Joke Thread v. Last laugh 07

[Card Maker]

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

[JohnthePilot]

[DonaldG]

Good one Ann

The same lawyers, before the train hit them, were walking down the road when one of them picked up a £50 note. Smiling, he turned to his colleague and proclaimed "Look what I found, do you think it is real?"

The other guy took the note and examined it closely and replied "Oh yes, it's a real on all right." and promptly put it in his pocket.

The guy who found it said "Why did you pocket my £50?"

"That was my consultancy fee!" he replied.

[sandman55]

Good ones

[ashumann12]

What do you call 1000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!

[sandman55]

I was out driving the other day and I came upon a guy at the top of a cliff he was crying his eyes out.
He said a bus full of lawyers out on their annual picnic had driven over the cliff and into the see, they all drowned.
I said a bus full of lawyers you should be happy not crying.
He replied yes but there were two empty seats

[DonaldG]

Man up a power pole working. His mate below hears a mobile phone ring - Its his mates phone in his tool box - He mate shouts for him to answer it - he does.....

Converstion from one side goes like this:
Hello?....
No, he can't come to phone, he's up a pole....
yes...
Sure....
OK, I'll tell him...
Bye....

He shouts up to his mate up the pole:
"It was your wife. She thought that you would like to know - The air bags work!"

[DonaldG]

edit: opps, wrong thread.....

[JohnthePilot]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'



Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH.
REMEMBER: LAUGHING LOWERS THE BLOOD PRESSURE

[sandman55]

[sandman55]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, Shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm a round his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted!"

[JohnthePilot]

That sounds about right.

[ashumann12]

IF THIS DOESN'T"T MAKE YOU LAUGH, NOTHING WILL!!!

I so needed to laugh . . . guys may not see this as funny as gals!

Pocket Taser

A guy who purchased his wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.....? ?

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while
I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4
inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one- second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs
to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and



HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! !!



I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner , then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in
my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, my peanuts nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs..



The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"


Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by
a violent thrashing about on the floor..

A three-second burst would be considered conservative.



SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure,as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there?



My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88
lbs. I'm still looking for my peanuts! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!!



P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid".

*"The mentally challenged walk among us."

[JohnthePilot]

[sandman55]

Quote: