Joke Thread v. Last laugh 07

[XtabbedoutX]

Not really a joke but it is funny. Enjoy

Monday
------

8:05am
User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password
retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me
and hang up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?

8:12am
Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports
database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works
for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from
the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it
again. One more happy customer...

8:14 am
User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing
Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to
microsupport.

11:00 am
Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone
back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into
town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial
closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom"
nationals are this weekend!

11:34 am
Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed
on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access
database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend
so performance reviews are sent to */US.

12:00 pm
Lunch

3:30 pm
Return from lunch.

3:55 pm
Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no
reason. Return to napping.

4:23 pm
Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form.
Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when
they find out.

4:55 pm
Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift
has something to do.

Tuesday
-------

8:30 am
Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible
time with Save/Replication conflicts.

9:00 am
Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on
PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Put something
in the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines,
which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.

9:35 pm
Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need
form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell
them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such
a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.

10:00 am
Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell
her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital
status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers
for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits.
Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned
in last week's "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to
personally deliver ID to her apartment.

10:07 am
Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement.
Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while
I grab a smoke.

1:00 pm
Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he
transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.

1:05 pm
Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled
floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not
running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!"

1:15 pm
Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in
form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix
it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.

1:20 pm
Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for
"Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't hear over
industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes."
Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it
and hangs up.

2:00 pm
Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in
her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it
probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over
all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create
new ID for her while she does that.

2:49 pm
Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.

Wednesday
---------

8:30 am
Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form.
Tell them Of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not
"chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.

9:10am
Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules
10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support
manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about
to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...

10:00 am
Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support
manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several
lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world
countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask
if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail
databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer
in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he
reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.

10:30 am
Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe
corporate PBX system sometime.

11:00 am
Lunch.

4:55 pm
Return from lunch.

5:00 pm
Shift change; Going home.

Thursday
--------
8:00 am
New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him
server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with
IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both
monochrome and color.

8:45 am
New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for
him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.

9:30 am
Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie
comments. Is this guy great or what?!

11:00 am
Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of
sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server
is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception)
and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy
customer!

11:55 am
Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new employee
beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with
said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and
relief to senior technical analyst on shift." Marvin doubts. I point
to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so
myself!). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell
to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.

1:00 pm
Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...

4:30 pm
Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.

5:00 pm
Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just
testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.

Friday
------
8:00 am
Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told
them it worked fine before I left.

9:00 am
Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls
myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.

9:02 am
Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the
Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call
Telecommunications.

9:30 am
Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego
and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with
a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back
two hours.

10:17 am
Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them
to set server ahead three hours.

11:00 am
E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on
their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.

11:20 am
Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.

11:23 am
Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.

11:25 am
Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to
get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment
with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in
on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!"

11:30 am
Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a
meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I
tell him.

12:00 am
Lunch.

1:00 pm
Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make
them fast.

1:03 pm
Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!

2:30 pm
Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45 pm
appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.

2:39 pm
New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection
document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL.
Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.

2:50 pm
Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means
appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him
if he's seen corporate Web page lately.

3:00 pm
Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working.
Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send
them document addendum which says so.

4:00 pm
Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set
point size to "2" in help databases.

4:30 pm
User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to
go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then
refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

4:45 pm
Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them
I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.

4:58 pm
Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too)
much.

5:00 pm
Night shift shows up. Tell that the hub is acting funny and to have a
good weekend.

[JohnthePilot]

@DG. Looks as though Japanese Airlines are going to be busy then,

[DonaldG]

Yeay... a few more:

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

That last one sounds like Dr Glas is moonlighting...

[Jack.Sparrow]

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

[JohnthePilot]

Very funny.

[sandman55]

[ashumann12]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"

12)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

13)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[Jack.Sparrow]

[Jack.Sparrow]

During a rock climbing expedition, an accident occurred, as some of the grappling hooks gave way. This left the eleven climbers clinging precariously to the wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on the Mountain. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the weight on the rope would cause more of the hooks to give way and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. All ten blondes applauded.

[sandman55]

[ashumann12]

It's that time of year to take your annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.



1. What do you put in a toaster?






Answer: " Bread."

If you said "toast," give up now and do something else.

Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.





2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?




Answer: Cows drink water.

If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.






3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?





Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.

If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these???

If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.




4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?






Answer: You don't bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.



5. Without using a calculator : You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. InSwindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.

What was the name of the bus driver?





Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name? It was you!

[Jack.Sparrow]

I actually fell for 2. but I got the other ones

[JohnthePilot]

I got them all right, but that's only because I've been caught out before.