Joke Thread v. Last laugh 07

[karusho]

What do you mean by the Christmas shopping?

[WereBo]

That small time-frame between finally leaving the 'Works Xmas Party' and opening your front door when you've gotten home

[sandman55]

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN
A Message from John Cleese, British comedian to the citizens of the United States of America.

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium and nuclear, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing them.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)… roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). In the meantime don't try rugby – the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game that is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes, plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God save the Queen!

[WereBo]

I love #14!!!! -

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[sandman55]

[Jack.Sparrow]

[WereBo]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque. He walked up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening, from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive her around in his Mercedes; and he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexually. You'll be provided with a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The salary is £50,000 per year. The guy, wide eyed, said, "You're bullsh***ing me !"The social worker said, "Yeah, well, you started it."

[Moki]

Originally Posted by JohnthePilot

It's a good job Gistek and Moki aren't around.

Originally Posted by Jack.Sparrow

That's what I thought as I posted that.

Hmmm. No comment necessary...

[Jack.Sparrow]

Seems we got off easy

[Moki]

For now

[Moki]

Paybacks....

Why do men get married??
So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.

What do men and used cars have in common?
They are both easy to get, cheap, and totally unreliable.

Why are men like the weather.
Nothing can be done to change either of them.

What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A fairy tale.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to use it.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

What do you call a man with an IQ of 50?
Gifted!

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Only one, if you slice him very thinly.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place with eating utensils and chairs.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run when women cry!

What has ten arms and an IQ of 50?
Five guys watching a football game.

What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."

What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

[Jack.Sparrow]

Suppose we should have seen that one coming.

What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
I heard - Gay.

[Moki]

Okay, I have to admit I had to delete/edit a bunch of good ones (umm, that was one of them, lol)

[Jack.Sparrow]

[JohnthePilot]

Well, you definitely got your own back there.

My favourite is:
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?