents life and when she must be responsible for the new one, it will take her attention to the new one. Diversion with a child works most of the time.

l_b_rex

I read up on this and one article said it is a very bad idea to go out and replace the pet right away. They say young children need to go throught he grieving stage because if they don't it can lead to other coping methods of drugs or alcohol when they are older because replacinga pet is a way to avoid dealing with it. If she asks for a new one then I can but only when she asks. I think this is a good idea too.

Tumbleweed36

You have to make that decision. Part of my reason for stating that is that I worked as an elementary/middle school principal for quite some time and saw this work quite well with children who were in my care ( 850 student school ) throught the years.

Many parents thought grieving was not as important as moving on to keep the child from dwelling on the dead hampster. However, each case is different, so you are closest to the situation and must evaluate that issue. Good luck with whatever you decide.

l_b_rex

Spoken like a wise man. I think you are right. She will probably ask fo a new one in like 10 minutes lol. I just hope it isn't as sad as I think it might be. Thanks for the advice everyone.

sandman55

I think you should not equate dying to being asleep. I think you should explain that hampsters and many animals don't have a long life span like us, and yes go ahead with your plans for a funeral. I hope it all goes well for you.

Titomike

Conversely, if you end up in the situation of having to fufil her curiousity to see the hampster then she touchs it, it would be a good opportunity to distinguish between asleep and dead as the absence of warmth and movement.....as many of us did with a dead bird, a stick and a dare..

Cathy95820

Please make sure you tell us all how it went. That way we can make mental notes for next time someone asks.

I guess also it factors in a lot of individual variables. The childs level of devotion to the pet, the childs overall sensitivity to feelings and emotions. I still have feeling this is gunna be harder for you especially since you have had so much time to plan. Sometimes the best parenting comes by flying from the seat of your pants.

I have a story for every occasion and just now had a memory flashback about kitten we had. Will have to tell sometime. oh my also just remembered a recent hamster situation....really should write a book.....

Best Wishes

l_b_rex

So friday evening when my daughter came over I sat her down and told her I need to talk to her and that I have sad news but daddy and mommy are ok. She asked what it was and I told her that her hamster died. I went to feed it and it wasn't moving. I told her the hamster was sick but we didn't know but now the hamster is in heaven. She replied "no it is right here (she was holding its dead body). She took it very well but should could not understand how the hamster can be in hamster heaven if the body is still here. I let her hold it for awhile and then washed her hands really really good and told her that we need to put the body in a box so it can go to heaven too. She asked why and I told her that her hamster is waiting for its body so it can play in hamster heaven. I had brought a medium sized kleenex box home and then taped white paper all over it so I told my daughter that we can decorate the box and then leave it on the front porch for the hamster fairy to come and take it to heaven. She had a great time decorating the box with marker and glitter and then she ased me to leave a note for the hamster fairy asking if she would leave the box because Holly thought it was beautiful. So I wrote a nice note asking to leave the box behind and then we left the box on the porch. First thing in the morning Holly got up and we went to the porch to see if the box was the and yes it was but it had been open and only some tissue paper was left inside. She was very happy the box was there still.

Unfortunately now she quite often starts crying and telling me she misses the hamster, but it always seems to be when she gets in trouble or right at bedtime. I really think she is just using that against me but I'm not about to call her on it,lol. She asked for another hamster already too and I told her maybe for x-mas we can get one or another pet.

I really think it hurt me more to tell her about the hamster than it hurt her to hear it.

It was a sad day but a lesoon that she needed to learn sometime. Thanks for all the advice and concern.

Cathy95820

Good Job I B and glad you all got through it relatively unscathed! My prayers for all pets past and present for a safe journey home (where every that may be) and a joyous reunion when their owners reunite with them.