Joke Thread v. Last laugh 07

[sandman55]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'

God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital
and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and
brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live,
she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you
pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'
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God replied, 'I didn't recognize you'.

[Jack.Sparrow]

[WereBo]

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome - one has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

[sandman55]

[sandman55]

SECONDS before Death (CHILLING).


Scroll Down



WARNING! GRAPHIC PHOTO.



THIS IS A PICTURE

OF A MAN

WITH JUST SECONDS

LEFT TO LIVE

(CHILLING!)
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[Jack.Sparrow]

[WereBo]

Tragic Road Accident Leaves No Survivors!

Despite instant and massive help from both locals and passers-by, most even providing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, there were no survivors from this disastrous traffic accident.


>> WARNING <<

Some people might find the following picture to be highly distressing.

[Jack.Sparrow]

[sandman55]

[Done_Fishin]

I thought I saw one move but it must just have been relief from the tension that had been bottled up ...

[WereBo]

Grandpa on the front porch

A grandson came to visit his grandparents & noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocker, wearing only a shirt, naked from the waist down.

"Grandpa, whatcha' doing? You're weenie's out in the wind for all to see!" he exclaimed.

Grandpa looked off in the distance, not answering.

"Grandpa, whatcha' doin' sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

Grandpa looked at him & said, "Last week I sat here with no shirt on & got a stiff neck. This is grandma's idea..."

[Done_Fishin]

.. hope that's not a TRUE story that your wife's putting around ...

[WereBo]

Naahh, I don't have a porch or a rocking chair

[Jack.Sparrow]

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun. He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bull’s-eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd. An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle. Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bull’s-eyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.” That’s fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?" The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely. "Yes, sir!” he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!" "I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"

[sandman55]

[WereBo]

Hehehehehe..... Very good

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"