Joke Thread v. Last laugh 07

[WereBo]

Our Aussie friends should love this one....

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

Enjoy!


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

I love Aussie humour

[Jack.Sparrow]

Love it!!!

[Jack.Sparrow]

(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans

(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

[WereBo]

Hehehehehehe


Here are some Dog's letters to God.....

Dear God,
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God,
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,
Why are cars named for the eagle, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, the rabbit, etc., but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the Schnauzer across the street.

Dear God,
Are there mail-men in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God,
May I have my private bits back?

[JohnthePilot]

RFLMAO A couple of crackers there WereBo.

[WereBo]

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.


On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.


On the third day, God created the cow and said:"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.


On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

[sandman55]

Keep 'em coming guys

My daughter sent me this in an email........ the trouble is I can really relate to it

Recently a woman was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
>
> Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
>
>
>
>
>
> This is how it manifests:
>
> I decide to water my flower tubs.
>
> As I turn on the hose I look over at my car and decide it needs
> washing.
>
> I go to get the car keys from the porch and then notice mail on the
> porch table.
>
> I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
>
> I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the bin
> under the
> table, and notice that the bin is full.
>
> So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the
> rubbish
> first.
>
> But then I think, I can run down to the post-box when I take out the
> rubbish, I may as well pay the
> bills first.
>
> I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only
> 1 cheque
> left.
>
> My extra cheques are in the computer desk, so I go inside the
> house to
> my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
>
> I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke
> aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
>
>
> The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the fridge
> to keep
> it cold.
>
> As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
> window ledge catches my eye - they need water.
>
> I put the Coke on the window ledge and discover my reading
> glasses that
> I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my
> computer desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
>
> I set the glasses back down on the window ledge, fill a
> container with
> water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen
> table.
>
> I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking
> for the
> remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide
> to put
> it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I'll water the
> flowers.
>
> I pour some water in the flowers, but some spills on the floor.
> So, I
> set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
>
> Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was
> planning to do.
>
> At the end of the day:
>
> - The tubs aren't watered;
>
> - The car isn't washed;
>
> - The bills aren't paid;
>
> - There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the window ledge;
>
> - The flowers don't have enough water;
>
> - There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book;
>
> - I can't find the remote;
>
> - I can't find my glasses;
>
> - I have absolutely NO idea what I did with the car keys.
>
> Then, when I try to work out why nothing got done today, I'm really
> baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
>
> I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some
> help for
> it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
>
> Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I
> don't remember who I've sent it to.
>
> Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

[WereBo]

My day is coming??? HAH!!! It's here already!!!

5 important rules for a happy life.....

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

[sandman55]

[Moki]

Hmpf. Well, at least most all started with "It's important to have a woman." I tried to think of something similar for the male counterpart, but nothing came to mind,

Okay, here's one that I thought was kinda cute:

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

[Jack.Sparrow]

[sandman55]

That's a beauty I have it on my computer

[WereBo]

Excellent!! I've had to 'steal' that one

OK then, another one to please the ladies here.....

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian. "

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks,"Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone b**ch, I'm married!!'"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

[sandman55]