Joke Thread v. Last laugh 07

[ashumann12]

[JohnthePilot]

[Jack.Sparrow]

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.

His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was full the cow kicked it down with her left foot so I tied up her left to a pole.

I began to fill up the bucket again and she kicked it down with her right foot, so I tied her right to a pole too.

As soon as I finished milkin'' her again she knocked down the bucket with her tail and I took off my belt and tied up her tail with my belt.

As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!

(The keen reader will also have noticed an error in gender reference,

[JohnthePilot]

So why didn't you correct it?

[Jack.Sparrow]

Crap, I did correct it, but forgot to take the message out. (and missed correcting it in one spot ....)

The cow was referred to as he and his throughout.

[JohnthePilot]

Well, that gave me a laugh.

[DonaldG]

How I Got Into Heaven

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!

By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell --- BUT --- even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it any more, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. However, all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there and then on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me killing me instantly, And now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death and let him in

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding, naked, inside a refrigerator..."

[Jack.Sparrow]

[sandman55]

Keep 'em coming guys

[Jack.Sparrow]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2%, milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, a 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly"

[deejay100six]

Little boy lived on a farm and was obsessed with tractors, his big sister, knowing he would be starting school soon, tried to get him interested in other things as she didnt want the other kids to make fun of him. After he had been at school a couple of weeks there was a big fire in the classroom. The place filled up with smoke so that no-one could see the way out so the little boy sucked all the smoke in so that everyone could escape. The teacher said, "well done, you just saved the whole class but how did you manage to suck all that smoke in ?" Easy, the boy replied, I'm an ex tractor fan.

[ashumann12]

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Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar. He sat down
next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob says,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the
bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying,
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news
and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.
=======================================

[JohnthePilot]

You both deserve banning for those dreadful jokes.

[Jack.Sparrow]

[ashumann12]

NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.


2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.


3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?


4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!


5. Are You Andy or Barney?


6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.


7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?


8. I pay your salary!


9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!


10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.


11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.


12. When the Officer says "Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"