Joke Thread v. Last laugh 07

[sandman55]

[justpassingby]

Why does the hedgehog cross the highway ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
To show that he has the guts !

[JohnthePilot]

That's sick.

[ashumann12]

Road kill, ... it's what's for dinner!

[Jack.Sparrow]

Why do ducks have flat feet?
-
-
-
-
To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
-
-
-
-
-
To stamp out burning ducks.

[Jack.Sparrow]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

[ashumann12]

[ebackhus]

Abstinence-Only Defensive Driving.

[-=Rousseau=-]

You've been programming too long when:


When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.

When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"

When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.

When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.

When you dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors.

[JohnthePilot]

Scientists have identified a food that once digested can have negative effects on health that can last for decades, including mood swings in women, psychotic episodes in men and severe depression in both.
It's called wedding cake.

[Jack.Sparrow]

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances, anybody would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRR!"

[JohnthePilot]

"Bad news Mrs Ward," a doctor tells an elderly woman over the phone. "We sent your husband's test sample to the lab yesterday but a specimen from another Mr. Ward arrived at the same time and they got mixed up. I'm sorry......although to be honest, both results are awful."
"What do you mean?" asks the lady.
"Well, one specimen tested positive for dementia and the other for a serious STD. We'll test him again, but there's a six month waiting list I'm afraid."
"What do I do with him until then?" she asked.
"Drop him off in the middle of the counrtyside miles from home. If he finds his way back, don't sleep with him."

[Jack.Sparrow]

[Jack.Sparrow]

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What, my dear?" she asked gently.

"You're a goddamn jinx!"

[sandman55]