Joke Thread v. Last laugh 07

[ashumann12]

This might hurt a few of you..............




MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:


'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.


Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.


After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************



MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


*******************************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:



1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. ;
25 Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[JohnthePilot]

I'm glad that you are the one who will have to face the wrath of Moki et al.

[WereBo]

[Done_Fishin]

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

[karusho]

^ That one never gets old

^__^

[sandman55]

[WereBo]

A man was fishing. He began his outing with a 12lb walleye on the first trolling pass and a 25 lb northern on the second.

On the third drop he had just scored his first ever musky when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever fishing trip. He decided to get in a couple of more passes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up catching several personal bests, limited out on three species and all in all, had his best day's fishing by far. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept fishing didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the lake, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished the fishing because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "Just messin' with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?"

[JohnthePilot]

That is so sick.

[ashumann12]

[deejay100six]

[Jack.Sparrow]

Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off and go relax." Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically. He rushes over and asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?" Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"

[ashumann12]

Sounds like my x-gf!

[WereBo]

....

[Done_Fishin]

Originally Posted by WereBo

A man was fishing. He began his outing with a 12lb walleye on the first trolling pass and a 25 lb northern on the second.

On the third drop he had just scored his first ever musky when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever fishing trip. He decided to get in a couple of more passes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up catching several personal bests, limited out on three species and all in all, had his best day's fishing by far. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept fishing didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the lake, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished the fishing because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "Just messin' with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?"

The last time I saw this joke it was the wife who got caught at the sales and didn't want to miss the opportunity .. punch line was "what did you buy?"

[yustr]

Originally Posted by Jack.Sparrow

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.

Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but *censored*

In that same genre:

An organization is like a septic tank: the really big chunks float to the top.

The financial health of a corporation is inversly proportional to the opulence of its front office.