Joke Thread v. Last laugh 07

[1shotDROP]

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up
raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks
down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his
surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully
dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this,
reluctantly decides to take her along.

Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just
outside of San Marcos, Texas.

Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and
tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and
I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that
Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.

Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an
array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back.
As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming,
"Get the hell away from my deer!"

Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his
screaming wife. And again he hears her yell,
"Get the hell away from my deer!" followed by another
volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is
surprised to see a Texas cowboy with his hands high
in the air.

The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady!
You can have your damn deer!
Just let me get my saddle off it!"

[Jack.Sparrow]

!

[Twills]

World Or Warcraft Ftw!!!!!

[1shotDROP]

Huh??

[Jack.Sparrow]

SPAM!! (not this post )

[1shotDROP]

banned for implying that I was spamming (even though this isn't the ban thread) banned anyway. And does Twills post make sense to you?

[Jack.Sparrow]

No That's the post I was refering to.

[1shotDROP]

Ah, I see.

[WereBo]

10 Popular Bumper-stickers:

1. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

2. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

3. 5 days a week, my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

4. Earth First! We'll strip mine the other planets later.

5. Your child may be an honour student but you're still an idiot.

6. If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

7. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

8. If we are what we eat, then I'm cheap, fast and easy.

9. I wasn't born a jerk. Women like you made me this way.

10. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

[1shotDROP]

[sandman55]

Keep 'em coming guys.

[sandman55]

Hell hath no Fury

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day she agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

[Jack.Sparrow]

ROLF!!

[ashumann12]

Good one!

[WereBo]

Hehehehehehehe..... OUCH!!! indeed

[sandman55]

OK here is another from the archives

Harry’s Ambition

Harry’s ambition in life was to be a chicken farmer and he worked and saved to achieve his goal.
On the evening that Harry and his wife moved into their new farm they celebrated with one too many bottles of wine and they crawled into bed to sleep it off.
Harry kissed his wife and as soon as his head hit the pillow he was asleep.
All of a sudden, he woke up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What are you doing in my bedroom?.. and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.. I'm too young." said Harry and I’ve just achieved my life’s ambition to be a chicken farmer "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "we only have a position for a dog or a hen.
You will have to choose."

Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen." Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run on his new farm and really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow.. then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"

"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"

"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' a beautiful egg was on the ground. "Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" and all the chickens gathered around and they all clucked and cheered Harry on he felt so proud. So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground all the chickens clucked ecstatically.
Then he heard in the distance the faint call of his wife “Harry” then a little louder “Harry” then very loud "Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you've **** all over the bed!"