Joke Thread v. Last laugh 07

[sandman55]

I've heard that one about the Telemarketer before its a good one. Come to think of it I haven't been bothered with them lately (I hope I'm not speaking too soon) I guess the government stop I put on them might be working 'cos we used to always get them call just as you were sitting down to tea.

[DonaldG]

Man walked up to a bank teller, pointed a gun at her and told her to give him the money.

She looked at the gun, then looked at him and said "You're Irish, aren't you?"

"Yes" he said "How do you know?"

"You have sawn off the wrong end of your shotgun!"

[sandman55]

[Jack.Sparrow]

[Fred_Flintstone]

Irish Diet
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks".

"The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded...
"I'll tell you though, by Jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor...

"No, '" the Irishman said.

"FROM SKIPPIN'" !!!..

[sandman55]

[Jack.Sparrow]

I had a similar one, but it included an old man an Viagra .....

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A seventy-five-year old year old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the seventy-five-year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as he had received it on the previous day.

"Where's the sample?" said the Doctor. "Well, doctor, it's like this," the man explained. "First I tried with my right hand, but that didn't work. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still no joy. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing."

"I see.." said the Doctor dubiously. "Then what did you do?" "Well, I asked my sixteen year old neice to lend a hand, but she failed too, even when she took it between her legs and squeezed it really hard." "Her legs!" exclained the doctor, appalled.

"So I went next door to Eileen, and she tried too, first with both hands, then both armpits in turn and she even tried rolling it between her knees, but still nothing. "You asked your neighbour?" cried the shocked doctor. "The old man replied, "Yes, but no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the flucking jar open!"

[sandman55]

[ashumann12]

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, 'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!'

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?' Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, 'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 'Any body?' Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued. 'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.'

[Jack.Sparrow]

[sandman55]

[DonaldG]

More hotel signs:
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

[Glaswegian]

George Bush was very concerned when he was told that oil had reached $100 a barrel.

"OK" he said "How much is it without a barrel?"

[Jack.Sparrow]

Bush bashing time is it?

So, Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.

"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."

Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".

"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"

Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian?"

[DonaldG]