Joke Thread v. Last laugh 07

[Jack.Sparrow]

Dear Mr. Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during our commission of duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to your employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" as it is explained to you for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You wander around the building all day, shiftlessly seeking fault in others. You have a sharp dressed, useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation; however, I have a few parting thoughts:

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation as I have consistently performed my duties and even more. The most you can say to hurt me is, "I prefer not to comment." To keep you honest, I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I will publish your "Favorites," which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not viewed favorably by the university administrations.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mother's b-day," you neglected to mention that you were going to take nude pictures of yourself in the mirror. Then, like the techno-moron you are, you forgot to erase them. Suffice it to say, I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle. I assure you that those photos are being kept in safe places pending your authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (And, for once, would you please try to use spellcheck? I hate correcting your mistakes.)

I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody and all of your twisted little repugnant obsessions will become public knowledge. Never f*ck with your systems administrator, Mr. Baker! They know what you do with all that free time!

Sincerely

David Blocker

Network Administrator

[sandman55]

That reminds me of a note that went around when I used to work for a living it went:-

We the willing led by the unknowing
are doing the impossible for the ungrateful
we have done so much for so long with so little
we are now capable of making anything from nothing

[ashumann12]

The Fisherman

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her
altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below.

She shouts to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a
friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, 'You're in a hot air
balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet
above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and
100 degrees, 49.0 9 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, 'You must be a Republican!'

'I am,'replies the man. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' answers the balloonist, 'everything you tell me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm
still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me.'

The man smiles and responds, 'You must be a Democrat.'

'I am,' replies the balloonist. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' says the man, 'You don't know where you are or where
you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you
expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position
you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.

[ebackhus]

I've seen the Physist/Manager version. Always a good lulz.

[Jack.Sparrow]

[sandman55]

[ashumann12]

God said, 'Adam, I want you to do something for me.' Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a valley?'

God explained it to him.

Then God said, 'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a river?'

God explained that to him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill.......'

Adam said, 'What is a hill?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill you will find a cave'

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, he said, 'In the cave you will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do I do that?'

God first said (under his breath), 'Geez....'

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill,
into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was
back.


God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, 'What is it now?'


And Adam said


YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!!


'What's a headache?'

[Jack.Sparrow]

[sandman55]

[WereBo]

For all the above....

Having just read all 11 pages here, I thought I'd better join in....


A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honour, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

[karusho]

Oldie but Goodie! ^

[ashumann12]

[Jack.Sparrow]

[WereBo]

Some excuses to get out of doing things....

I'd love to but...
1) The man on television told me to say tuned.
2) It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
3) I'm building a pig from a kit.
4) I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
5) There's a disturbance in the Force.
6) I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
7) I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
8) I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
9) I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
10) My plot to take over the world is thickening.
11) I have to fulfill my potential.
12) It's too close to the turn of the century.
13) I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
14) I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
15) I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
16) I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
17) I'm trying to be less popular.
18) I have to study for a blood test.
19) I have to rotate my crops.
20) I prefer to remain an enigma.
21) I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22) I want to spend more time with my blender.

For a really interesting time, see how many work with the wife.....

[Jack.Sparrow]

love no. 3
I'm building a pig from a kit.